Thanks so much for all the support. Saturday was really rough. I did a lot of weeping, and a lot of corresponding with other who've 'been there'. I had a good talk with a friend, and then had fajitas. Pretty much a recipe for health and happiness. Oh, and a margarita, but Husband and i aren't sure if there was any alcohol in them...However, it was good.
We spent a lot of time looking at the donors, and were getting nowhere fast. Husband liked one, who rationally seemed like a good choice, but looked so little like me that I felt all sorts of crazy at the thought of using her. Just to be clear "looks like me" at this point just means shares my ethnic heritage and has blue eyes and blond hair. The end. I gave up on finding my clone long long ago. When I woke up on Monday, I was feeling quite 'stabby' and like I was going to be pushed into choosing this donor because she made the most sense! Well, she took care of that--she didn't update her address when she did her yearly updated and it turns out she's living out of the country! Hello! A huge weight lifted and I realized just how blotted out I felt at not even putting my coloring into the mix. Oy. This is one crazy undertaking.
Anyhoodle, we managed to extract a 5 day 'right of first refusal' on the donor at our clinic. As I said before, she is all ready to go, even on BCP's as we speak (as am I, boy howdy to I hate BCP's). Our clinic gave us until Friday to make the decision--we would stop our pills on Friday, and then have our period the week of the 26th,and then Lupron suppression would start around May 4th. If I don't manage to ovulate or make a cyst (Sprogblogger did it, it could happen--I am queen of the cysts while on hormonal birth control), retrieval would be around the 17th, and transfer around the 24th! I must admit, the idea of that schedule make me very very happy.
It would, of course, mirror the cycle when I got pregnant with Sparky in '08, which makes me feel...a bit sad I guess.
We were planning to have a bit blow out party for Husband's 40th on June 5th, but we might push that back a week, in case I'm pregnant, or not pregnant, ya know?
So, the clock is ticking! I sent an email to our previous donor thanking her for two of the best months of my lift, and the joy and hope I got to feel again. I really meant it. Of course I wished it had all come together, but it was great to feel nomal-ish again.
I cadged some additional questions from another donor site to send along to our clinics donor. Hopefully, we'll feel a little more connected to her.
Zowie!
Zowie. Good luck with the decision making!
Posted by: Cat | April 20, 2010 at 10:52 AM
This is all so tough. I like your description "blotted out" by having someone who doesn't resemble you at all. I get that. Like we're hoping to retain a small sense of ourselves through these processes. I'm glad you have the 5 day right of first refusal so you can take some time to process decision making. there's so much more to it than picking someone who "makes the most sense" as i know you know. hope you're able to feel that it's the right fit on all the many levels. thinking of you.
Mo
Posted by: Mo | April 20, 2010 at 10:53 AM
This choosing and connecting with a donor business sounds incredibly more difficult than our process of using frozen donor eggs. It sounds absolutely heartbreaking to be disappointed again and again as plans fall through. I so hope this donor is the one able to help you get your babies. I am sorry for all the hurt you have been through on this journey.
I must say now that we have twins on the way (and not even through my own body), I simply do not care who the donor happens to be. I hope you also find this level of peace.
Posted by: cindyhoo2 | April 20, 2010 at 11:02 AM
Sarah - I really beleive that the child we get is the child we were meant to have. Regardless of the setbacks just realize that every day is one day closer that child. I have never had to deal with this side of infertility, but I fully understand the disapointment of set backs. Still, you have options on the table and you are boldly considering each - there is no other option then to continue to plug away at your dream.
Right behind you...
Posted by: jaded | April 20, 2010 at 03:33 PM
You're right...this is one crazy undertaking. My transfer w/ donor egg will be around the 17th. Good luck with the new donor, I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: Paige | April 20, 2010 at 03:33 PM
I'm glad to hear that you've settled on a plan that seems to feel OK right now, and I'm also glad that you've given yourself a little time to decide if it REALLY feels OK. Good luck!
Posted by: Sara | April 20, 2010 at 04:46 PM
So glad to read that a path is revealing itself re: out of country donor and all ready to go donor.
I hope it comes together easily, whatever you decide.
Posted by: It is what it is | April 20, 2010 at 06:05 PM
Wow. It sounds like we've got a plan and I KNOW how good that must feel. Yes!
Posted by: Eva | April 20, 2010 at 06:12 PM