Dreams and False Alarms

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I can't really post today. I have some posts brewing, but they all require me to really engage with my thoughts and feelings, and I just can't do that today. I blame my therapist--she took two weeks off and I don't have any room to move in here.  Oy.

Sneak Preview:

-Being depressed is, depressing.

-All the donors I've viewed are all wrong, because they aren't me. It turns out I think I 'm perfect. Ha!

-It feels like I have a terminal disease and I'm trying to find a replacement wife for my husband. Ick.

-I would have never qualified to be  a donor--I'm too crazy.

-Thank god I am not trying to adopt (at this point), again, I'm probably too crazy to get picked by a birth mother.

Please bear with me, and check back soon. I promise to write a real post.

Fertility Revisted

There are times when I wonder why I do this. I wonder why it is so important to write this all down, and some times I fear what my future children will actually make of all of this, especially if they come to us by way of an egg donor. Sometimes, at my worst, angriest, ugliest I wish I'd kept this blog secret from people in real life so I could just pour out all that ugly and not worry about hurting anyone. But on Friday, I had one of those moments when I knew for sure that part of the reason I do this, the way I do this,  is that even if it hadn't been so hard for us, I would have had trouble holding onto the deep hope and happiness that should accompany creating a child.

My enormously special friend Kate, (who will soon be enormous with identical twins! Oh my!) left this comment on my last post.  When I read it, I just fell right into her vision for me, and it was one of the most beautiful moments I've had in this whole 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant. I'm selfishly hoping she will blog her pregnancy, and if she does, I'll link to her blog. Aside from everything else, she is a gifted writer.

"I get the whole disconnection-from-a-non-bio-child fear; I think it's natural, especially when it comes along with the required shift in your plan for your life-- it's a lot to take on and the negative aspects, real or imagined, seem to speak louder during those times.

However, I have always known that you would love your child completely because it would be your child, no matter how that child comes to be. In fact, a hard-won child only stands to be that much more precious to you for all you went through to find her.

Skip over the next part in your mind for a second and imagine the moment when you know, for real, no kidding, no chance of a surprise reversal, that you are going to be a mother. A baby is placed in your arms, and she is yours. I bet you a million dollars (I'd bet more, but with the economy the way it is...) that in that moment, all your fears will fly out the window (replaced by new ones, I'm sure, like college funds and sniffles and dust mites... um, okay, I'll stop freaking you out anew), and you will just be in love with your precious baby, your very own, and you'll feel closer to her than you thought possible, no matter how she came to you.

Because of how she came to you.

All of that will simply be part of the new, as-yet-unwritten story of how you became a family."

Amen.

I had the most wonderful dream that night.  I dreamed we went in to see Dr Hyper for our IVF follow up, and she said "Well, this is very surprising, even though all the embryo's died, you arepregnant." I was so happy. The dream was so blissful.  Before I woke up fully I realized that it was a dream, but even that didn't dim how happy I've felt. I can only imagine that it was because it was about being fertile--not in an eggy way, but as a person.  That has been so hard for me to know at all, even before TTC/IVF/ETC (a new procedure involving having the kitchen sink dumped in your uterus...) I have struggled with my sense of creativity and fertility as a person.

Karen, formerly of the naked ovary, now of Cheek, posted this on her blog after she returned from China with her oldest daughter:

"And I find out, once home, that I am so very, very fertile. Even as my cycle gets more and more wacked out, even as people around me are still falling pregnant and pushing strollers with newborns--and giving us a double take--I find that I have never felt more fertile. Yesterday MP and I took our first bath together, and as we splashed in the water, I knew that I could never love a child more than this child. This particular child. Fertile has at its root meaning the ability to give life, and if you come to our house right now, you will see life everywhere, blooming in the giggles of our child, the way Random looks at her, the way she scrunches up her face and eyes and then lets out a contented sigh. I wish I had known all along that it could be this sweet. Everything I worried about is nothing when she looks up at us and smiles, our own lovely daughter."

 

So, that is where I am working to sit these days; letting others hold on to and show me my fertility and to believe in my fertility--my ability to give life to a child.

Oh right, I said I'd update

Well, today is Friday, and we met with Dr Calm on Tuesday, and I just am not quite sure what to say.

She was shocked to see us--when we talked in the am, she'd said come in before Xmas, and when we talked to scheduling, that was her only appointment, so there we sat.

She said, basically that it is most likely that my ovaries are aging, and not putting out many (and at the last cycle, not any) good eggs. That isn't to say that we couldn't get pregnant with another IVF, but that it is time to think about egg donation. We were expecting that.

