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Sock it too Me 2009!

« A little time by the ocean | Main | The somewhat big-ish meeting with Dr Calm »

December 30, 2009


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A lovely post, and damn, I hope that you get answers, that you can get going -soon please! - on this 'have a baby' thing, and that you never, ever stop finding the funny in amidst all the horror. I'm so glad you're doing ok, and I am thrilled that you're feeling hopeful; I'm right there alongside you. Let's have us some babies this year, eh?


Hi Sarah,

I'm glad that you're not feeling too awful, and don't think that it makes much sense to second-guess yourself. You feel the way that you feel, KWIM? If you felt worse than you "should," would it be helpful to say that you shouldn't feel that way? All that you can really do is deal with the feelings as they come.

As for your choice of donors (if you end up going in that direction), I don't think that the appearance issue is superficial. Almost everybody chooses their donor to match themselves in some way (whether physically, intellectually, or temperamentally, and those that don't choose their donors for the features that they wish they themselves had. It's true that you probably don't have any more control over what your child will actually look like than anybody else, but it makes sense to at least try to choose donors that don't throw up red flags for you.

I suspect that you already know this, being wise and thoughtful as you are, but when your child is born, they will be so beautiful to you that their image permanently burns itself into your retinas and casts a glow on everything around them, regardless of how they actually look. Of course that won't make the issues of "resemblance talk" go away if you do choose to use a donor rather than your own eggs, but it will hopefully help you to cope with them when they arise. My own (genetic) child looks so little like me that I am asked at least once/month where I adopted her. And I wouldn't change any tiny little detail about her appearance given a choice.

Good luck with the meeting with Dr. Calm. I really hope that whatever she has to tell you is helpful in some way.

Good Egg Hunting

I don't know if any of this will be helpful...when I had my m/c a friend said to me that everything is helpful and nothing is helpful when you're going through it, and that made perfect sense to me. I'm glad you're doing okay, and I think that you'll probably have moments when you feel okay and moments when you don't and I think that's all totally normal. I found that the lab results were reassuring because I, too, looked to something I did as explanation of why it happened, and it let me off the hook to know there was no way I could've controlled it. So I hope the same for you. But even if you don't get results I hope you will eventually know that nothing you did -- vitamin K or anything else -- caused this. My doctor always says that nothing (besides street drug use and serious car accidents) can shake a good pregnancy. Just now I am starting to believe her.

I know just what you mean about not wanting to know the sex or think of the baby as being real. For me, that is the only way I can think about it, the only way I can tolerate it.

On the spiritual front, forgive me if you've already read it or if everyone says this but I found the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner to be a huge help -- maybe you would too.

Most of all I just wish for you peace and continued hope in the new year. I want you to be a mother too, and I truly believe in your efforts to get there, regardless of how you arrive.


You are my hero. I completely believe in the healing power of gallows humor and I actually laughed out loud when I got to that remark. You do seem to be finding your strength through this awful time. I know what you mean about not finding out the gender of the baby. I did and knowing that I lost a baby girl made the loss that much more real and painful. You are making a wise decision.

In terms of choosing a donor, we make the best choices we can based upon very limited information. You are not shallow. I am sure you would interview donors based upon personality, appearance and philanthropy if you could--- kind of like choosing Miss America. :)

By the way, this post is beautiful and it resonated with me in a way I really needed today. Thank you.


I have to say - I was not "as crushed" by my second loss as I was for my first, I was really numb but I was totally enraged by my third. The conflicting emotions then would make me feel guilty - but I learned to be okay with whatever I felt - it was right for me and I needed to feel it.

As for the donor issue and skin pigment - so odd! We had the same issue - we are fair (both blonde with blue eyes) our donor was fair with fair sisters and a fair mom but had a dad with olive skin...we took the chance. My mother has black hair and my sister has a different complexion than me so there is some genetic support on my side...

Thinking of you and I hope that 2010 does not bring the habitual aborter tag. ((HUGS))


Obviously, you are in a really tough place, and your are handling it well, probably (and unfortunately) because you've been down a similiar road before. Epstein reminds be of Harold Kushner, author of Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, who writes about the fact that God doesn't cause bad things to happen. He believes that God is really there to comfort us. I know you are not a believer and I totally respect that but I think that important point to take from all of this (if we can find an important point) is that love is all we have. It's all we can offer and all we can find comfort in when experiencing real heartbreak. So for all that it's worth, please know that you are deep in my thoughts and in my heart. xo

Oh, and what's the adoption agency? ;-)

Lisa DG

I know how you feel when the desire to be a mother to a child outweighs the need to be the genetic contributor. It didn't happen over night for me. No- it took years for me to even consider it, much less want to go that route. Now that I am beyond the decision, I can't believe I ever waited so long to choose this. I have a great therapist that I can pass on to you- she literally wrote the book on egg donation and she even does phone consults- that is, if you need someone to mull over your feelings with.

I wanted the donor to have some basic characteristics like me- similar hair, skin, eyes. I have to say, though, that the top factors I considered were the possibility of a successful cycle (so proven fertility), and that there was a good story in there that I could tell my child (I really like my donor for the kind person she is). As for you, you don't necessarily need to settle for one or the other of the women you are looking at now, unless one of them really feels right to you. This is a big decision and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of women who are egg donors today.

I guess I am saying, you don't need to settle. On the other hand, once you have your baby in your arms, skin tone or hair color won't be as important.

The other thing I was going to mention the other day was that another woman I met online shared that oversees egg donation can be another option when money is an issue. She did it and had a very good experience.

I am hoping that you don't have to turn to DE- but if you do, know that it is much better than you'd imagine.


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