From the title, you probably assume that this post is going to be about when to stop banging my head against this particular wall. And it might be, but this song has been going through my head for the last few hours, so I decided to unload this particular earwig on a post and see if it would cease and desist.
And yet, it seems meaningful.
On Tuesday husband finally got freaked out about using donor sperm. It was sort of a relief. I was feeling like the biggest freak on the planet for all the crazy, painful thoughts I've had about egg donation, and he seemed to be sailing through just fine. So on Tuesday he said that he needed to reserve the right to not be ok with doing an DS IUI this month. That made sense to me, but also made me quite anxious. As you can imagine, checking for an LH surge every morning, and anticipating a soul searching discussion in the midst of flying out the door for an ultrasound and perhaps a trigger shot was pretty anxiety provoking. On Thursday I said "How about if we just don't do it this month." And I saw all the muscles relax in his body. I had the sense that he wanted to say he wasn't ready, but felt conflicted about it, and wanting to please me he was holding out the hope that when presented with the real option he'd be able to do it. He wants to feel, going into any type of cycle (IUI or IVF) that if we got a positive, he'd be more happy than sad. That makes sense to me, and for our possible children, I want that too. I felt a sense of relief for about 12 hours, and then the sadness set in.
This is a temporary move, and I'm pretty confident that we'll do the IUI next month, and then possibly our real last IVF with my eggs and donor sperm in July, but I think that any month that passes with no possibility of getting pregnant makes me sad.
Additionally, my friend, who is pregnant with identical twins will probably deliver in the next few days. She is getting excited, and part of me is excited as well, but another part of me is feeling really sad. Sad about being on the outside once again. Sad about not knowing what the next step will bring; sad about having so many new decisions to make, when 2 months ago, it seemed that the path was clear--rock strewn, but clear. Sad about the reality that even if the IUI works, or the next IVF works, that my husband and I will be grieving in the midst of happiness. So maybe that is the meaning of wanting to "get off." Ugh. I'm just really feeling the sadness of this situation. It wouldn't be solved by doing an IUI, it wouldn't' be solved by doing and IVF or starting the adoption process. It just stands alone right now.
In other baby news, I just became an aunt again. My brother, who is 55 (I think), and his girlfriend/fiancée just had a baby last night, a little girl. I want to be unabashedly happy for him. Heck I'd settle for not seething with jealousy, but I don't feel any of these things. I just feel sad and left out.
I don't want to be this sad sack. I don't want to be this jealous hag. And yet I am.
I feel so badly for my husband. I wish I could go through this for him--I wish that all of the grieving I've done over the last 6 months could magically be transferred to him, and he wouldn't have to wade through this. But he does. And it kills me that we both have to wade through so much on our way parenthood. No matter how we build our family, there is grief involved, and that is a fact. If we'd started from a different point, or had different needs, this story might be different, but it it isn't. This is our process, and some days it blows.
I'm going to try to paint the doors in our hallway, and get some sense of forward movement that doesn't involve my reproductive tract.
Your post really touched me. You are really sweet and really patient - your love for your husband really shone through.
I feel terrible during the months we are not actively trying...I hate how my moods are directly tied into TTC action.
I hope that the time passes quickly with much healing and love. Also, maybe your dh should check out blogs written by men who are DS dads, here is one http://di-dad.blogspot.com/
Posted by: meinsideout | May 17, 2009 at 04:36 AM
I'm coming at this from a completely different place, but I wanted you to know that I identify with the jealousy described in this post. Like you, I really, really don't want to be jealous. But I am.
Posted by: niobe | May 18, 2009 at 05:26 AM
Thank you for writing about this. Feeling sad and left out is exactly how it seems. I don't get angry, I don't feel jealousy. Just sometimes sad and empty...then I pick myself up and try to look forward to having a family, however it comes.
Posted by: Tia | May 19, 2009 at 01:26 AM
I think it's hard not to feel jealous sometimes. You have every right to.
Posted by: Eva | May 19, 2009 at 09:40 AM
You are so sweet! I don't deserve you!
Posted by: sara | May 20, 2009 at 10:11 AM
I'm sorry I didn't comment when I first read this. I didn't realize that until I came back to check for updates.
I am so very sorry that the two of you are going through this. I remember when we found out we had MFI and it just gutted my husband. I think it is good to wait a month and give him a chance to catch up a bit.
"grieving in the midst of happiness" - I think that was true for us. I'm ok with that though. Maybe I should have processed it longer, but I am also glad we have our Little Butterfly now and we are no longer waiting to see what will work and when.
Peace and happiness to both of you.
Posted by: Kami | May 20, 2009 at 10:51 AM