Fertility Revisted

There are times when I wonder why I do this. I wonder why it is so important to write this all down, and some times I fear what my future children will actually make of all of this, especially if they come to us by way of an egg donor. Sometimes, at my worst, angriest, ugliest I wish I'd kept this blog secret from people in real life so I could just pour out all that ugly and not worry about hurting anyone. But on Friday, I had one of those moments when I knew for sure that part of the reason I do this, the way I do this,  is that even if it hadn't been so hard for us, I would have had trouble holding onto the deep hope and happiness that should accompany creating a child.

My enormously special friend Kate, (who will soon be enormous with identical twins! Oh my!) left this comment on my last post.  When I read it, I just fell right into her vision for me, and it was one of the most beautiful moments I've had in this whole 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant. I'm selfishly hoping she will blog her pregnancy, and if she does, I'll link to her blog. Aside from everything else, she is a gifted writer.

"I get the whole disconnection-from-a-non-bio-child fear; I think it's natural, especially when it comes along with the required shift in your plan for your life-- it's a lot to take on and the negative aspects, real or imagined, seem to speak louder during those times.

However, I have always known that you would love your child completely because it would be your child, no matter how that child comes to be. In fact, a hard-won child only stands to be that much more precious to you for all you went through to find her.

Skip over the next part in your mind for a second and imagine the moment when you know, for real, no kidding, no chance of a surprise reversal, that you are going to be a mother. A baby is placed in your arms, and she is yours. I bet you a million dollars (I'd bet more, but with the economy the way it is...) that in that moment, all your fears will fly out the window (replaced by new ones, I'm sure, like college funds and sniffles and dust mites... um, okay, I'll stop freaking you out anew), and you will just be in love with your precious baby, your very own, and you'll feel closer to her than you thought possible, no matter how she came to you.

Because of how she came to you.

All of that will simply be part of the new, as-yet-unwritten story of how you became a family."

Amen.

I had the most wonderful dream that night.  I dreamed we went in to see Dr Hyper for our IVF follow up, and she said "Well, this is very surprising, even though all the embryo's died, you arepregnant." I was so happy. The dream was so blissful.  Before I woke up fully I realized that it was a dream, but even that didn't dim how happy I've felt. I can only imagine that it was because it was about being fertile--not in an eggy way, but as a person.  That has been so hard for me to know at all, even before TTC/IVF/ETC (a new procedure involving having the kitchen sink dumped in your uterus...) I have struggled with my sense of creativity and fertility as a person.

Karen, formerly of the naked ovary, now of Cheek, posted this on her blog after she returned from China with her oldest daughter:

"And I find out, once home, that I am so very, very fertile. Even as my cycle gets more and more wacked out, even as people around me are still falling pregnant and pushing strollers with newborns--and giving us a double take--I find that I have never felt more fertile. Yesterday MP and I took our first bath together, and as we splashed in the water, I knew that I could never love a child more than this child. This particular child. Fertile has at its root meaning the ability to give life, and if you come to our house right now, you will see life everywhere, blooming in the giggles of our child, the way Random looks at her, the way she scrunches up her face and eyes and then lets out a contented sigh. I wish I had known all along that it could be this sweet. Everything I worried about is nothing when she looks up at us and smiles, our own lovely daughter."

 

So, that is where I am working to sit these days; letting others hold on to and show me my fertility and to believe in my fertility--my ability to give life to a child.

Comments

[Baby Smiling In Back Seat]

What a beautiful post. Your friend is very wise, and it is wonderful to see her wisdom bringing you insight and peace.

The very best to you in getting your child, however that may come about.

[cat, galloping]

I do think that you will love the child you get, however he or she comes to you. I'm glad you're feeling better about the possibility of DE.

I can't believe I didn't know that Karen has been back for over a year! I sometimes have wondered about her and now it seems like everyone knew she was blogging again except me. Hrumph. But thanks for the link. Next thing someone will tell me that getupgrrl never left, either.

BTW, if you are interested in getting another take on your protocol, the SIRM doctors will do a free phone consult. I'm sure your doctor is great and I hated when people questioned my protocol whilst I was in the midst of it, but since you are in between cycles, I can't help myself.

[Rachel]

I just opened your blog and I am so, so sorry about this past cycle. But I found your post today incredibly beautiful. I am so glad that you are so positive about bonding and loving a child - no matter how he or she comes into your life. And I am absolutely certain you will be able to love and parent a child no matter how they arrive at your home.

[Eva]

Awesome. Thanks for sharing!

[bakum]

SARAH'S BACK BABY! Yee-haw!

-mb

[sara]

I think what you said is so true, one of the hardest things to feel is that after all the disappointments of infertility that it might just be possible to have a child one day. It's scary to think that we might still be able to feel and experience this when the journey along the way is filled with so much hurt and disappointment. I remember writing that my prefered feeling during our IUIs and IVF was to feel numb instead of hopeful. That's because to feel hopeful opened me up to so much hurt. I wish I could give you a big hug!

[Lisa Dana G]

I so appreciate your thoughts here. I found you through the Stirrup Queen blog. I am trying to decide about donor eggs myself. After close to 4 years of trying every which way (including getting pregnant and losing my daughter in the second trimester), I know I want to be a mother and that may be so much more important than anything else. As another woman put it, your perspective changes when you have your back up against the wall.

[duck]

Lovely post and so true.