We talked about what we'd read on the SIRM website, and how it related to my situation. Essentially, the protocol that Cat, of Galloping Cats, is on would work in part for me, but not in totality. I am easily over suppressed, so a long lupron protocol, including BCP's won't work.  As far as I know they are adding dexamethosone, which has shown to help with poor responders (here is more about that), and I'm taking DHEA for the next two months which is also supposed to help with creating more estrogen and thus more FSH receptor sites on the ovaries. I hope so. I hate taking Adrenal products. Beasty bits I call them. Also, she is reducing my menopur down to 75IU's to decrease the amount of LH that is in my system, because that can cause the ovum selection process to happen too early, decreasing the amount of eggs that mature. She is also considering lowering my Gonal F dose back to 300 a day, with the thought that too much GF might have caused the ovaries to shut down a bit.

Essentially, poor responders are right on the edge of what Reproductive Endocrinology knows. Also, because of the Restrictions at the Federal level on reproductive medicine, a lot of what is floating around out there is from small studies, and some of them not very well controlled or reported. It seems like the big issues is that they have some ideas about how to get the ovaries to respond better-ish, but not to increase pregnancy rates. I know, you are going to point me to some one some where who says otherwise, but this is my story, and I'm sticking too it.

So as far as I can piece together the plan is this:

Start(ed) DHEA 2 months prior to IVF (Dec 16th)

Wait a cycle, just do what comes naturally (like eat etc)

Have my period, test for ovulation, call my lovely nurse and get day to start the estrogen priming, and maybe the dexamethosone?

Get my period and then start the extravaganza of needles.

I think this is right.

My calculation is that I will have taken DHEA for 60 days by the time I get my second period of 2009.

Now onto the Donor Egg Portion of our post:

Last week, when the cycle was clearly crashing, my husband finally said out loud that donor eggs are a real possibility for us. As you know, I've been processing this for a while, but he has been much more single minded about the IVF with my eggs until now. Lordy it was a relief. I feel sad to see him have to cope with this, because it is bad enough if I'm just being a Cassandra and predicting doom, but if he's truly entertaining it, it is real. ya know?

I have some deeper thoughts about existentialism and other stuff, but for the moment I want to talk about a funny about face I've done inside of myself.

On Tuesday, I had therapy and talked about my fears about being disconnected and distant from a donor egg baby, and my therapist pointed out some sage things (which I will share later), and then told me a story about a person she knew who adopted and said "Now I worry if I could love genetic child as much as I love this one!"  And I thought "that sounds nice, but really, that will never happen to me!" and then a few hours later, after we were returning from Dr Calm's office, my husband started talking about the IVF with my eggs and I realized I had already gotten attached to my donor egg baby (who is alive and kicking in my mind), and a genetic baby seemed to pale in comparison!  I guess there is hope for me yet.

I've been slowly coming to life. I was sort of out of it on Wednesday morning,and I talked my mom into going shopping with me. I got a faboo new coat and a couple of sweaters, all at a deep discount. Yesterday I had a very full day at work, which went a long way to reminding me that I'm more than my ageing ovaries. 

Arrested Development

Ugh. If only it were that funny.

I guess I'll need to go see my an.alrapist.

The two that were growing arrested at 4 and 5 cells respectively.

I know it isn't very motherly of me, but I am relieved. If we did make it to a transfer, it would have ended in a negative, and I'd rather just get it over with outside of my body, and without anymore doxycyline or progesterone in oil.

All I my dreams are about egg donation, and husband has finally admitted that it is a distinct possibility that that will our route. Lets hope that crap shoot works.

We're meeting with Dr Calm today, because we need to meet with her before Xmas, and this is her only free time, so today it is. Actually, even though it's a spanner in my husbands calender, I'm relieved that we don't have to wait. I hate waiting, and in so many ways, the only way to cope with this clusterfuck called infertility is to have a plan.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, and all of your support. I can't imagine going through this without all of you.

and the torture continues

Now, please don't' get excited. This isn't particularly good news. Embryos that divide this slowly are usually harboring multiple chromosomal issues. 

So:

One embryo is totally arrested.

One that is 5 cells.

One that is 4 cells.

She'll call tomorrow, and update us on the progress. We'll hopefully meet with her soon, and I may start taking DHEA, which will either improve my egg quality, or give me a bald spot and really lush beard.

And then there was one

Ok, so one of them took pity on us in the last 24 hours and saw fit to divide into 4 cells. That is really not great, but it means we keep it in the medium and see what it is doing tomorrow. We even get a special report because normal 4 day embryos look like undifferentiated blobs, but given the laggardness of this entity, we do want to know if it progressed beyond today's 4 cells.

Although this is sort of nice, ti is also really confusing. It's hard to know which set of feelings to go with: the faint hope it might turn into something to transfer, or the wish that it stalls and this cluster-fuck can just be over.

