Dreams and False Alarms

Arrested Development

Ugh. If only it were that funny.

I guess I'll need to go see my an.alrapist.

The two that were growing arrested at 4 and 5 cells respectively.

I know it isn't very motherly of me, but I am relieved. If we did make it to a transfer, it would have ended in a negative, and I'd rather just get it over with outside of my body, and without anymore doxycyline or progesterone in oil.

All I my dreams are about egg donation, and husband has finally admitted that it is a distinct possibility that that will our route. Lets hope that crap shoot works.

We're meeting with Dr Calm today, because we need to meet with her before Xmas, and this is her only free time, so today it is. Actually, even though it's a spanner in my husbands calender, I'm relieved that we don't have to wait. I hate waiting, and in so many ways, the only way to cope with this clusterfuck called infertility is to have a plan.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, and all of your support. I can't imagine going through this without all of you.

and the torture continues

Now, please don't' get excited. This isn't particularly good news. Embryos that divide this slowly are usually harboring multiple chromosomal issues. 

So:

One embryo is totally arrested.

One that is 5 cells.

One that is 4 cells.

She'll call tomorrow, and update us on the progress. We'll hopefully meet with her soon, and I may start taking DHEA, which will either improve my egg quality, or give me a bald spot and really lush beard.

And then there was one

Ok, so one of them took pity on us in the last 24 hours and saw fit to divide into 4 cells. That is really not great, but it means we keep it in the medium and see what it is doing tomorrow. We even get a special report because normal 4 day embryos look like undifferentiated blobs, but given the laggardness of this entity, we do want to know if it progressed beyond today's 4 cells.

Although this is sort of nice, ti is also really confusing. It's hard to know which set of feelings to go with: the faint hope it might turn into something to transfer, or the wish that it stalls and this cluster-fuck can just be over.

Today I am going to make some yummy cookies, go Christmas shopping in the rain with my husband, and keep one foot going in front of the other.

Well, I guess I won't have to worry about a negative beta ruining christmas...

Looks like my cycle has tanked. The embryos didn't divide between yesterday and today, so it would be really unlikely I transfer at all tomorrow. All of the sudden I'm a high FSH, low responder with crap eggs. Yeesh. Let this be a warning:

IF YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES, AND YOU ARE JOCKEYING ABOUT ONE MONTH OR ANOTHER TO 'START' SHUT UP AND GET BUSY. WHEN YOUR OVARIES GO, THEY GO. YA HEAR ME?

Whew. Glad to get that off my chest. Trust me, an inconvenient pregnancy is better than never, ever having one at all. M'kay?

So, we'll probably get the no go call tomorrow around 8am, and then we start planning for the last cycle. We'll probably do the low responder protocol (priming with estrogen etc), and if that doesn't work, oy. We'll be on to plan C (as IVF was plan B).

I feel...surprised? Sad? Angry, but not rageful. A little lost, but not a wreck.