Dreams and False Alarms

The narrows

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from our lovely IVF nurse who said that she didn't have much information, but they did want to schedule me for a 3 day transfer. The feeling I had inside was a clunk.  It felt like the time my friends and I were slowly driving down an unfamiliar street in New England and her tie rod broke. The car just went 'clunk' and sank on one corner.  That is how I felt when I heard that news yesterday. My husband had to talk to the doctor because I was with a client. The news wasn't as terrible as I feared, but not as good as I wished for.

It seems that the Wednesday morning check of the emby's revealed that they were growing a bit slowly, but that they were, for the most part grade 1.  They told us they'd call this morning and confirm if we were going to go ahead with the 3 day transfer or wait for day 5. Painfully enough, the news this morning was inconclusive. There were 4 that had picked up the pace, and some that had a lot of cells, but were not as high quality.  Dr Calm consulted with the embryologist and called back to say that were pushing through to day 5.  Ack.  I just really wanted to have less angst, but alas, that is not to be my lot, eh?

My husband took full responsibility for the late growing style of the embryo's: he said it was his genes influencing them to think they could get one more thing done before they divided again. Sweet man.

The plan for now is to do the transfer on Day 5 (or 6 if they aren't fully blastocysts).  I just hope we don't lose all of them. Oy.  In a way it is a huge relief to have this going on outside of my body. The mystery aspect of all of this was killing me slowly.

PIO 1 not so bad, PIO 2 not my favorite

I ahve been dreading pro.jesterone in oil (PIO) shots since I happened upon the intricicies of IVF. Essentially, your partern, or good friend if you doing it alone, puts a big honkin needle in your tender hip flesh and tries not to hit your sciatic nerve.  My dear husand did his first PIO on Monday night,and it was a raging sucess, no sensation at any point.  I felt like I was home free.  PIO on Tuesday, not so much. It didn't hurt, but he got sort of flumoxed with the hand swapping (strech skin, insert needle, pull back on  plunger to check for blood etc), and things were a little more uncomfortable afterward. Still it wasn't too bad during, but there has been a constant mild ache in my hip and leg.  On the whole, not too bad, but I'm hoping to have Monday nights experience all over again, because tonight is lefty's turn (left hip that is).

Wouldn't it be nice if they gave you daily emby updates?  I know that there might not be much to report, but an emby cam with embryologist commentary (encouraging commentary) would be really nice.

That's more like it: part deux

The egg retrieval was yesterday morning at 8am.  We were running late, in my opinion, which means we slammed into the parking lot at 7:14am. Ahem. I dislike being late. Husband dear, has a different impression of what 'late' means.  We got there, I put on the funny paper gown, with heating vents built in (want that for the couch, thankyouverymuch), and then they put the IV in my arm, lay me on the funny table, and then I went sleepy bye.  When I woke up I just wanted to go back to sleep. Anesthetized sleep is so delicious.  I woke up fully, felt a little shaky, drank some apple juice and then got the exciting news: 17 eggs retrieved, none looked like raisins.  What I figured out from that was that more than the 10 I'd been counting on might be mature. WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOO. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon drifting on the couch, eating chicken soup and slugging down gator.aid.    The pain got worse throughout the afternoon, but ty.lenol was enough to keep it at bay.  The dreaded PIO shot loomed at 9pm, but I swear I didn't feel a thing.  It probably helps that our house is pretty warm so the oil wasn't thick, and my husband pused the plunger down really slowly. Hopefully they won't get worse.

We just got the call that 14 out of the 17 eggs fertilized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you tell I'm excited? I know that it doesn't guarantee that they'll all make it to blast stage, or that any transferred will implant, but the lingering fear, the only thing we haven't been able to know much about was my eggs.  So this feels like a huge relief. We're taking it one procedure at a time over here.  Preparing ourselves for whatever reality dishes up, but at least we feel optimistic.  Whew.

Why did I eat a burrito?

I triggered last night in a restaurant bathroom at precisely 8pm.   I have a tiny purple bruise to mark the spot.  My belly was inflating and deflating for about an hour afterward, probably just a coincidence, but odd. My husband looked over at me in my pseudo maternity dress, and was a bit freaked out at the size of my belly.  Anyhoo, today it is actually a little less distended, but much more painful to walk around, bend, be driven over potholes and the like. 

