Anxiety, DBT's and 8 weeks 0 days, and wish for a womb with a view **updated

Ugh.

Yesterday, at 7 weeks 6 days I got a BAD attack of the DBT's (dead baby thoughts). And they persisted all through the night (one in which I got up to pee 4 times), and then I called my husband, who is having his own attack of DBT's while on the road for business. We agreed I'd call the office and see if any appointments had come up available, and the office, which opens at 7, had their night message on until 7:35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Finally, finally the lovely attendant answered (the one who hunted down a doctor for me the day of the beta), and informed that that alas, all our doctors appointments were booked, all week. Ugh. She said she'd keep an eye out, and if anyone cancelled she'd call. I hope she really does, but I know she's got to have a lot of anxious infertile women calling her wanted some shred of special treatment. Oy.

So why? Why DBT's now? Call it trauma, call it what you will, but 7-9 weeks have not been kind to us in general.  With Sparky, we must have lost him quite early in week 7 because even though we had the D&C the day after we found out he'd died, they couldn't grow a culture to determine why we'd miscarried (as such, his sex is pure speculation). And with Fishy, we made it through the 8 week ultrasound, and even had another u/s the next day with our OB, and his little heart was in there thumping away, and then blamo, the next week, he'd died (we chose not to know the sex, but we assume he was male as most triploidy's are). 

And I felt like utter crap on Saturday, and then a bit better on Sunday (though tired, and I slept 9 hours and could have slept more), and then yesterday, my nausea was pretty mild, although I did take a nap in the afternoon. Ugh. I just want a womb with a view. Tom and Katie, I was wrong. I get it. Even if it is medically suspect to have an ultrasound machine, sign me up.

So I'm stuck here in limbo. Waiting for Friday, which is the day before my husbands long awaited 40th birthday party, and dear god I hope I'm still pregnant with two babies when Friday rolls around.

Shit.

**Update:

I really considered the advice to just get someone, somewhere to give me an ultrasound, but I decided to just wait until Friday.  I don't want bad news from anyone by my doctor. We call her Dr Calm for a reason. And I'm having a trauma reaction--doesn't mean the feelings aren't real, or that I'm bonkers, but that it is heightening my anxiety.  I decided to go get my progesterone and estrogen levels checked. When we lost Fishy, he was alive on the u/s, but the next day they told us my levels were low (very low, 9 or 10 I think). I figure if the levels are low, they'll make room for me, and if they are good to high, then I'll make myself calm down a little.  Feel free to keep the reassurance coming!

Comments

[Lara]

Oh boy, do I know the DBTs well. How can we not? When you've been through recurrent losses, you'd be nuts not to have it first and foremost on your mind. I got an ultrasound every week through 10 weeks and I was a basketcase for the 8, 9 and 10 week ones because that's when I lost my beans (one at 7.5 and one at 9.5). Truly, I didn't calm down until the 11.5 week NT screen.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that an appt opens up - they often do! Otherwise, just focus on the fact that those embies are spunky twentysomethings and can't be compared with earlier ones. {{{HUGS}}}

[It is what it is]

I am a firm believer in de-escalating one's stress, especially during early pregnancy. Your mental health is mission critical.

Are there any other REs at this clinic who can see you? What about a physicians assistant? Or, can you get orders to go to a local lab for an u/s?

I get not wanting to see anyone but your own doctor and I also get not wanting to be hyper paranoid. However, this is a critical time in a pregnancy for you and if it were me, I would get seen one way or another (when there were no appointments I would agree to just go to the clinic and wait until they could fit me in. And, once I was there, hanging out in the lobby, it usually wasn't long.

If you elect to wait until Friday, I hope time passes quickly and that you have some distraction to get you through.

[Emma]

I agree with the PP. Go see anyone with an u/s machine! You are stressed for all the right reasons - you care, you want, you wish etc - but you must rest and let the little one do its thing.
Hope you get some reassurance assap. So sorry this is such a hard time for you.

[Brenda]

I agree with the commenters above. See if there is anyone else at the clinic that can squeeze you in for a "mental health" u/s. I hope that they can very soon and you get to see your little ones safe and sound!

[Kami]

What can I say? Keep breathing? Try to stay neutral? This is survival, nothing short.

I will say my Doc was great about getting me in. One day while he was on-call at the hospital he met me at his office (with LB). I had a similar moment with LBII and I just showed up at his office when they opened and they got me in.

Hmmm . . .maybe you should just show up? Make them turn you down while looking you in the eye.

[Jill]

I remember constantly hitting my boobs to make sure they were still sore... probably not rational, but still.

Hang in there, keep breathing, and know you are not alone in this. I hope something comes through for you so you can get your peek.

[Erin]

This won't help you for right now, but you might want to think about renting one of those medical-grade dopplers for later in pregnancy. I had one of the cheapo ones from Babies R Us, and it didn't actually work to pick up the babies' heartbeats, which was terrifying -- until I realized that the cheapo doppler was a piece of garbage!

Hang in there, Friday will be here soon!

[Cindyhoo2]

I love your plan and that you are so cognizant of the fact that you are having a very "normal" trauma response. Of course knowing what is happening does not always translate into actually feeling better! Just try to remember that each pregnancy is different and genetically these babies are very different from the others. Perhaps this could be used in a mantra-like fashion until you can get confirmation that all is well (and you get through the "scary phase"). In an odd way, I find it incredibly sweet that your husband is also equally scared-- it's nice to see him equally invested.

[a]

Anxiety goes hand in hand with the hormonal changes anyway. Past traumas will only add - you can tell yourself that it's irrational fear, but you won't be satisfied until you get in to see your doctor. I'm sure the babies are just fine, if that helps. :)

I hope Friday comes quickly for you...keep the faith.

[Rebecca]

I cannot imagine. Prayers and a hope for a fast week are coming your way.

[Mo]

This is so hard. And I don't think it can be any other way given your past experience. Just try not to judge yourself about it - and give yourself permission to seek all the reassurance that would help.

thinking of you. and wishing you well.

mo

[Brenda]

Sending calming thoughts your way.....