Dreams and False Alarms

If you are reading this, the donor has triggered!

I was so surprised when I got the call today, but our donor, who is known for taking off quickly in her stimming, is ready to trigger! Her E2 is at 3700, and there were 15 follicle that were counted, and the doctor thinks that there will be somewhere between 12 & 16 eggs. She also said that there tends to be more to retrieve than shows up on the ultrasound, so here's hoping!

If all goes well, I should be doing a 5 day transfer on Sunday June 6th!

I'll have one more scan on Tuesday, but I start PIO tomorrow night, and all the other junk the next day, and NO MORE LUPRON!

I've had lots of deep thoughts today, but I just got back from a very fun wedding, where I danced and goofed around with a bunch of high school buddies, and I'm just feeling happy and free. Tomorrow I can get all existential 'n shit. 

Tonight is for happy.

More good news

The donor is doing great! She has about 15 follicles that are between 10&15 (mm?) and there may be more that catch up. Historically she tends to take off at this point on the cycle, so they aren't going to increase her meds. The trigger will be Tuesday or Wednesday, so that means transfer is coming right on up! Also, she teased me about my lining worries by saying "An 8.8 isn't good enough for you?" I whinged about not being able to see the triple stripe, and she said not to worry--I've always had it, and with that thickness, it's in there. Oy. I'm a lot of work!
They are increasing my dalestrogen injectable dose upwards, but my doc says mine doesn't have to be too high anyway, and they want it to mimic a natural cycle. One more scan on Tuesday, and then it's gonna be go time.
Whew!

Looking up

Still at the clinic, but I wanted to update you all: conservative measurement of my lining is that it is at 8.3--it needs to be over seven.

Whew.

Let's hope the E2 level is good.
Anybody ever have cramping on dalestron?

It pays to be 23

First update on the donor:

After 5 days of stimming, they measured 19 follicles.

As an IVF vet, I know that the first number doesn't translate to your retrieved number, but starting out with a nice high number like 19, is VERY reassuring.

Fhew.

The news on my progress is a little less reassuring, but not bad. On Monday my E2 level was 476. They like to see it nearer to 600, so they bumped up my estrogen injection dose--I hope it does the trick. My vow to myself is to not push it. If the E2 number doesn't climb, and the lining isn't good, we aren't going to go forward with the transfer. Unlike in other cycles, I am not going to play any mind games with myself. I'm just going to deal with what is. Hopefully, I'll respond to the increased estrogen, if not, we'll deal with that.

This is what my doctor sarcastically calls my 'positive mindset'. Holy crap. If only she knew how bitter and pessimistic I could really be, she'd think that was me being Polly Positivity! 

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I'm sorry I haven't been updating. I'm in a weird place. In someways I feel so worn out from all of this (4 years of trying to get pregnant), that I don't feel like I've got a pithy thing left in me.  I suppose also, that after this many cycles, and this many disappointments, I don't have a lot of pep and vim left in me. I am feeling my Missouri roots: show me (the good lining, the good estrogen, the good fert rate, the good blast, the positive test, and on and on), and then i'll get excited.

One thing I have to come to realize about myself recently is that I am a far more closed and cautious person than would appear. I want to be excited, and hopeful and well, just not so damned cautious, but somehow, that last miscarriage took the starch right out of me. Too good to be true, was too good to be true.

What's worse is that I seem to have really lost the capacity to reach out to people, even you all, the most sympathetic group imaginable. I just feel so fucking traumatized.  Of course, it makes sense. When you are getting to the end of a journey is when you start to feel the pain of blisters and the broken shoes and the unrelenting grit on your skin.  I have this image of myself, 4 years ago, by no means innocent, scared, but so hopeful. Now I am a battle scarred warrior, wearing a mismatched uniform, wondering who the heck to take my orders from, and what the hell I'm fighting for. I have a dim memory of a flag, or shall I say a baby blanket, but it's pretty ripped up too.

I think I'll probably slog through, numb and cautious, hopefully with a huge wave of jubilation washing over me at some point. Pretty please?

Stay tuned. Donor girl and I have our next check on Friday. Here's hoping she's cooking at least 15 good ones!

Someday's I just feel sappy all day long

My friend, the amazing Eva is a Mother! Her baby boy Jay is home, and I've seen a picture of her holding him, and you can just see the light shining right out of her. Lucky mama, lucky baby.

In other news, my donor passed her baseline, and that means I start my baby aspirin, 4mg of Folic Acid and Estrogen shot tonight. Our coordinator said it is thicker than PIO, so I'm a bit apprehensive, but hell, I'll taken a lot of shots in the old hips over the years!

It feels so good to be happy--that is why these friendships are so important, they remind us that even through all the pain that we can still be touched, and that other's happiness increases, not diminishes, our own.

Now if I could only get my hands on that baby! He looks so delicious!

One down, one to go

The doctor pronounced my lining thin enough (6?). Tomorrow the donor has her baseline, and if she's all good, I take my estrogen shot tomorrow night, and she starts stims on Saturday.
Whew.

So far so good...I think

Ovary's seem quiet. Lefty has a 9 milimeter cyst, but they don't worry about anything under 12, so let's hpoefully that's not a problem. My lining was being shy, so it's unclear to me if it is thin enough. The tech said she'd had a day of shy linings. I'm guessing it's ok, but I won't know until they give me the all clear.

Verklempt is the only word for it, Mike Myers be dammed

Verklempt, though popularized by Mike Myers, is actually a GREAT word for how I'm feeling right now: all choked up with emotion.

I was off the grid, and didn't read my dear friend Eva's post yesterday; she might be meeting her son today!

