So here is a new problem: it is day 12, and I haven't had my LH surge yet. Except the months when I was on clomid, I averaged an LH surge on day 10. So I'm a little freaked out. A lot freaked out, actually. For the most part I haven't had the feeling of my body failing me, but at the moment I feel on edge about whether or not this damn cycle (in may), is going to happen. We have one year from when we signed our Shared Risk plan, to use the cycles, and every month we don't cycle is agony on the one hand and chipping away at time on the other. We are going to talk to Dr Calm today, just to clarify some things about the protocol, and to consider whether to go ahead with this next cycle if the LH surge ever shows up, or to wait for another cycle.
It occurred to me this morning that one of the costs of globalization,for me, is despair. I am a Morn.ing Edi.tion/Al.l Thin.gs Consid.ered junkie, but because of the state of the world, and the state of me, I just feel so much despair about the pine trees dying in Canada, and the cobalt miners in Congo, and anything to do with Ice Sheets. I remember when I was small my family watched All in the Family. When Gloria and Mike were planning to get pregnant, or were pregnant, Mike (AKA Meathead) was on a rant about bringing a child into 'this world'. I feel like that to some degree, but on a more immediate basis, I wonder about myself; can I bear to be in this world? Clearly this is the depression talking,and I need to turn off the radio. I hate feeling this numb and yet I am clearly so vulnerable and fragile.
I've been reeling from reading Kateri's birth mother posts. Lordy, she feels just as I imagine I would if I were a birth mother, but the likelihood I will be the adoptive mother is much higher at this point (hey, that is something I can say with certainly!). I really got myself into a frenzy this weekend, feeling as if adopting was bad and wrong and violent. Violent was the word that kept circling in my head. I felt that if my desire to be a mother has to be built on the violence of ripping a child away from a mother, then maybe I just don't deserve to be a mother. I felt overwhelmed by how awful it is to have a desire and not be able to satisfy it myself (even with IVF), and that if I couldn't I should just go a way and die. Yep. That is where I went. I don't mean suicide, but more of a psychic death; I would roll myself up and go away. I can't imagine the desire to be a mother would ever leave me, so I would just be a damaged husk of a person, wrapped around my grief. It is as if when I am in the presence of someone else's loss, my gain feel sinister and sadistic. It is too much to bear being both a loser and a sadist. I know that there is more to adoption than this, and I know that cutting the birth mother from consciousness is the dominant discourse because it protects the adoptive family. I also understand that open adoption is a way to open up that discourse and shift so that everyone's losses are taken into account. But inside of me, the feeling that I could be committing a act of violence is hard to shake.
So here i sit with my quite ovaires, my desire, and not a damn thing I can do but pee on sticks and cry.