Dreams and False Alarms

The Murky Middle

Here we are, 6 days from the beta, and I'm just sort of stuck in the murky middle. I alternate between thinking the cycle worked, and thinking it didn't.

Last night around 3:30am, I got awakened, and thought "I haven't had to get up to pee! That must mean I'm not pregnant." I was awake thinking about it, but also, my sacrum and SI joints are a mess, and was uncomfortable and freaking out a bit about having such a bad back at the moment and if I am pregnant, how screwed I'll be. But I was observing how much less freaked out I am this cycle/2ww. Not detached or disconnected, but not as nearly psychotic as I've been before. I know that part of that was the fear of this: DE being our only option. And if you've been around this blog for a while, you know I've been wrestling that beast like a mofo. If this cycle doesn't work, we have two day 5  embryos and one day 6 embryo, so not all hope is lost, but also, not a lot of room remains in that plan.  

I know if I'm not pregnant I will be devastated, sad, angry, scared and more. But I'm not having all those feelings right now, and that is a victory of sorts for me.

I have an insane work day ahead--that ought to keep me out of the weeds!

Full Contingency Living**updated

I am not doing so good today.

I managed to keep the fear of the baby being dead on the periphery through most of the weekend, but this morning, it has crawled up into my head, and won't be shaken loose.

There is no escaping the realty that my breasts have deflated a bit, and are less sore, and even if one of the baby sites says that might happen around 8 weeks, it just feels like a bad sign.

At one point, as I lay in bed half asleep, the voice of Henry Kissinger said "Your baby is dead." I'm not one to put a lot of faith in former secretary's of state speaking to me in my dreams, but it was spooky.

I realized earlier in the week that every time I go to the bathroom, I run through the contingency plan of what I will do if there is blood. What I will move around, when I will get the D&C, what I'll say on the blog, who I'll email, what I'll do about work.  Of course, I could stop myself, but it is this kind of odd calm that comes over me as I plan what to do. It's an awful sort of calm.

This morning, as I lay there, I thought "If the baby is dead, how do I face Christmas?" I'm woefully deficient in holiday spirit as it is (not a life long condition), but I can't imagine how  to do it. How to pull it together, to hold it together. Of course, I don't have to, but how much more of living can I opt out of because I'm in so much pain?  My work, which I worked so hard to get established in is limping along, my best friend (or former best friend) cut me off over something I wished she'd have worked out with me, and I can't seem to find the juice to push through and get excited about anything. Of course I have plenty of reason for all of this, but ack. It's hard. One thing I can say is that my family is as supportive as they can be, and my husband is the best, and my marriage is definitely stronger for the experience of infertility, and my cats are a constant sources of joy. BUT. I'm at a loss. If we lose this baby...what?  What. How. How do I do it again? What is left to pick up? I don't knit, I have no plan. No contingency plan for what to do next.

And maybe the baby is fine, and I'm all worked up for nothing. But I'm so scared, scared of the baby being dead, and of my own deadness that it feels too hard to hold onto the possibly that the baby is ok, and that I'm going to be ok. I've been through crappy times before, heck a lot of times before, and I will be ok again. But it feels so hard to believe in this moment.

**I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow at 2:30--Dr Calm offered it because she knows how anxious we are.

Upon further refelction, uh meaning when I'd calmed down a bit, it occured to me that my breasts haven't shrunk, but they don't hurt as much. Perhaps it is because they aren't growing right now. If it's anything like puberty,they hurt when they are growing, but not when they aren't.

Thanks for all the reassurance and sharing your stories, it really helps.

What I did on my vacation from IVF

If you've gotten here from Kami 's blog, and are looking for my big post on processing the egg donor process, I've decided to take it down, but if you are intersted, please email me, and I'll be happy to send it along to you privately.  I'm planning to use it in another venue, and I think it will be confusing to have it on my blog. Thank you to everyone who has read it and posted a comment, and to all of you who have read it and taken some comfort in it, or found yourself inspired to think things through from yet another vantage point.