She is definitely going to meet the birth mom, and I think the baby, but there's always a few more steps, and nothing is certain until it is, but it is SO EXCITING!  Anyhow, I got an email and a picture from her this morning and I just about lost it. The baby is so alert and gorgeous. He has that 'newborn-as-prizefighter' puff, but even in that, you can see what a handsome and smart little guy he is.  You know how babies eyes can be unfocused and sort of blurry looking? Not him. Chrystal clear and looking right at the camera.  

If you are the praying sort, pray that if this is a match, that it goes off with out a hitch. Eva dear needs a little 'easy'  for once!

***

In 2 hours I'm having my baseline sono.  I'm a wreck. I've been holding myself in check, doing my usual not-quite-chicken-little best to manage my anxiety about what today will hold, and after seeing that baby, self is no longer in check.  

I have no illusions left. This doesn't have to work. It should work. It may work. But there are no guarantees. 

Inasmuch as I am coming off as sounding negative, there is a huge part of me that can't imagine that this WON'T work. All of the donors other recipients have gotten pregnant, both of my losses were chromosomal, so my ute is likely to be good (provided it bounces back from the lupron suppression), and yet, it is a risk.

My therapist reminded me yesterday that this is the anniversary of the cycle where I got pregnant with Sparky.  And not much after that is the anniversary of when we lost him.  In addition, it's only 2 weeks until the anniversary of losing Zoe, our sweet kitty. So to say this time of year is a bit fraught, is an understatement.

I'll do my level best to be positive. I'll update as soon as humanly possible.

Something must be shifting

Yesterday my husband and I discussed the crib that is disassembled in our guest room closet.  Way back before IVF# 1, I was driving home, and there was a blond wood crib on the sidewalk in front of a neighbors house. It's sat mutely in our guest room closet, only slightly distending the extra coats and boxes we have stacked there.  My husband is the master decorator in our house--much more of an artist than I am, and willing to take risks, so he often is much more sure of what he wants. When I brought home the crib, lo those many years ago, there was talk to painting it a darker color and how he dislikes light colored wood.  Fast forward 2 years, and it turns out, he could care less what color it is.  The room itself is at the back of the house (good in summer, bad in winter), and could use whatever lightening effects we can muster. I poked around on Craigslist and found a multitude of serviceable changing tables and dressers in a similar finish.  If we play it right, we could have our nursery furniture for under $200 (and that is if we are picky).  We will be getting an organic mattress, so that will push things up a bit, but not as much as a new crib or changing table would cost.  

Then this morning I looked at a parents list-serve I'm on, and found that their marketplace section is even better than CL!  

It looks like I'm starting to feel hopeful, invested, believing in the future like a regular person.

Here's hoping it works!

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My doctor called on Thursday to confirm that I have antithyroid antibodies, which means my thyroid gland is getting attacked by my autoimmune system. Whoo hoo. Yet another auto immune syndrome. I do feel lucky that this we caught so early, when I'm still within the range of normal (not optimal for a pregnant lady,but good otherwise). My mom had very severe thyroiditis (Hashimtotos and graves disease, with alternating hypo and hypothyroidism; yikes!) and it took 8 months for her to get diagnosed. I'm going to try to get in to see an endocrinologist, and get the scoop on iodine and the like, and make sure I'm doing everything I can to manage this.

Lupron--eesh ***updated

I've never done a cycle with Lupron. They were way to worried about over suppressing me, so I didn't even use birth control pills. I did use microdose Lupron for all of my IVF's (after the ill fated BCP cycle).  So last night was my first ever lupron injection. The injection itself wasn't a problem (just like riding a bike, eh), but about an hour and half after the shot, I felt dizzy, and then that passed and I thought "ok, that wasn't too bad", but then I got an odd full body flush. It wasn't really a hot flash. I didn't get hot, but I got very oddly tingly. It felt like when I took niacin way back in the 90's.  It took about an hour for that to fully dissipate, but the backs of my hands and the tops of my feet stayed sort of...buzzy? Yeah, buzzy.  Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to this new chapter in my ART life.

Also, my TSH is slight elevated (last year at this time it was 2.047 and it was 3.620 at the end of April).  We talked to Dr Calm yesterday and she said that it isn't elevated for a woman who isn't trying to get pregnant, but for women trying to get pregnant, they like to have it in the 2.0 range because the fetus may have brain damage or neurological damage if your thyroid is too low. She's putting me on a very low dose, and she says it's probably over medicating, but she'd rather not take any chances.  I'll be taking .25 mcg, which she says is practically a sugar pill. My mom has had thyroid disease and takes .125 mcg's, so I can see what she means about the low dose.  Nonetheless, I'm feeling a bit worried about it...I just don't want any other worries. I'm full up.  I can choose not to worry about it, and for the most part I'm not, but between the effects of the lupron, and the potential effects of the thyroid supp, I hope I don't end up feeling really weird.

Oddly enough, my feet are still 'flushing'. Weird. Good thing I live somewhere that I can wear sandals!

I feel whiny, cranky and in need of a vacation.  My husband is having MAJOR oral surgery on the 25th, so it is going to be sort of nuts around here during the cycle. Luckily, he should be feeling normal enough by the time we have the transfer, so that is good. 

 I have two new mystery novels that i'm saving for my two days of bed rest, and honestly, it can't come fast enough.

What is wrong with me that when our doctor assures me that our donor is 'sweet' I find myself wishing she would say "smart as a whip!"  I am not the kind of person who likes being characterized as sweet. I think that is part of it. I am a very compassionate person, but I'm also pretty damn edgy, and I think it just keeps coming back to not feeling identified enough with this donor for my own comfort.  The rational part of me knows that my preoccupation with the donor is just a transitory phase as I wait to have a real live baby in my body, so I'm trying to keep it in perspective.

***The doc says I can try taking a benadryl a half hour before my lupron shot, and that might help with the flushing. Here's hoping/1