Thank you so much, each and every one of you who has commented, sometimes twice, to let us know that you are with us in our pain and loss.
I am numb. I may be angry, but I'm not quite sure who or what I'm angry with. I can't cry. I cried more on Monday than I have Tuesday and Wednesday combined. I just feel shut down.
At this point what I am most sure of is that I am weary, and that husband is weary. We hardly let down our guard through the whole 7 weeks--each of us was waiting for a bad thing to happen, and when it did, it felt as if the inevitable had come to pass. Of course, that's hindsight, but still, we are so battle weary it is hard to really believe that pregnant means baby.
We are at a crossroads. Hopefully we'll have the genetic results in two weeks, hopefully there are some results to be had. The last time it was too late and nothing could be learned from the culture.
We are looking for the money tree, wishing that doing DE didn't mean scraping so close to the bottom of both our emotional and financial reserves.
Thank you again for all of your support--it means the world to us.
Again, Sarah, I'm so so sorry. If you're not ready to hear the DE pep talk I've had to give myself twice already (and possibly a 3rd time if this current up and down IVF cycle doesn't work out), don't read below yet. But just know that so many of us are still thinking of you. I hate that this had to happen to you. :(
I know DE may seem like hitting the bottom of your emotional reserve, and believe me, I've been there too. But there's almost something comforting about hitting emotional bottom, as sucky as the reasons are for getting there. DE doesn't seem so bad to us now, something we are so glad gave us another option.
As for financial, I'm not sure how your insurance works, but I was surprised to find out that many cover a portion of DE. Just an FYI.
Posted by: NoodleGirl | December 17, 2009 at 09:22 AM
love you
and totally get the impulse to be mad and angry & then even more mad and angry because there isn't a place to project such emotions towards.
it fucking sucks ass
Posted by: calliope | December 17, 2009 at 11:32 AM
sending hugs
Posted by: Michele | December 17, 2009 at 12:11 PM
Prayers and hugs.
Posted by: Julie | December 17, 2009 at 12:14 PM
Wish I could say something to make you feel better...thinking of you.
Posted by: a | December 17, 2009 at 12:50 PM
The place you are in now is awful, don't feel like you have to decide the next step this second. Although having a plan does give you focus - having been there I know I cling to a plan when I'm feeling so disoriented. We're on our 4th try with DE in January, hopefully with a happy outcome, but it is no guarantee. Thinking of you.
Posted by: musicmakermomma | December 17, 2009 at 01:00 PM
it is hard to really believe that pregnant means baby.
*hugs*
My heart is breaking for you.
Posted by: Tally | December 17, 2009 at 02:41 PM
I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you. Take care.
Posted by: Heather | December 17, 2009 at 02:52 PM
thinking of you and sending you all my good energy
Posted by: meinsideout | December 17, 2009 at 04:15 PM
Sarah,
There's nothing I can say to make this better but I am so sorry because it's just so damn rotten.
much love,
g
Posted by: geohde | December 17, 2009 at 04:44 PM
I'm sorry you have to endure any of this and words seem like a drop in a sea of tears. Just sending an extra dose of hugs and love.
Posted by: Traci | December 17, 2009 at 04:50 PM
Love you guys, and here to support you on whatever path you choose (or don't, for that matter).
I'm in SoCal and cut off from civilization here in the mountains until after Christmas, but will check in as often as I can and will email my folks' number separately just in case you need to call us.
Thinking of you...
k
Posted by: Kate Bassford Baker | December 17, 2009 at 06:28 PM
I'm not sure what to do except hold your hand, so that is what I'll do.
Posted by: Jill | December 17, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Sarah, I am so so sorry. I have only just seen your news so sorry as well for not sending you my love earlier. I know there are no words that can help, so I will say that I am thinking of you.
Posted by: Bee Cee | December 18, 2009 at 03:23 AM
Oh christ no - I just heard. damn it. Damn it all. God I'm so sorry - there are just no words.
Posted by: squarepeg | December 18, 2009 at 05:56 PM
here via meinsideout...so sorry for your loss...such devastating news...there really are no words. thinking of you...
Posted by: lilly | December 18, 2009 at 06:27 PM
Oh fuck, Sarah, I am so very sorry. Much love and strength to you and your husband.
Posted by: Sarah | December 19, 2009 at 05:10 AM
I'm so sorry, and so angry for you. Hugs.
Posted by: Sara | December 19, 2009 at 06:32 AM
Sarah, I just read your last couple of posts and can't believe what has happened. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Summer | December 19, 2009 at 09:56 PM
I'm so sorry. I wish there was something, anything I could say or do to make this easier on you guys. This just really, really sucks. ((hugs))
Posted by: Manapan | December 20, 2009 at 02:38 AM
I am so very sorry for all you are going through. You are in my thoughts and I am sending all the wishes of peace and strength I can muster.
Posted by: Jamie | December 22, 2009 at 06:26 PM