Wingeing my way through

Thanks for all the support on Tuesday. My smart therapist pointed out that 'losing' a donor is yet another miscarriage. That helped me so much. I was actually not too much of a wreck Wed through Friday. Husband and I had a good talk, and then I decided to start 'looking around'.  The big outside donor sources didn't really have any donors I was drawn to, so I looked at a smaller, sort of 'corner store' agency, and found that they are less expensive, and I found a donor who looks a bit like me, is 23, has done a previous cycle, and the cycle resulted in a pregnancy. The not so good thing was that she had 15 follicles, but only 4 mature eggs, all of which became embryos (two transferred, two frozen, day three).  The woman from the agency said that the doctor said he would use a different protocol next time.  She also said another donor had a similar cycle with that doctor, and then went to a, and I quote "better" doctor, and had much better cycles. So, the agency has sent the records they have, and the donor is going to request her actual records from the other clinic and our doctor will review them. I hope hope hope that we don't have the same effect on this donor of focusing our attention on her and then Blamo! someone else is willing to move faster, and were ass-out again.

I have tried and tried to want to use the one donor at our clinic who is left. But when I look at her, I just don't feel drawn to her. Of course, using an outside donor is more expensive, so yesterday I went and asked my father for money. He has it to lend, and understands why we need it, and in the grand scheme of things, it is a small amount of money. But to me, it felt like a defeat. I can't even get pregnant without my parents help. Yes rationally this is silly, but I am one of those people who feel things on a very symbolic level. It feels like a failure of generativity.  And yes, I know it is just money, and this is what family's do for each other, but still. To at least be able to pay for making your own child seems like not much to ask for. I have accepted that I will not make love to my husband and get pregnant, I have accepted that I will not get pregnant using IVF, I have accepted (sort of, more in a minute) that I need donor eggs to get pregnant. But to need money from them feels like a failure of this private act of making a child. It is odd, I have been able to handle having all these doctors and nurses and various other medical people in this experience with me, but somehow, involving my parents feels like a loss of autonomy.  I feel humiliated.  Utterly humiliated. To be clear, my father was nothing by kind and generous. But for me, it was a ding this piece of adulthood.

A friend a year younger than me posted an elliptical message on Facebook and asked people to guess, I guessed engaged, and someone else guessed pregnant. Turns out both are true. I didn't guess pregnant for a lot of obvious reasons, but also because she has always been ambivalent abut having children, I guess that's shifted.  I'm feeling a new wave of disbelief that this is what is real, this is what is happening. I am not going to use my eggs ever again.  It makes absolute sense in every direction to go to donor eggs, and frankly we can't afford to take any more time with my eggs, but it just seems impossible. Impossible that my eggs are this bad. I just can't figure out why I can't accept it. There is a loud screamy part of me that says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are fine, this is crazy!" And then the part of me that can look at the evidence and say "Its time to move on"  Sort of like a relationship that is bad, but not awful, and you think "I could stay, I could go, is it better out there? Worse?"

I think that borrowing money from my parents also makes this seem final. This is it; it has to work. If it doesn't work, it will take time to gather up the resources to do the next thing, and we are getting older and older. My husband will be 40 in June and I'll be 40 in October.  How the fuck did that happen? How did we end up here with no money left , and no baby and looking down the barrel into this gun? It's sort of like when something bad happens, and there is a part of your brain that just wants to rewind and start over, and make it so that everything that just happened, never happened. For the most part I can stay in the present (not the moment, just 2010), but other times I feel like I'm reeling back 4 years and trying to find that juncture that would have taken us on a different path.

And then, I feel selfish and awful. My beautiful, smart, wonderful unique husband doesn't get to play this game the way I do. Sure, maybe someone else could have gotten pregnant with his translocation, maybe my eggs are just too fucked up, and someone else's would have done it, but no matter what, the likelihood that he would have had genetic offspring is low. And here I am wingeing because I don't get any more chances.

