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June 23, 2011


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I can't claim to understand exactly what you're going through, but I do know those PTSD moments when one think's "what if?" I still have them about Eggbert, and she wasn't even premature. She was actually a few years late, and I still think (often) about what would have happened if she had never arrived, or decided to leave early. I can't bear either thought. Sigh.

Glad your gorgeous boys are doing well.


just smiling...


I haven't had the experience of a preemie in the NICU, let alone two, but I understand the feeling that in a parallel universe a live baby may never have happened. And having gone through infertility and all the losses and failures that come with it, it's still hard not to think that the worse can still happen.

I remember, though, that those kinds of thoughts occurred more frequently when my son was a baby. They are such vulnerable little beings and it's almost like that vulnerability is a constant reminder of what might (not) have been.

Good Egg Hatched

I totally get this. I still have PTSD from the infertility experience and my complicated pregnancy. My mind is still poised to fear the worst...I have to remind myself that he's here, he's healthy and thriving, and at this point just another kid who has no greater chance of something happening to than any other. It's hard, though.


Eventually, you'll get the time and resources to write again. So, just remember these moments, and you can write 'em down later.


The two children I have did not almost die and yet I still worry about it. I hope it is something that fades a bit as they get older. Right now I suspect that those fears are as innate as wanting children in the first place. Still, I am sure the experience of almost not having children and have babies / embryos not make it heightens the experience and makes it seem more possible.

I hear you on the PTSD. Just yesterday I was visiting with a friend and her cell phone rang - the same ring I had set for the RE I went to. I instantly had a pit in my stomach even though it has been 2 years since I have had anything to do with them.

I am glad you have two babies and they are both doing well. It is nice to hear from you and I will be looking forward to hearing more.

Ellen K.

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I didn't have the preemie/NICU experience, but the sense of a parallel experience -- yes, I totally feel haunted sometimes, and the fear/gratitude does keep me from writing. I suspect this is the case with a lot of parenting-after-IF bloggers. And I also think it's felt particularly by twin moms because you have parallel lives right in front of you, and when I talk to people who have lost their own twin, they mention hauntings or ghosts.

My PPD really started right around the girls' 1st birthday because I was dwelling more on their birth, which was not the best day of my life. : (

Take care.


Just thinking about my son dying makes me FREAK OUT. Sometimes if I let my mind wander in that direction for just more than 10 or so seconds I will start crying. He is my Universe. Consequently the single thing I fear most in the world is harm coming to him. :(

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