Dreams and False Alarms: Fertilzation Report

Fertilzation Report

Of the 5 retrieved, 3 fertilized,and there were no reported 'anolmolies'.

My husband is terrified that I'll dislodge my wiggly right ovary, so I'm going to stay on modified bed rest today, and then tomorrow I'm going to resume my fitness regime with the eastern European extreme weight lifters! Just kidding!

3 was what I expected, and it is nice to have one's low expectations met. My husband is so dispirited,so much more than in previous cycles. Its like we've switched positions. It's not as if I have some sort of manic faith that this will work. I don't. And I imagine that the two week wait, and the Christmas day beta are gonna be extremely tough. But I don't know why, but for lack of a better word, I am not all fucked up about this cycle like I have been in the past--even when the odds were better!

I am not above magical thinking,and I wonder if part of my freak outs was a magical belief that if I was hopeful, it would definitely not happen. Over the course of the last month, I've been making better friends with reality. I am grieving and will continue to grieve the end of this chapter, if it is an end (after our next IVF), but for right now, today, I can be in this moment of feeling like 3 out of 5 isn't too bad, we'll probably have something to transfer on day 3 no matter what, and I will feel differently when I feel differently. I cannot worry (as in rub over and over), myself pregnant.

I am going to start a new section of blogs I read--I've been delving into the Donor Egg Blogs, really trying to find someone who is at the same stage of the process as I am, and is digging through the key-rap that comes up in my mind. Any suggestions? I feel like some of my thoughts and fears are odd, even thought they are captured in this book "Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates, answering tough questions and building strong families." But most people are already in the pregnant phase, or mention in passing (it seems to me) , the relational impact (with themselves, with partners, with the children) of the decision.

Also, I'm wondering if I should try to lose some weight before our last IVF (with my eggs). I know it doesn't necessarily make much of a difference, and it won't bring back antral follicles that have shut down, but I am wondering how it all affects estrogen processing. Physically, I am like a German sports car: when I in nearly perfect running order, I really purr, but when one thing goes wrong, the wheels don't turn. When I started TTC I was 144 (a weird place to stick, but I'd been there for nearly 5 years), after about 6 months of fruitless TTC, I was up 5 lbs. At our first (successful) IVF I was up about another 5 lbs. Now I'm up another 5 lbs. I don't think it's the hormones--its the depression and the eating. So if I were to lose weight, and I've gotten on this bandwagon before and fallen off, it would have to be because it felt like I was doing it to give my body the best chance at performing. Also, I would like it if my thighs didn't rub quite so voluptuously. We'll see. My BMI is 26, not too far off from healthy. Mostly I need to not make manic choices in the belief that they will guarantee a result. That is a rabbit hole I need to avoid.

I'll make sure my husband posts a picture and an update on Sunday. But it might be more gloomy than his past posts.

Posted at 09:19 AM in IVF #4-ish | Permalink