Today I am going to make some yummy cookies, go Christmas shopping in the rain with my husband, and keep one foot going in front of the other.

Well, I guess I won't have to worry about a negative beta ruining christmas...

Looks like my cycle has tanked. The embryos didn't divide between yesterday and today, so it would be really unlikely I transfer at all tomorrow. All of the sudden I'm a high FSH, low responder with crap eggs. Yeesh. Let this be a warning:

IF YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES, AND YOU ARE JOCKEYING ABOUT ONE MONTH OR ANOTHER TO 'START' SHUT UP AND GET BUSY. WHEN YOUR OVARIES GO, THEY GO. YA HEAR ME?

Whew. Glad to get that off my chest. Trust me, an inconvenient pregnancy is better than never, ever having one at all. M'kay?

So, we'll probably get the no go call tomorrow around 8am, and then we start planning for the last cycle. We'll probably do the low responder protocol (priming with estrogen etc), and if that doesn't work, oy. We'll be on to plan C (as IVF was plan B).

I feel...surprised? Sad? Angry, but not rageful. A little lost, but not a wreck.

Fertilzation Report

Of the 5 retrieved, 3 fertilized,and there were no reported 'anolmolies'.

My husband is terrified that I'll dislodge my wiggly right ovary, so I'm going to stay on modified bed rest today, and then tomorrow I'm going to resume my fitness regime with the eastern European extreme weight lifters! Just kidding!

3 was what I expected, and it is nice to have one's low expectations met.  My husband is so dispirited,so much more than in previous cycles. Its like we've switched positions.  It's not as if I have some sort of manic faith that this will work. I don't. And I imagine that the two week wait, and the Christmas day beta are gonna be extremely tough. But I don't know why, but for lack of a better word, I am not all fucked up about this cycle like I have been in the past--even when the odds were better!

I am not above magical thinking,and I wonder if part of my freak outs was a magical belief that if I was hopeful, it would definitely not happen. Over the course of the last month, I've been making better friends with reality.  I am grieving and will continue to grieve the end of this chapter, if it is an end (after our next IVF), but for right now, today, I can be in this moment of feeling like 3 out of 5 isn't too bad, we'll probably have something to transfer on day 3 no matter what, and I will feel differently when I feel differently. I cannot worry (as in rub over and over), myself pregnant.

I am going to start a new section of blogs I read--I've been delving into the Donor Egg Blogs, really trying to find someone who is at the same stage of the process as I am, and is digging through the key-rap that comes up in my mind. Any suggestions? I feel like some of my thoughts and fears are odd, even thought they are captured in this book "Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates, answering tough questions and building strong families."  But most people are already in the pregnant phase, or mention in passing (it seems to me) , the relational impact (with themselves, with partners, with the children) of the decision.

Also, I'm wondering if I should try to lose some weight before our last IVF (with my eggs).  I know it doesn't necessarily make much of a difference, and it won't bring back antral follicles that have shut down, but I am wondering how it all affects estrogen processing. Physically, I am like a German sports car: when I in nearly perfect running order, I really purr, but when one thing goes wrong, the wheels don't turn.  When I started TTC I was 144 (a weird place to stick, but I'd been there for nearly 5 years), after about 6 months of fruitless TTC, I was up 5 lbs. At our first (successful) IVF I was up about another 5 lbs. Now I'm up another 5 lbs. I don't think it's the hormones--its the depression and the eating.  So if I were to lose weight, and I've gotten on this bandwagon before and fallen off, it would have to be because it felt like I was doing it to give my body the best chance at performing. Also, I would like it if my thighs didn't rub quite so voluptuously.  We'll see. My BMI is 26, not too far off from healthy.  Mostly I need to not make manic choices in the belief that they will guarantee a result. That is a rabbit hole I need to avoid.

I'll make sure my husband posts a picture and an update on Sunday. But it might be more gloomy than his past posts.

Retrieval update

We got all 5 eggs, and the swimmers are looking good. So here is hoping we beat the odds and actully ahve something to transfer. Dr Calm did the retrieval (first non emergency or sad procedure she's done for us),and said "that right ovary really moves around."

So I'm going to take it really easy tomorrow, and hope it de-swells and settles in.

I'll update with the fertilization report tomorrow.

First PIO is in the hip. The first is the best, no feeling around to avoid a sore spot.

Retrieval today

Ugh. I'm kinda nauseated. I had to ask for a late trigger time so that I could be done with work (I work late on Tuesday's), but that means I have to sit around from wake up time until the surgery with nothing in my stomach. 

Also, the only part of the whole thing that wigs me out is getting the IV in my hand. You'd think the needle and wall of my hooha would be more upsetting, but no.

See you on the flip.