Last night was the last meeting of our childbirth class. We'd missed two because of my hospitalization and subsequent exhaustion, but we'd thought we'd go any way. It was potluck. That didn't bode well. I can barely cook for us at this point. Yes, I could have gone to the store and got something from the deli, but meh.
5pm rolls around, Husband would need to get showered and ready to go, and we both found ourselves rather uninspired to bother. As we talked about it a few things stood out: Our leader was clearly a pretty burnt-out doula (she'd announced she was retiring at the first class, and then at the third class, she announced she wasn't because she wanted to finance a vacation the next summer...that just sort of irked me.) I didn't feel like I could really recommend her to anyone since she seemed burned out, and their birth would just be a vehicle for her get to Europe in the summer. But I digress, or I bitch and moan, but whatever.
Then there was the little fact that she'd never acknowledged that we'd let her know I was in hospital, and that the following week I was too ill to come in. Turns out, we found out via the last class reminder email, that she'd not been to the last 3 classes, and no one had told the group why we weren't there.
And then, there was the group. They may have actually been very cool, and interesting, but there wasn't any structure to allow us to get to know each other, and lets face it, after class at 9:30 at night, the last thing any pregnant woman wants to do is stand around talking! Meeting other couples with babies near our kids age was our wish, and not an explicit offer, but it sure would have been nice. And I know friends who's birth class cohort became friendly, so it wasn't a totally reasonable wish. Oh well.
However, I will say that as soon as I learned the following, I'd gotten my monies worth: if you can take a crap, you can push out a baby. Yes, I am paraphrasing dodge-ball. Basically, I thought there was some other set of muscles or magic innards that I needed to access during this critical period of my children's life, and yet, I've been practicing all along. So between me and my uterus, I think we're gonna be alright.
I wish there had been a childbirth class for mothers of multiples--even if most of them were getting planned c-sections, it would have been nice to connect with them (and yes, I have joined our local multiples group, but I haven't gone to a meeting yet). We are going to breastfeeding multiples class next week, and I'm really looking forward to it.
One of the best things overall, as a twin mom, about going to childbirth class is that it reinforced for me that my goal is to leave the hospital with two, live healthy babies, and that even though my options, because I choose to take the medical route, are more limited, the birth experience will be good enough. I am capable for getting myself alllllll wound around the axel trying to control things that I think will cause irreparable psychological harm, and what I am pounding into my head daily is that I don't have to provide perfect experiences for our children so that they have perfect lives. I need to be responsive, and work to help them to be resilient. I feel like if we have some sort of lovely calm birth experience, great, if not, ok. We get our boys, and then the real work begins. I think when you are giving birth to one, the risks are lower, and you have more options, and I still think people torture themselves way too much about it not turning out as they planned. I need to protect myself and the boys from that part of myself. But hey, none of this has gone as planned, so that makes it a bit easier to let go of things.
I'm planning to expend all my idealism and intensity on breastfeeding. This is something I believe in, and want for myself and for them, and depending on a whole raft of factors, this could be daunting. But I can get help with it. My sister, my friend who nursed her twins, professionals, all of it. But if the best I can do is pump my breast milk and bottle feed them, then I will. I hope we get to have 'at the breast experience', but it's not what happens, then I want to make sure that I don't saddle us all with the idea that I am defective, or they are, and that we had a less than good connection. I remember seeing a video in college of mothers in Japan who bottle feed their babies, but they do it next to their skin, even under their shirts. That made such an impression on me; you can bottle feed, and be close. Being close is what matters.
There is that resiliency wish again.
I guess you could sum up my parenting philosophy as: she takes a lickin' but keeps on tickin'.
Just don't pressure yourself with the bfing either. Do you really think I'm not close w/my kids bc I fed them formula from a bottle? (I know you weren't judging me. I'm just trying to say: think about it. Dies that really make sense?) If it works and you like it, awesome But you may find, as I did, that bfing or pumping and cleaning and sterilizing and feeding two newborns makes you unhappy and interferes with your enjoyment of the babies. I just hate to see you stake too much on the experience.
