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Sock it too Me 2009!

« Elaboration on "Wow" and "Clunk" | Main | Wedged between a rock and hard place »

June 26, 2009


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Yes. Yes yes yes. Thank you for talking about this. I might be there if I have to go through another cycle, and I know these are the things that are going to nag at my mind.


i'm adopted and people often tell me i look like my parents which is a genetic impossibility. nurture over nature makes up so much including resemblances in many ways. honestly, i wouldnt bring up anything about the donor. people see what they want and they will see your husband in your child, as they should, and hopefully he will too.


I think about some of this stuff too. More about how I will fit in the sperm donor into the story of W's life so that he is comfortable with it. Not sure how you are going about your donor search process- but I know most banks will do a donor match to your partner so that there is a possibility of trait resemblance. I actually sort of did a match to myself just to try and rule out any major, "wonder where your kid got that nose from?" questions.


Super hard. All the time. We are the opposite - I will tell no one except for two IRL friends - one who used DS and one who may use DE. My husband wants to tell everyone and I will not let him for a variety of reasons. Most of the time I am okay - but today I am pissed that you and I need to worry about this shit.

cat, galloping

I think about this every time someone asks where Gatito gets his red hair from-- a weekly occurrence, at least. (I'll tell you in an email what I'm DYING to say, just once!) But what would it be like if he were not our genetic child. One time a woman actually asked if we were his parents! So yes, this is definitely going to happen, particularly if the child has *any* unusual traits and you'll need to figure out a quick and light way out so you don't end up sharing your/your child's/your husband's private business with the world. I sometimes use, "It's in the genes!" Perhaps something along those lines would work for you.

Not On Fire

I have to confess that shielding our sons from the ignorant chat of others is one of the reasons that we have not told and do not plan to tell until our sons are older. The recommendation that we saw said about 8 years old. I am going to tell my sons first.

When others talk about who they look like, I respond honestly about whether or not I think that they look like Aunt Gertrude or cousin Barney. Sometimes it is a "yes", and sometimes it is a "no". I focus on what I think is my sons best interest.


That's been on my mind a lot too. I get to share a genetic connection with our child (assuming we ever get there), while DH won't. On top of that, I fear sometimes that he feels left out of the process to a great extent. I'm the one handling daily injections and visits to the RE for countless blood draws and ultrasounds. We selected a donor who, superficially, resembles DH- hair color & texture, height, eye color. But there's so much more to a baby's appearance and mannerisms. I catch myself all the time looking for resemblances in other people's children- which parent gave him those dimples? I'm afraid I'll be guilty of pointing out what our child got from me, leaving DH out in the cold. It's all so complicated.


I also worried a bit about the 'resemblance' comments and also my own bonding with my daughter although she is genetically related to me because all of the babies in my family have been blond (myself included) and because my husband is Chinese I realized that my daughter would not look like me/my sister/my cousins/my mother in baby photos (or almost anyone in our Jewish community for that matter) and might also look significantly different from me as she gets older (and I do get all sorts of questions about when I adopted her when out and about). I think that your response will have to depend on the situation, and any awkwardness will probably be shared by the person who brought it up if they did not realize that you used DS and you chose to share. My honest hope is that as mixed-race and post-IF babies become increasingly common, that these issues will be moot by the time our children are fully aware of the conversations around them.

Bee Cee

Well I suppose I have another view because of DE, so my view would be to steer clear of cutting your husband out of resemblance talks.

How many children, who are not the result of DE or DS bear no resemblance to their parents? So my view is there is no difference.

Plus, if a child was adopted would people pass off the question and respond (in front of the child) with a "no that can't be possible, he/she is adopted". I don't think so, so I don't think the same should be done to the non-genetic parent, or to me you are opening a can of worms for the child to reject the parent publicly too.

Some wise person wrote that they started thinking about 'telling anyone and everyone' and then started to think about the child. It is, after all, the childs most private information, not the parents. So if people openly tell, they are taking away the right of the child to keep that information private if they wish to when they are older. After all it's their information.

Pheww, that was a long comment - hopefully you get my drift!


Super late response but.... I come at this as a woman carrying a DE child. I think that the "DE" part of our baby is in a lot of ways similar to "adopted" (although the emotional entanglements are different) and nothing to keep a secret or to be upset about, just as I wouldn't keep it a secret that I had adopted a child. I am happy and grateful to my donor (who I do not know personally) and have no problem with the idea of raising a child who is genetically related to her. I hope/expect the kid will be like me in some ways, in part because just randomly that will happen and in part because s/he is growing up with me and will pick up mannerisms and so on. My husband is uncomfortable with the idea of telling people about the DE aspect because he thinks of it as "my" thing to tell. But I think of it all pretty matter-of-factly. I wonder about the ways the little one will resemble him, and about how s/he will resemble the donor, and that's OK by me, and I don't have a problem with conversations about it. The only thing that bothers me is worrying that I am going to freak other people out but they will get used to it with time I guess. But that's me, every family will be different.


Great Post.....

I found your site on stumbleupon and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

Thanks for sharing....

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