Dreams and False Alarms

Signed, sealed, delivered/ she's ours!

Sorry if I was unclear last night--I was in a lather.
The "Hell No!" was that we weren't going to share, AND we weren't going to lose her again.
I got confirmation this morning, she's ours! Last BCP on Thursday morning, auntie flo for 5 or 7 days or whatever and then were off to the races.
I'm feeling relieved, and a few glimmers of excitement, but I still feel a bit raw and sad and not quite up to feeling like this is somesort of message from the 'Universe'. We are so lucky to have this option.

That was Quick!

The Donor Program Manager emailed at 6:15 to ask if we were interested in a shared cycle. When I got the email at 8:30, my gut response was "HELL NO!" 

Gulp.

Were signing and faxing right this minute!

Decisions, Decisions!

Thanks so much for all the support. Saturday was really rough. I did a lot of weeping, and a lot of corresponding with other who've 'been there'.  I had a good talk with a friend, and then had fajitas. Pretty much a recipe for health and happiness. Oh, and a margarita, but Husband and i aren't sure if there was any alcohol in them...However, it was good.

We spent a lot of time looking at the donors, and were getting nowhere fast. Husband liked one, who rationally seemed like a good choice, but looked so little like me that I felt all sorts of crazy at the thought of using her.  Just to be clear "looks like me" at this point just means shares my ethnic heritage and has blue eyes and blond hair. The end. I gave up on finding my clone long long ago.  When I woke up on Monday, I was feeling quite 'stabby' and like I was going to be pushed into choosing this donor because she made the most sense! Well, she took care of that--she didn't update her address when she did her yearly updated and it turns out she's living out of the country! Hello! A huge weight lifted and I realized just how blotted out I felt at not even putting my coloring into the mix. Oy.  This is one crazy undertaking.

Anyhoodle, we managed to extract a 5 day 'right of first refusal' on the donor at our clinic. As I said before, she is all ready to go, even on BCP's as we speak (as am I, boy howdy to I hate BCP's).  Our clinic gave us until Friday to make the decision--we would stop our pills on Friday, and then have our period the week of the 26th,and then Lupron suppression would start around May 4th.  If I don't manage to ovulate or make a cyst (Sprogblogger did it, it could happen--I am queen of the cysts while on hormonal birth control), retrieval would be around the 17th, and transfer around the 24th!  I must admit, the idea of that schedule make me very very happy.

It would, of course, mirror the cycle when I got pregnant with Sparky in '08, which makes me feel...a bit sad I guess.

We were planning to have a bit blow out party for Husband's 40th on June 5th, but we might push that back a week, in case I'm pregnant, or not pregnant, ya know?  

So, the clock is ticking! I sent an email to our previous donor thanking her for two of the best months of my lift, and the joy and hope I got to feel again. I really meant it. Of course I wished it had all come together, but it was great to feel nomal-ish again.

I cadged some additional questions from another donor site to send along to our clinics donor. Hopefully, we'll feel a little more connected to her.

Zowie!

Screeching Halt Part II

Normally I would respond to each of you, but I just can't summon the energy. 

Here is the deal: The coordinator presented the high BMI as no big deal, just would require a bit more medication.  Husband wanted to talk directly to the doctor to get reassurance from Dr Calm herself.  Well, she didn't deliver. She said with a higher BMI the eggs are harder to retrieve (sometimes requires another doctor to manually manipulate the abdomen during egg retrieval), sometimes fewer are produced, and sometimes there are anesthesia issues (breathing problems because of heavier chest?)

Before anyone tells me about their story, or anything, here is the thing : She did not say it WOULD happen that we would get fewer eggs, she said it COULD happen.  And we are absolutely in no position to take any risks, emotionally or financially. I've made all the arguments, mustered all the data, but since we are so so far from having an ounce of buffer, we can't take the risk.

I am heartbroken. The donor feels horrible to have put us in this position, she had no idea that this could be a problem. She went through a lifestyle change (changed jobs), and stopped exercising, and put on about 45lbs.  She is really motivated to lose the weight (and is probably out there running up and down the block), but it may be too little to late. No, it is too little to late. For her to safely lose 20lbs, it would take 3 or 4 months.  Ugh. Why did no one ask her about her weight? She could have lost at least 10lbs in the 6 weeks we've been dicking around with paperwork. Argh.

The only bright spot is that a donor we liked at our clinic, who was snatched away for a shared cycle that fell through, is screened, on the pill and raring to go. This seems like a no brainier. But damn. I like our Darling Donor. I'm attached. I'm finding it hard to move on.

This is going to be one tough weekend.

Lots of tears and bags I thought I'd finally put in the closet have all toppled out on top of me, and I feel flattened.

Screeching halt

Our doctor does not recommend moving forward with our donor.
Fuck.

Inch by Inch

I got an email from the coordinator saying two things:
Antral Follicle count is 16 (they only count follicles that are over a certain size, so this is a good number!)

And our donors BMI has increased since she last donated.  She's a bit on the short side, so it doesn't take much for it to get high. They said they could see her ovaries easily, but that it might take a bit more medication to stimulate her.

I was a bit worried, but now I'm back to being calm. The coordinator reassured me that the reason they like to have the BMI lower is that that sometimes they can't see the ovaries. I know that some clinics say it affects egg production, there have been plenty of women who've done IVF with their own eggs who had high BMI's and made lots of eggs and got pregnant, so I'm not going to sweat it.

She had her genetic screening done, and the results should be back next week, then she'll start her period around the 24th of April, and start lupron with that cycle! SO COOL!

I'm going to take a pill break next week. The choice was to not take a break and go straight from pills to lupron, but I'm worried about being over suppressed and not getting a good lining for the fresh transfer, so a break from the 19th to the 23rd, and that will likely get us all nice and coordinated!

I'm just going to let myself assume that her other two clinics did fragile X and Cystic Fibrosis screening and she passed and that the rest of 94 chromosomes are going to be OK. Our sperm donor passed the expanded Jewish panel with flying colors (that's over and above the 96), so hopefully there are no weird undiscovered outliers. Amen.

I'm in my usual kind of productive in-between-cycles hibernation.  I'm reading, and commenting,and so grateful that you are all still following this long drawn out saga. Oy.