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In other news, I'm thinking of taking on a work project that will probably help me make some more money, but will also be a bit of a commute, and if I do get pregnant, I might not be in the best shape to do it, but for 3 years I've done as little as possible because I might be pregnant next month, and that has gotten me a whole lotta nowhere in my career.  In Sept I took on another project and have made wonderful connection that will probably serve my personal life and my career very well for years to come. And I did that because I was tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting to be pregnant. 

My back is getting a bit better, but it's still quite a mess. I've been taking a lot of Motrin, and it is helping with the inflammation.  I'm hoping I can go to a Pilates Reformer class next week. It's within our finical constraints (unlike working one on one with a trainer), and it is the only exercise I feel safe doing, and it works for my back and my looks. I haven't had a bad fibromyalgia flare up like this in a few years, and good lord, I had forgotten how exhausting it is to be in constant pain. The Motrin is really helping with the inflammation, as is using my pelvic floor muscles to stabilize my spine when I turn over in bed. Yup, I have to wake up slightly to turn over or I'll hurt myself. No matter what else happens, I can get a steroid injection in my spine if needed. I did one 8 years ago and it changed my life. It's my escape valve thought, and safe to do when you are pregnant.

Comments

[Sprogblogger]

I'm sorry this is all so hard. I know the feeling about feeling both like an utter failure, but also disbelieving - I'm not that old, why are all my eggs such crap?!?

If it helps at all, once I really bought into (literally - yowza, what a check to have to write!) the DE thing, it stopped feeling like a last-ditch effort and started feeling like my very best chance of having a baby. Which felt good and which took a lot of pressure off me that I hadn't even realized I'd been feeling.

And I hope that the pain goes away. My mom has fibromyalgia and it's a sucky, sucky thing. Thinking of you.

[meinsideout]

I remember the feeling of writing the check for our final IVF - it was after the BFN of that cycle - and that check drained our savings. It was so horribly demoralizing.

I am sorry that DE cycles are so expensive - yet another male/female unfairness (sperm is so plentiful and relatively cheap to buy).

I hope you continue to find relief from your physical pain.

[musicmakermomma]

Hang in there - it is so awful to feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel and that's where IF puts us so much of the time. Sorry you had to ask for money, but I think you are completely justified in getting the best donor possible. If I had done that my first cycle instead of going with the only available one at our clinic, I might not be on DE cycle #4!!! For crying out loud.

Take care, it will get better.

[Calliope]

it sucks that none of this can ever lead up to one of those evil and coy facebook bombs. I still cringe when my friends do the pg announcements at like 5 weeks along...blah
The borrowing money- I know it was hard- but I am SO SO SO glad that you did it. You can now find a donor that will be just right.
thinking of you lots.
xo

[Sara]

You know that you did the right thing, and don't need a lecture, but I can't help but say that you DID do the right thing in asking you dad for money. It's so hard to ask (been there, done that), but that really is what families are for. I'm positive that your dad would rather have a happy daughter and a grandchild than some money. I also get the whole loss of autonomy/adulthood feeling. Been there too. Sucks.

I'm glad to hear that there is a donor out there who looks a bit like you. I hope that she checks out with your RE. I think you're so smart to be sure to pick a donor that you're happy with.

I also know what you mean about disbelief. My OLDER sister is pregnant with an oops. She's 42. I cried for about three hours when I found out.

I didn't know you had fibro. That sucks too. I hope you feel better soon.

[NoodleGirl]

So much going on, so much to comment on! First of all, your therapist really is smart, losing your donor really is another loss. I'm so happy for you that you have found a therapist who seems get it.

I'm also glad that you're not forcing yourself to like that final donor at your clinic. If it doesn't feel right, definitely don't go for it on something as important as this. Especially when you have another donor who sounds very promising at the smaller agency.

I know borrowing money for your parents might seem final, but I can't imagine there's anything else they rather help fund than helping their daughter attain her dream and possibly gaining a grandchild.