I sat very still for an hour and half at my mother's for a brunch, and then came home and laid on the couch from 12 to 6.  The brunch was heavy on sugar, so I sent my husband out for burritos. I was not sure that this was a good idea, in fact, I changed my order to enchiladas at one point, but the creamy comfort of a burriot was calling to me. However, the resulting gastric expression is not particularly well suited to the swollen state of my ovaries. Yet my tummy is happy and my blood sugar is stabilized.

This is the day I've been dreading the most. I have this horrible fear that I will ovulate before the retrieval and all will be lost. My doctor said that is the most common pre-retrieval nightmare.  So at least I'm average, but I will feel much better when I find out that there were some eggs in those follicles.

I may be able to post tomorrow, but I'm not sure.

Follicles =10 Lining=still slender

I suppose I should have been more specific: hell bent for egg retrieval and a nice cushy lining.

The est.race hasn't plumped up the lining yet, but the extra day of stims did push the 14's into the mature group.  There are actually 11 mature, but I think the big one (21 yesterday 25 today) will be post mature. But honestly, whose gonna complain about the chance of there being 10 eggs? 

I'm going to ask the doctor if I can put the estr.ace by cooch instead of by the mouth.  Even if it isn't statistically better, it would make me feel like I was doing more.

Smart money is on triggering tonight, writhing in agony tomorrow, and retrieval on Monday.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off to stock up on movies, dumb novels and a dress to wear to a party tonight that doesn't impinge on my tender waist.  Oh, in other news, I went to get a bigger bra yesterday: 34G.  Yeah, that is a really ridiculous size. I don't look like what I'd expect a G to look like,but it is the equivalent of a 36 DD which doesn't sound quite so daunting, or silly.

One more day with the needles...oy

All systems are go. Things are still moving along nicely.E2 at 3120, lining at 6.7. They had me start the estr.ace today, just to plump up the old lineroo.  Eggies: One at 21, 3 between 16 & 20, and 4 at 14. Dr. Hyper (Dr Calm is at her daughter's college graduation! Sigh) wants to see if we can make the most of the 14's.   So, one more day with the needles. 2 more days with wanding, and the retrieval will most likely be monday.

Still cookin'

Things are still looking good:
8 eggs solidly on the road to retrieval (2 18's a 17 and 15's galore).  Two more eggs that might catch up.  My lining is at 6.6 (up from 6.2 yesterday), so they may need to pump me up with a bit more estr.ace, but it doesn't have to be at 8 until the transfer, so I'm not allowing myself to freak out just yet.  E2 level is unknown,but hopefully it's still climbing, but not to a bad place.  WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! We might actually get to egg retrieval.  Hot damn.

That's more like it!

When I started TTC I felt both afraid of being infertile and convinced of being fertile.  I harbored a secret belief that there was something good and strong and whole about my ovaries and uterus.  The first IVF, with its dismal response and conversion to IUI shook whatever little bit of faith I had in my ovaries.  But the response this cycle has restored some measure of confidence in my body's ability to be helped.   Today's ultrasound showed 13 follicles, 10 measuring 11 or above with three stragglers at 9. My estrogen is over 1500 ("sky high" quoth Dr Calm).  My retrieval will likely be Sunday or Monday, with my pre-op appointment on Friday.  I actually feel excited. I know none of this guarantees anything, but to have made it to this threshold, and to have a high chance of making it to egg retrieval feels like a victory. 

My bottom half wants to lie on the couch with the hot bucky on my ovaries, and the top half of my body wants to run around and finish up projects, clear off my desk and get library books.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little drama, and a lot of relief

Yesterday after I did my morning injections I felt very crampy on my left side (the ovary with attitude), and I figured it was pretty understandable given that I was jacking myself up on FSH, but it felt like when I've had cysts, and that was not a pleasant thought. We walked about a 1/2 a block to breakfast and I had sharp pains, and that got me even more worried. I called Dr. Calm, stayed as still as possible, and waited for her to call back. It took 4 hours for her to get back to me (not my favorite interaction, but not too awful).  Anyhoo, she thought it was unlikely that I'd be having pain this early, but if it was as cyst, we'd want to know sooner than Tuesday (my first scan). I sat on the couch, buck.y bag and a warm cat on my belly, and waited. About 8pm I started to feel better, so I 'made' dinner (cooked the veggie burgers and plated the fries my husband had put in the oven).  I did take a 1/2 an amb.ian so that I wouldn't obsess myself into sleeplessness.

