I am about a week away from starting BCP's so the donor and I can sync our cycles, for a transfer sometime in May. I am exctied, and nevous and as you can see, laying low.
I'm not sure why. I think it is a well needed break from thinking about all of this stuff. I'm feeling better than I have in a while. I started taking nortriptaline (v low dose) to help with my sleep disorder. It worked wonders for me when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyaligia, and after the series of rapid cycling flare ups I was having starting in January, I was ready for a break.
I went to a very interesting conference yesterday, and it has me thinking, again, about illusions.
In my last post I said that I found myself calling the egg donor "the birth mother" in my head.
At the conference yesterday, the panelists and the audience were all wrestling with the psychological differences between birth mothers and donors. One presenter coined the term 'birth other' which I think really does encompass the whole field from sperm donors to surrogates.
From a lot of different things said yesterday, I started to think about what it would be like to consider the egg donor the birth mother. No one suggested this directly, but through a lot of what was said, I started to think about all the ways, and boy howdy could this be controversial to say, that using donor gametes allows us to preserve the illusion, for ourselves, at least in part, that the baby we are carrying is made from our gametes and those of our partner. But why not at least play with the idea?
Birth mother implies the person who gives birth, so it's sort of the wrong term, but this child, at least in part, could have been one she carried and raised, if not for the choice she made to donate her eggs. And she is a real person. A human, just like me. Just like our child will be. She is not a body part, or a cell, she's a whole person. Just like a birth mother would be. And yes this is different, the child will be in my body, it will be my blood sustaining and feeding it, and finally it will enter the world through the portal of my body, not hers. So perhaps we are both birth mothers? And both birth others?
I think what I'm getting at, in my usual round about sort of way is this: If I reduce her to cells, or just turn her into parts, I can much much more easily put aside my own mourning. If she is real, if she is a mother of a sort, an 'other' mother, then my illusion that there is no one between me and my child is deflated. Now maybe, this isn't your illusion. I don't know. But I know for myself, part of what made the selection process so hard was that I couldn't find my whole self out there ready to donate her eggs. So I did the next best thing: I picked someone I liked, and who shared enough in common with me physically to give the child a chance at the illusion that we all belong together physically. And sure, if I'd adopted, or if I adopt, that isn't a luxury I'll have the illusion of entertaining.
So I suppose I'm mourning the baby who could 'pass'; another illusion to retire, another baby to say goodbye to.
What I am really looking forward to is the very good chance that there will a baby to say hello to instead of goodbye to.
whew.
Saying hello is a wonderful thing to look forward to!
It's such a complicated issue, isn't it? It seems different with sperm donors, somehow, because their role in the conception mimics that which we expect from a father much more closely (contribute some sperm--wait 9 months). With mothers and egg donors, though, it really is different, I think. To me, gestation seems like a pretty important thing, especially since the gestational mother (whether she is the genetic mother or not, and whether she is the social mother or a surrogate) has such profound effects on the child's prenatal and postnatal development. Put simply, if the same embryo developed in a different woman, it would be slightly different. We tend to obsess about genetics in our society, and to forget about epigenetics, but that doesn't mean that epigenetics aren't important. You can influence the child's metabolism, tastes, temperament, etc. before the child is even born as a gestational mother/carrier. So, I think that it's a little bit more meaningful to develop a construction of motherhood that includes both genetic and gestational roles, than it would be to attempt the same thing for fathers.
Posted by: Sara | March 28, 2010 at 04:36 PM
I have yet to find a terminology for egg donors that I think honors their contribution. Like you said, my egg donor to me is so much more than the cells she donated to us. Those cells she donated have become a part of my life and they have forever changed the course of my life. I like your idea that both my egg donor and I are birth (m)others. I feel like we were both equally important in creating him. Neither of us could have produced my son without the other. (After his birth, however, I think is a different story. I am my son's parent, but she is not. She has no relationship with my son although one day that may change if TK wants to find and meet her.)
Posted by: Summer | March 28, 2010 at 08:40 PM
To me, the egg donor is the biological mother, well mostly.I had a tough time with the search for a donor as well - exactly for the reason you stated. I was searchng for me, and "me" was not an option.
