Full Contingency Living**updated

I am not doing so good today.

I managed to keep the fear of the baby being dead on the periphery through most of the weekend, but this morning, it has crawled up into my head, and won't be shaken loose.

There is no escaping the realty that my breasts have deflated a bit, and are less sore, and even if one of the baby sites says that might happen around 8 weeks, it just feels like a bad sign.

At one point, as I lay in bed half asleep, the voice of Henry Kissinger said "Your baby is dead." I'm not one to put a lot of faith in former secretary's of state speaking to me in my dreams, but it was spooky.

I realized earlier in the week that every time I go to the bathroom, I run through the contingency plan of what I will do if there is blood. What I will move around, when I will get the D&C, what I'll say on the blog, who I'll email, what I'll do about work.  Of course, I could stop myself, but it is this kind of odd calm that comes over me as I plan what to do. It's an awful sort of calm.

This morning, as I lay there, I thought "If the baby is dead, how do I face Christmas?" I'm woefully deficient in holiday spirit as it is (not a life long condition), but I can't imagine how  to do it. How to pull it together, to hold it together. Of course, I don't have to, but how much more of living can I opt out of because I'm in so much pain?  My work, which I worked so hard to get established in is limping along, my best friend (or former best friend) cut me off over something I wished she'd have worked out with me, and I can't seem to find the juice to push through and get excited about anything. Of course I have plenty of reason for all of this, but ack. It's hard. One thing I can say is that my family is as supportive as they can be, and my husband is the best, and my marriage is definitely stronger for the experience of infertility, and my cats are a constant sources of joy. BUT. I'm at a loss. If we lose this baby...what?  What. How. How do I do it again? What is left to pick up? I don't knit, I have no plan. No contingency plan for what to do next.

And maybe the baby is fine, and I'm all worked up for nothing. But I'm so scared, scared of the baby being dead, and of my own deadness that it feels too hard to hold onto the possibly that the baby is ok, and that I'm going to be ok. I've been through crappy times before, heck a lot of times before, and I will be ok again. But it feels so hard to believe in this moment.

**I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow at 2:30--Dr Calm offered it because she knows how anxious we are.

Upon further refelction, uh meaning when I'd calmed down a bit, it occured to me that my breasts haven't shrunk, but they don't hurt as much. Perhaps it is because they aren't growing right now. If it's anything like puberty,they hurt when they are growing, but not when they aren't.

Thanks for all the reassurance and sharing your stories, it really helps.

Comments

[Eva]

Sarah, hold on. I know it's hard (downright traumatic) but you have to hold on. We're routing for you. When's your next doc appointment?

[a]

I hope the baby is fine, and that your anxiety is just momentarily overwhelming. It's hard to hold on to blind hope when you have so much information about bad things that can happen. That doesn't mean that they will happen, though...

[T]

This is so hard,but I too am hoping and praying your baby is fine.

Sorry about the stuff with your friend, that kind of stress is not easy..

big hugs

[emmagilding]

Honey, call your doctor and go get checked out. They will understand your fears as everyone reading does. Please don't struggle on alone.
I'm so sorry your in such a hard place.
Thinking of you.
Eb

[After Words]

I remember that kind of terror. I completely agree with the earlier comment: call your doctor and get an ultrasound if it will make you feel better. The doctor gets requests like that all the time and will make room for you.

[Michele]

It is hard and sadly I think those thoughts haunt us throughout our pregnancies.

But I also want to send hugs and thoughts because I believe your baby is happy and healthy, growing inside.

[Sara]

It's all so hard, isn't it? I'm glad that scheduled the u/s. I hope that it gives nothing but fantastic reassuring news.

Hugs.

[lisa]

I had the same feelings at times - so many times - I had so many u/s because I was CONVINCED at so many times that they were dead. There is no easy way to get through it - but you will - and I am hopeful that you are going to get good news tomorrow.

((HUGS))

[NoodleGirl]

I am so happy you're going to get an u/s tomorrow. There's really nothing else that is going to make you feel better. I know I'll feel exactly the same as you should I get pregnant again, having experienced recurrent loss. My OB has already told me that I can have an u/s every week as long as I want one due to my "status" (yay me, not). Maybe you can ask your OB if you can set up a regularly scheduled one? Or maybe rent a Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you many P&PTs.

[Cat]

I hate this part. Glad you're getting to check in tomorrow. Hang in there.

[Jill]

I'm glad you are getting the ultra sound. No matter what happens, you will get through it. And honestly, your symptoms sound perfectly normal to me. These next several weeks are the hardest because you just don't know what is going on in there. Hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself. Your hormones are part of what is at work here, so keep breathing...

[calliope]

thinking of you nonstop. I am so effing glad you have Dr. Calm that gets it.
xo