As I sat on the couch and watched the hours tick away, the awful thought would surface that I was going to be full of cysts, no eggs, and ultimately unhelpable.  I managed to repress it pretty effectively, but I was very focused on this morning scan.

We made it to the clinic with about 10 minutes to spare. The tech was very straightforward and told us that this is just a scan to see if I am responding, and that the doctors won't get concerned about something unless it's larger than 12, and even then, it isn't always a problem.  She started the vag cam up, and spent a long time looking at my ovaries, giving a nice commentary the whole time (whew). My lining was a 6.2 (good for this early in the stimming process), and as of this morning I have 16 FOLLICLES!  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO. And they are all close in size, none smaller than 9 or larger than 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ok, I'll stop with the text shouting, but last cycle the follicles were disparate sizes from the start, and it only got worse.  She warned us that that the total count may increase or decrease over the next week.  Honestly, I started with 6 last cycle, so clearly if I lose 6 this time I'll be ahead of the game.

As I left the parking lot my cell phone rang, it was Dr. Calm who called to tell me she was very pleased with the response, to keep up the same amount of meds and come back on Wednesday for another scan and blood work.  I guess she made up for the 4 hour time lag in spades...

As you can imagine I'm feeling relieved--both about the actual count, and the fact that I may indeed be helpable.

The good the bad and the worried

After my period started on Tuesday I was in a whirlwind. I had been expecting the first week of the cycle to be this week (the 12th), and I'd scheduled an important project wrap up for the 14th.  However, I'd heard such horror stories about lup.ron, and the whole week of monitoring last cycle was such a roller coaster, I decided to move my work thing up, and now it is over and I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

Thus far:
I thought Lup.ron was giving me a headache, but it clearly seems to have been tension because one I finished the project, my neck was about 100x less tense.  The lup.ron shots are easy peasy--I love an insulin needle.  I'm doing 300IU's of Gona.l F in the morning along with 10 units of Lup.ron and then another 10 of loopy and 150 of Meno.pur. It isn't that I necessarily want side effects, lord knows they sound awful, but one of my crazy worries is that no matter how much I do, my body won't respond, and the side effects seem like at least you would know your body is responding. However, that is just foolishness, and I'm going to make myself stop it...oy. 

I have been very disciplined about doing the shots every 12 hours. The last two nights we went out to dinner with our house guest and I brought my dorky insulated lunch pail packed with pre-filled vials, and ice pack and alcohol wipes.  At exactly 9 I've gone into the ladies and shot up.  I don't know if this will make the cycle more successful, but it's obsessive protection, and that's worth something.  I feel pretty positive about it at the moment,  but if Tuesday's scan isn't  positive I'm going to be bumming hard.

This morning when I pulled my 300Iu's out of the Gona.l F bottle I was perplexed at why there was so much there, so I called the pharmacist. It turns out that there is always extra, not always double,but always extra. However, premixing my meno.pur 2 hours prior to taking it was not a Genius idea. Luckily I refrigerated it, but in addition to bacteria that could build up and give me an injection site infection, the medication could have started to break down.  She was either not too concerned about it, or was softening the blow, but she thought a 2 hour lag wasn't a huge risk. I tell you if I go in on Tuesday and there is nothing there, I'm going to lose my sh*t.  Not at them, but at myself and the feeling that I always screw up some part of things (not everything,but something like this!)  So from now on, carry meds in their original bottles, do your mixing etc on the spot, even if it is in a tiny bathroom with nothing to balance my stuff on...oy.

Today is mothers day and i don't feel particularly freaked out. The fact that my family doesn't have much of a tradition around mother's day must be part of what makes it easier. Also, I'm so much less raw than I've been in years past, but overall, it has never been one of my hot button times.

I'm not having many big exciting thoughts. I am hell bent for egg retrieval, and then I'll start dreaming beyond it for a postive beta. But if you don't retrieve eggs, you can't get pregnant (at least with IVF)!