Last weekend my husband and I spent a few days with his cousin and her husband. They are a very fun couple, very different from us, but easy to be around, and lots of good fun was had by all. They are about 10 years younger than us and have been casually trying to get pregnant for the last 9 months. They are not infertile. By that I mean, they aren't scared, they aren't shying away from baby talk to protect themselves from the pain of not getting pregnant. Granted, they haven't been trying super consistently (they've used OPK's some months), but there was a quality of hope and pleasure about getting pregnant that my husband and I have rarely shared.
A big reason for this isn't just the infertility issues. It was also a matter of timing. Everyone whose known me for the last 15 years has know that getting pregnant, and being a mother/parent were important to me. I often spent a lot of time day dreaming about my future children, and once it became clear that my boyfriend would become my husband, I tried to involve him in these plans and fantasies. On one hand he wasn't ready, and on the other, there is a style difference: I get excited about vacation when were planning it, he gets excited when were packing. The same thing happened when it came time to TTC.
So the time finally arrived to start trying to get pregnant, and I was 12 kinds of crazy. It is really sad actually--he was excited, and hopeful and enjoying the idea of getting me pregnant, and I was acting weird. I don't quite remember all the weirdness, but we worked it out, and it was exciting for about 3 months. During that time I had the mind-fuck cycles, and then after that, I sort of lost my mind. No, I really did. It sucked. The spring and summer were hard, trying to be hopeful, being dutiful about monitoring everything, and always having it together to have sex at the right time. We did it, and there were some really good times, some good laughs, but there was also a pressure. Especially as September drew near, which marked one year of trying with no results. We started clom.id, did the IUI's, and still nothing. Again, in so many ways our relationship was richer and closer in ways it wasn't before. But what was missing was the innocence. The sweet innocence of planning,and wishing and imagining our baby in cute little shoes, or wearing that outfit, or just resting in our arms.
What I saw this weekend was so sweet, and I so want it for us, but whatever way we do come together around a baby, it won't be from a place of innocence.
So what does the title mean? I was thinking about trauma, and that not everyone who experiences a traumatic event is traumatized. The degree to which one's coping is overwhelmed, or a sense of helplessness in the face of the event determines if one is traumatized. Maybe there is a parallel to infertility. At this point, and from a very early point my coping was overwhelmed, and I felt helpless to get pregnant. I wish I hadn't been so damn accurate, but some of that was the mindset I came into it with. My husband's cousin is young, and hasn't really tried too hard, and she doesn't feel helpless. So hopefully she won't ever come to this point, hopefully she gets to remain innocent.