Posted by: Cat | October 26, 2010 at 10:12 AM
You have an awesome attitude! You're going to be a great twin mom!! My birth experience and subsequent bf'ing plans didn't go anything like I planned. I delivered my twins early via c-section, they spent 2 months in the NICU, and although they did both get to try breastfeeding a bit in the hospital.. it just never clicked for us in the long run. I pumped 8x a day for 4 months and decided one morning at 3am (after a near mental breakdown) that I had had enough with the damn pumping. Like "Cat" said, when bf'ing or pumping starts interfering with your ability to enjoy your babies, it's time to stop.
All that said, my best twin mom friend had her babies at full-term, no c-section, and she tandem nursed them at every feed until she went back to work. AND she didn't go crazy!! So it can and does work out for some people.
P.S. I took a multiples childbirth class and I can't say it was any different then a singleton class would have been, besides the 2 babies part.
Posted by: Sue | October 26, 2010 at 10:55 AM
I'm sorry that your childbirth class hasn't been all that great. I'm one of those people that met other moms and became dear friends in childbirth class, and I think that it stinks that your class wasn't better set up to facilitate friendships. Oh well. At least you learned about the pooping/childbirth connection (totally true, by the way).
I hope that breastfeeding works out for you, but I think you're totally right about it not being the be all end all. You'll be close to your kids regardless.
Posted by: Sara | October 26, 2010 at 03:44 PM
You got it sista: the point is to leave with 2 healthy babies and you are on your way. So sorry for your health scare but you are a trooper that takes a lickin and keeps on...
Posted by: jaded | October 27, 2010 at 07:17 AM
I definitely agree with the previous posters, I think you have an awesome attitude and are really focused on what is important here - bringing home two healthy babies. And you're right, it is incredibly easy to get wrapped up in the vision of the "perfect" birth experience -- and that rarely (if ever!) happens for women carrying only one baby, let alone pregnant with two. Giving birth is an incredible, awesome experience (whether by c-section or vaginal deliver, I'm sure!), and it would be unfortunate to be so wound up about things not being PERFECT that you aren't really present in those incredible moments.
As for b'fing, I think that is another hurdle to cross when you get to it. After preemie birth and NICU stays, one of my guys had a bad latch, and after a week of sheer frustration, I gave up on actually putting the boys to breast and decided to pump and bottle feed -- and I did it for the year. It is definitely manageable, and as I think I've mentioned to you before, you HAVE to purchase a hands-free pump bra!
Posted by: Erin | October 27, 2010 at 02:13 PM
All you have to do is roll with things, and you'll be fine. Any preconceived notions that don't come about adds to stress. So get an idea of what you want to do (sounds like you've got that already), and try your best, and if it doesn't work out...well, in the end, the only thing that matters is healthy babies.
I found the childbirth class essentially useless. The breastfeeding class was good, but they don't tell you that many people have problems. Here's the advice - keep trying and get the lactation consultants in ASAP to watch and help and advise. And if they make you feel stressed out or uncomfortable, ask for another one. Good luck.
Posted by: a | October 27, 2010 at 06:35 PM
Yeah, the whole roll-with-it approach is going to be very handy for you! I actually think that my craptastic birth experience was good for me...it taught me from the first moments of Henry's arrival that I needed to let go and try to see the good in reality rather than lament the things that didn't play out according to my fantasies. I was really upset about it for a few days in the hospital, but once I was home and fully in charge of a newborn it was no longer my focus. And now I know that we're just so lucky that he's healthy and happy...those first few moments of his life don't matter at all compared with the wonderful hours, days and weeks that have followed, and all the bonding we've done since then.
Same with breastfeeding...b/c of my PCOS I was prepared to have no milk at all, and I think those really low expectations helped me a lot. We made it to five months with supplemented breastfeeding and although pro-nursing people might think that was sub-par, I am enormously proud of it.
So basically what I'm saying is, keep going with the openness, with the focus on rolling with what comes. Because when those babies are here, they will be in charge!
Posted by: Good Egg Hatched | October 31, 2010 at 05:45 AM
Hi,
I recently stumbled upon your blog and wanted to tell you how uplifting and encouraging I find your story. I am so happy for you and your family. I am currently going through my 3rd IVF with my own eggs. My RE is not very optomistic about my chances. Needless to say, I've started searching for stories on the emotional process that comes with the DE decision. I absolutely loved your "road less traveled" post. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know you have given me great insight into this process when I needed it most. I will be hoping for the best for you and your boys!
Posted by: Reese | November 01, 2010 at 04:51 PM