I have read a lot on epigenetics and feel like the break down is 50% my husband, 25% the donor and 25% me (even though technically the donor probably is a much higher percentage).
Posted by: Sweet Georgia | March 29, 2010 at 05:04 AM
I consider W's sperm donor to just be another tool in getting me to parenthood. A pretty big tool, but still on par with the doctors, the drugs, the procedures.
A really helpful book (at least for me) was Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering tough questions and building strong families.
I think they actually use the term "birth other" in the book.
Posted by: Calliope | March 29, 2010 at 08:44 AM
This was such a thoughtful post, I'm sure you echo the sentiments of many other mothers who pursued a child with DE or DS. It is interesting to me, as someone who seriously considered DE myself, that there seems to be so much less of a grey area when it comes to donor sperm. Hardly anyone regards that donor as the "father". But, obviously, it's so much more a distant relationship - can be done years in advance, millions are donated with little, um, "effort" on the part of the man.
I agree with a pp about epigenetics making the child much more you than you might realize - or anyone does since that science is so new. Plus, you cannot underestimate the nurturing after birth and how that will make that baby your own, in mannerisms and personality and even looks.
Very excited to see your transfer coming up so soon, please keep us updated! :)
Posted by: NoodleGirl | March 29, 2010 at 10:18 AM
That makes sense to me. I think I misunderstood your original post, but now I think I get it. If I am understanding you correctly, youre talking about your process, not the way that you will think about the child or encourage the child to think about his/her parentage.
I think that mourning the genetic connection is something that may happen in stages: now, again when the child is born and you dont get to play the hey, he has uncle Joes ears! game (although sometimes that works out anyway), later when the story actually gets woven into the childs life narrative, etc. I dont think that its necessarily something that you can get out of the way all at once. Its really self-aware of you to notice your own
constructions of paternity and how they are designed to soothe your own feelings. Its probably a good idea to peek around the corners of those constructions to see what might be lurking there, but at the same time, I imagine that some things may both look and feel different when there is an actual child in the picture.
Regardless, I really appreciate your sharing. Its absolutely fascinating stuff. I sometimes find myself alarmed to realize that my own logic (e.g., the argument that gestational mothers ARE critically important for development) often collides with my political views (surrogacy isnt a form of motherhood, but rather an act analogous to e.g., bone marrow donation). This really is a brave new world that were living in.
From: Sarah
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Sent: Mon, March 29, 2010 12:07:47 AM
Subject: RE: [Dreams and False Alarms] Summer submitted a comment to laying low
Posted by: Dreams and False Alarms | March 29, 2010 at 02:56 PM
I'm glad other posters have mentioned epigenetics. As a scientist by training, the prospect of giving up a genetic link - realizing that I am an evolutionary dead end - was perhaps more hurtful than just about any part of IF. Understanding the profound influence that gestation can have on gene expression made me feel so much more connected to pregnancy. I think your balance of recognizing this along with the absolutely crucial role the egg donor plays, however, will benefit both your feelings about being a DE mama as well as the feelings of your LO when the time comes to talk about being donor conceived.
I don't think that comparing an egg donor to a birth mom is really accurate - but it does at least shine light on the generous role she plays in your child's conception and, indeed, life. She will be a part of his or her life and deserves the same respect - if not the same role - as a genetic AND gestational mother.
At the same time, you will also play a huge role not just as a parent but as the earliest nurturer. You will gestate and (if you choose) nurse your baby. These processes do sometimes allow you to "forget" that your baby isn't genetically yours. Sometimes indulging in that lapse of memory is nice - it minimizes the "otherness" you worry will always be there.
I think about my son's conception every day. It's not a self-pitying type of reflection; it's just something I am aware of. He looks SO much like my husband and every time I think about that, the corollary thought of "he'll never look like me" follows. But it doesn't make him less my son - it just makes him more... HIM.
Posted by: squarepeg | March 29, 2010 at 09:02 PM
It's a very complicated issue and I'm wrestling with some of this myself so I don't feel that I have any profound words to share right now. But I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'm reading and listening and sending you lots of hugs.
Posted by: Eva | March 30, 2010 at 06:14 PM