Hi! Sorry for the silence. Between getting the taxes prepped for the CPA, and my new work project, I've had little time for blogging, or thinking about blogging. I do have thoughts, but none compelling enough to cut through the other busy work.
Things with our donor continue to move along swimmingly. She has had her psych eval, her legal consult and has called the clinic coordinator to set up her appointmetns. I guess it all hinges on her cycle at this point, since we need to get an FSH/E2 read before we can proceed. Right now, I'm just going "LALALALALA it will all be fine!" because, well frankly, I need to. I can wring a negative thought out of just about any situation, so I'm sitting on it.
One thing I find very interesting is that I find myself trying to imagine the perfect gift for her. These imagined gifts are all presented in a red canvas basket (like the ones you can get for your grocery shopping or gardening? not sure). And then like a bolt of lightening it hit me: I want to presnet her with some sort of womb stand in, something to say "I need your eggs, but I'm full of good sweet things to give this baby." Not in a competative sense, at least I don't think it is, but more in a reassuring sense.
Does anyone else find themselves feeling sort of as if the egg donor is the birth mother? I know she isn't, but it is the narrative my mind leaps back to over and over. I wonder if this helps me, or not? Does it make me feel like she needs to be included, or is it that she is what I have of this baby right now, and so I am thinking of her? Color me confused.
Most of the time, I'm excited, anxious, and ready to be getting going already, and then another part of me is happy to have this time to just let my attachment to her wax and wane, and to figure out what is happening inside of me.
Glad to hear things are moving along with your donor. I do occasionally think of our donor as the birth mother and in dark moments "the real mother". I think it's normal, but is also something I'm trying to work through. I think the idea of a gift is a nice idea and very considerate of you to think of.
Good luck with the taxes!
Posted by: Sweet Georgia | March 12, 2010 at 05:09 AM
It sounds goofy, but since Easter is coming up, especially, there are plenty of sweets out there in the shape of eggs. Last year I was in a buddy group when we all got Secret Pen Pals to whom to send treats. The woman to which I was assigned was going through a donor egg (recipient) cycle, so I sent her a basket of chocolate eggs, with a note along the lines of "May all the eggs in your life be as sweet.". Corny, but she loved it. Godiva has really nice ones. I don't think you need to buy something extravagant, it's such a sweet idea to let her know what a gift this is to you and that she's not just some nameless donor.
Posted by: NoodleGirl | March 12, 2010 at 05:15 AM
Glad things are moving ahead for you...
I think a little gift a little note corny or not makes the ED day and lets them know that there is thoughts there.
It is all going to great.. keep the lalala going!
Posted by: t | March 13, 2010 at 08:55 PM
To answer your question- I don't feel like my ED is the birth mother- and you won't either when you are getting morning sickness, heartburn, kicks in the middle of the night and are waddling around.
Before the process, I tried to look at it like any other donor- like with bone marrow or a kidney. I know now that it is much more than that for me- she gave me my dreams and what a special gift that really was. I didn't give her anything per say, but I put her up in very nice hotels so she would be comfortable, and ordered an edible arrangement for her room.
I spent a long time on the card I gave her and really poured my heart out with gratitude.
As time goes on, I am still so grateful but, for me, her role is fading into the background. I know that my feelings will likely change as the seasons do. For now, I feel all mother. Hope that helps.
Posted by: Lisa dg | March 18, 2010 at 07:46 PM
Sometimes, I feel similarly about our sperm donor and I wish I could send him a big THANK YOU card so he'll know how much his "gift" means to C and me. And that's not nearly as big a deal as an egg donor's contribution, so I can only imagine how I'd feel in your shoes. Then there are times when I feel and know that this baby is C's and mine alone. True, we couldn't have made Ishka without a lot of help, but this is our baby to love and teach and raise. I suspect that the gratitude will last a lifetime, but the "other parent" thoughts will fade away as we develop a more concrete history and relationship with this little person.
I'm so happy things are moving along for you! And I admire your positivity- keep it up!
Posted by: Beth | March 19, 2010 at 11:14 AM
A gift is nice, but it's the letters that I love as a donor. Quite honestly, they can keep their gifts and just let me know in words that they are sane, capable, and loving (as much as humans can be). Nothing beats a letter, nothing.
Posted by: the good eggs | March 20, 2010 at 11:46 AM
Hello! I find I still sort through my feelings toward our donor. I'm glad we know her for LB's sake, but sometimes I wish I didn't. I'm glad I get to tell her in person how much I appreciate her and sometimes I wish there was no one else involved in the conception.
I like what "the good eggs" posted. I would resent giving a gift to someone who I was already paying a large amount to. I imagine I would have very much wanted to send a letter.
Posted by: Kami | March 22, 2010 at 09:18 PM
I don't know so much about feeling as the donor is the birth mom, but I do always assume that the baby will be female because the donor was female. Is that weird or what?
Posted by: Maredsous | March 23, 2010 at 09:35 PM
I'm glad for the idea from the good eggs about what to do for the donor. I hesitated to buy her a present and also didn't want to give her one only if we got pregnant and then we didn't and I felt like crap and now we are I really want to do something. But I hesitate to spend more money on this priceless gift.
So I will write her a letter.
And by the way, egg donors rock and I have to tell you it was such a relief for me not to have to worry about my lousy eggs but to hear all this good news coming about the donor and how well she was doing and all i had to do was focus on my uterus ( which was a job in itself)
I never thought of the donor as the birth or real mother. It's funny I am crazy about both the sperm and the egg donor but I often forget that it's a de facto donor embryo I am carrying and sometimes I remember and get surprised. But that's just me - and I know everyone has different feelings and different reasons for those feelings.
Good luck in the next part of the process. Sending lots of positive energy to you!
Posted by: tireegal | March 27, 2010 at 08:48 PM