Dreams and False Alarms

What a difference a year makes: the traveled road

It is way past time to go to bed. I've been up packing for our 5 day mini vacation at a river town nearby.  As I was folding all the little baby clothes, and stuffing burp cloths and bibs and washcloths around the edges of our bursting suitcases, I remembered that it had been about a year since I wrote this post. And what an amazing, scary, beautiful year it has been. And I was right, I took the "one less travled by and it has made all the difference."

Look at these beautiful boys! Last year, they were tiny little boys swimming around in my belly, just about big enough to be felt:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here they are, Ace 19lbs, Juice 16.12 and sooo beautiful. 

 

390 days ago--What a difference a year makes

390 days ago, my life changed forever. Two babies took up residence in my body and my heart. Happy one year-of-being alive my darlings.

A whole new year

A picture of Juice for you cooing pleasure.

For the last three years, doing the taxes has been a trek through all of the failed treatments, lost babies and missed due dates. It occured to mr as I pulled together all of our medical deductions for our DE cycle that there are no more IF anniversary's without babies. That is to say, the anniversaries will still come, and may still hurt, but I won't be saying "and I still don't have a baby!". I do! Two! My baby cup runneth over!
In the moments when I feel lost, overwhelmed and exhausted, I find myself remembering that these children are such a gift; the cycle could have failed, they could have died after they were born, or had more medical issues than they did. It's all a crap shoot, and I'm so so grateful that they are here.
Thank you babies. Thank you for making me a mama.

Smiling baby Ace!

Just winging in, post middle of the night pumping, to bring you this baby smile.
Melt!

Milk drunk

I posted the wrong picture last time! Here is a much cuter picture of our boy. Boy in stripes is Ace, boy in green is Juice
Were muddling through the days and nights, and waiting for word on when Juice can join us at home.

Ace is home!

Ace is home! We are terrified and thrilled!

An Early Valentine

I'm so sorry about the lack of posting. I really miss both writing, and responding to
comments from you all!

Ace is doing really well, and may be released from the hospital next week, Juice is making great strides, but he's still on o2 support, so he's staying put for at least 3 weeks, hopefully not more. The thought of him having any significant milestones, especially smiling, with a nurse breaks my heart. The best rationalization I can come up with, developmentally, is that he is in 'nightcare', instead of daycare. But it is a cold comfort. We've missed so many firsts with these boys: first diaper, first bath, caring for their umbillical stumps, and on and on, that the thought of missing anything else is excruciating.
Overall, I am doing well--still carrying all 25 lbs I gained during pregnancy, but hey, they have bigger pants for that problem!

I lovelovelove my babies, and I'm so happy that we stepped off the fertility merry go round and chose this path. As rocky as it has been, there is a lot of joy now, and a lot more to come, and that is what I wanted.
Watching my husband love them, advocate for them, and just generally give his whole heart and soul to parenting them is awe inspiring. It is so wonderful to see that all our loss and pain didn't break us, we can still love deeply.

Happy early valentines day!

 

***Thanks to "It is what it is" I realized that in a way, it is like an adoptive mom's experience. I have to let go of what I couldn't be there for, and count our experiences as the 'real' ones.

Love you guys!

Coming down

I have a lot to say, at least in my head, about this experience, but it's not time to say it.
There are moments, amid the hustle and bustle of pumping and driving back and forth from the hospital that the reality of our situation hits me, or more accuratly, the reality of our situation a few weeks ago. As they become less fragile, and more like infants, and less like fetus', my
mind let's yet another layer of protective repression receed, and I am hit by waves of fear and terror at how closely they have clung to life during these last 4 weeks.
Jen, at 'maybe if you just relax' lost one of her twin girls--the big one, the one they hadn't been concerned about. I have struggled with how to even speak of this. The inevitable reaction to a horror that you yourself have escaped is to use words like 'lucky' and 'fortunate', or the worst 'blessed', to try to express your relief at having had a different outcome. But as I sit here, my heart heavy her loss, I am reminded that none of us has control over these outcomes. To claim luck or blessings is to imagine some force that has chosen us for respite from the horror of loss, and ultimatly, that the person who has experienced the loss is lacking in some way that we aren't. That is unbearable to contemplate.
Today, I'm going to
Hold my boys as close as their little nervous systems can tolerate and appriciate the very fact of them. Jen, my heart breaks for you and your family.

A wee update

Wow. What a difference a year makes, or two, or three. Last night as we drove home from the hospital, our usual route was blocked by a crafts faire, and I was reminded of walking through that faire on in the midst if the worst ivf ever. But here we are, 2 years later with children. My husband and I marvel at that word at least once a day. Children. Children we talk about, children whose diapers we change, childen we hold against our bodies, children who respond to our voices and our touch. It is an ineffible experience.
For those of you struggling to get pregnant, or wrestling about whether to move on to donor gametes, I hope you find some peace today.
I know, even amongst the dinging and binging of all the monitors in the nicu, two little boys are growing, and changing and waiting for their mama and daddy, and that fills me with such joy.
(baby A cuddling against my chest).

Saturday night smile fest!

Our wonderful primary weekend nurse caught both boys smiling--such a joy to see what their smiles look like.
Baby A is the first picture, and baby J, Mr big cheeks is the second one.
Enjoy!