Finally, go for that work project. It'll distract you for a while and even when you get pregnant, you won't begrudge yourself the extra money. You'll probably be tired and possibly nauseous and all that, but you'll never be happier to feel like crap, so you can do it!

You've got so many balls in the air right now, hon, and you're handling it like a champ.

[Beth]

Sorry to hear that it was painful on many levels to borrow money from your father for DE, but glad that he had it to give and did so without demanding some kind of justification. I do hope he understand that it takes more than money to succeed and that you, yourself, will not be sitting by idly waiting for a DE pregnancy to just happen (wouldn't that be nice?). You've invested so much of yourself in this effort already, and have so much riding on DE that the financial aspect sometimes seems like a rude slap in the face.

Good luck with the donor selection, and I hope this is your silver bullet!

[Michele]

I know this is a hard place to be... I wish I had something other than my thoughts to offer, but they are with you... Wherever that takes you.

[Kami]

. . . but it just seems impossible. Impossible that my eggs are this bad. I just can't figure out why I can't accept it. There is a loud screamy part of me that says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are fine, this is crazy!"

I still feel this way. I can't believe it even though 4 fresh cycles with my eggs failed and a fresh (and so far) frozen worked with DE. It must have been just luck.

I hope things get better.

[jaded]

You are on the edge of making/accepting a huge decision that will be a game changer, not even breathing comes easily. It's ok to feel all these emotions, but truly i'm sure your father is so happy to help in achieving this most precious dream. I don't have my dad in my life, but know the love and commitment he has shown you, becuase after losing Daniella we were not quite sure what our options were, but my mother offered to carry a pregnancy for me if that would do the trick. It made me sad to think (at the time) that i would lose the chance of carrying my baby, so I know (to an extent) where you are coming from.

After Daniella died I lost my job and then we almost lost our home in a period of 6 months - so um yeah i've looked down the barrel of a gun and it is a bithc. This was a year and a half ago and slowly we have picked up the pieces and our future is different than what we imagined, but you know what? It's our future and we've fought for it together and i'll take it.

I wish you and your hubby strength on your journey as you two put together the pieces of your present that will result in your future.

Sincerest of hugs to you...

[Lisa dg]

I wish I could convince you not to be sad that you had to ask your dad for the money. When I was in the throws of my many an IVF cycle, I had to do the same humiliating thing. Remember that he wants a grandchild from you too. And he wants you to be happy.

As for the donor agency- you should be able to have someone on hold for a week to make an informed decision- that is BS! Understand that, even with the expense, if the donor's previous cycle ended in pregnancy and eggs to freeze, it was a good cycle. We get all freaked out on wanting to freeze a baker's dozen. It really does just take one.

I turn 42 this year and it hurts when I think of the time lost...the time spent on the journey. Don't get me wrong, the wait seems worth it now- but it does sadden me that all that time means less time on the back end being a mom to this baby. I guess what I am saying is that you need to feel good about the donor you choose, but please don't get too hung up on it and delay the ultimate end you seek.

I'm here cheering you on from the sidelines...sorry I haven't been in touch much lately.

[Lj]

Hi, just stumbled upon your blog. I have just completed a private egg donation (if you're interested in reading about it I'll attach my blog). It was a lot of hard work, but nothing you can't do on your own with a little help from your clinic coordinator. Save quite a bit of money and its more personal (if that's what you're into). As for borrowing money, well my parents have been with us all the way and have said "IF is a family problem." There are no grandkids for them so I might have a slight advantage there...they will stop at nothing. We're very broke though - line of credit maxed...but you do what you have to. Good luck with your search for the right donor! Hang in there.

[the good eggs]

I'm proud of you for going for that new project. I am bad about pausing other parts of my life for something that I can only assume is coming. In fact, I'm doing the sort of work I do now because of that continual pausing I did earlier in life. You're much better off working and waiting than just waiting.