Dreams and False Alarms

Suprise Suprise (Maybe)**Updated

My period showed up yesterday, 24 days after I'd started my cycle, so it was on track, but since I had no idea when I ovulated, I was expecting it next weekend.  As you can imagine I approached my day 2 lupron baseline screening with a fair bit of speculation.  I was convinced that I would be full of cysts and there would be no chance that this cycle would go forward.

Surprise surprise, no cysts!  Hurdle one cleared. I'm anxiously waiting for the Dr Calm or her lovely nurse to call and tell me if the estrogen is low enough and if I'm cleared to start the May 2008 jab-a-thon.

So hopefully the good surprises will keep on coming (if only for today.) One day at a time, eh?  I'll update later.

**Green Light! All Hurdles Cleared! Pessimism unwarranted!  Watch this space for lup.ron symptoms!

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Dr Calm, that who! I had to work at the time that Dr. Calm was available to talk yesterday, so my husband talked to her.  She is not concerned about my lack of an LH surge, but she did say I could come in for an ultrasound if I wanted to.  No LH surge this am, so I'm going in at 9am for a dil.do caming!  This could be good, or it could suck, but it a least I won't be left all alone to hypervigilantly monitor my body for cues.

The thing Dr. Calm said that 'made a nothing day suddenly seem all worthwhile' was that women who ovulate when they are are the pill usually have ovaries that are very strong, and ready to do the job.  I really needed to hear something positive about my body, and especially my ovaries, poor little things have been taking a beating, both from the drugs, and me.

Oy. That was a doozy of a morning. I cried a good long time in the shower, and then felt a little less nuts. Apparently crying when you are sad releases an enzyme through your tears that can affect your moods. I should really remember that one.

Oh, and we are doing the micro flare lupron protocol, just without the birth control pills.  She'd outlined both protocols in her notes, and then hadn't updated them with her final decision, so the IVF nurse went with the protocol that usually doesn't involve the pill.  Alas, my husbands insistence that we make sure we know, ourselves, what the protocol is, was very timely.  He is fond of saying "You Christians have the second coming, we have the second opinion." And in this case, it was his opinion that we needed to check in about the protocol that saved us some major trouble.

I'll update after the appointment.

On the flying trapeze (not always with the greatest of ease)

So, as I predicted, the test was negative.  I would like to say that 'knowing' it would be negative helped soften the blow, but beyond my good coping, there are these painful places that open up.  I decided not the pee on a stick (hereafter known as POAS) because I've done that some many times, and each of those times I had a pretty good idea that it would be negative. It is such a lonely experience to POAS  and have it come up negative.  I decided I wanted someone else to 'look at the stick' and give me the news.  And it was marginally better--but how good could it be?

I am not preoccupied with there being 'no hope' but I am preparing myself that I might not have a genetic child.  If we do egg donation I will be a biological mother, but not a genetic mother--wrap your head around that one...  And although egg donation would give me a piece of what I'd dreamed of, it is a trade off. I can imagine you, dear reader, may think "Geeze, she sure does get ahead of herself."  And I do.  However, this is how I'm built.  At this point I'm holding the possibility that it will for us, and the possibility that it won't.  This is quite a delicate balancing act.

I talk to Dr Calm on Thursday. I'm hoping that she wants to do the lupron protocol with no birth control pills.  I just don't trust those things.

Stopping the pro.metrium has already resulted in me feeling less achy, gassy and goopy.  Two of the side effects that got me the worst were the joint pain and the bloating. I wasn't necessarily bloated out of my pants, but things were not right in there.  The joint pain reminded me of some of the bad old days when my Fibromyalgia was in full swing.  All of the joints in my toes hurt.  I'm hoping that when I do get pregnant I get the immune boost effect that a lot of women with auto immune syndromes have. Although it seems a bit twisted to look forward to feeding off of your baby's healthy immune system. Oh well, I guess it will be a fair exchange.

In the past 12 hours I have enjoyed the sweet ministrations of: benedr.yl, suda.fed and ibuprofen.  I'm feeling better already. Now onto the cocktail and some sushi.

See you soon.

She's seen worse

I started this post a couple of hours ago, but my router is wonky and the whole shebang was lost.

Suffice it to say, we were not canceled.

The ultrasound technician didn't see the eggs as separate, and so it appeared that I had one huge follicle and 4 much smaller ones. The doctor did the ultrasound herself, found the barrier between the two, and I was reinstated as a viable IVF candidate.  There is still a risk that Shared Risk might review the cycle and deem me to be a poor responder, but we're just going to put our hands over our ears and say "LALALA" to that idea, 'k?  Basically, she's seen worse, and so I'm still responding on the crappy end, but not completely craptacular.

I am not doing justice to the emotional roller coaster I've been on since Tuesday's less than stellar scan, but trust me, it has sucked. For instance, I had myself convinced that I ovulated last night, and that I was a freak of nature that was un-helpable with IVF. That was a productive line of thought, let me tell you. Luckily I was so worn out after working yesterday that I sat on couch with my kitty (one of three, but the most reliable evening lap sitter) and my bucky bag and dozed on and off until I could bear to go to bed.  I slept surprisingly well, and made it to the clinic with 15 minutes to spare.  Between the scan and the pre-op appointment, I called about 5 people, got a hold of one and had a good blubber fest (from both relief and fear of what is, or isn't, to come). 

At this point I'm fervently waiting to stab myself with the dull ganerelix needle and put my ovulation fears to rest, along with my posterior.

More tomorrow.

Second verse, same as the first

Inconclusive again...at least I think. The ultrasound tech was not very forthcoming--she thought that what the other one thought  was a the old cyst, may actually be a follicle. Argh.  So the fate of this cycle still hangs in the balance, I think. That's the problem, I've got no actual idea of whether or not to be worried. I wish my husband wasn't out of town on business, aside from the general comfort it would be to have him here, he is also much better at getting information out of people than I am. 

However, I have finally made it to needing IVF pants. My loosest skirt feels pinchy in the waist, and my office has no microwave so I can take my bucky bag.  I have a hot patch (non mentholated) left over from a shoulder thing, so I'm going to put that in my bag and use that if the pain gets too much. And, I work near Target, so I might just nip over for a pair of comfy pants.

I'll update tonight.

Gonal F pen, friend or foe?

So, after all of yesterday's hoopla, I had myself nice and calmed down, and was all set to give myself the 300 IUs.  I've been using an excel spreadsheet to track how much has been used from each pen.  They both had 150 IUs left; or so I thought.  I've been mixing it with the Menopur to cut down on the number of shots I had to do at night, so the first one when in with a satisfying number of clicks, and then pen number two sort of gives me two clicks, but clearly not the full 300 IUs worth of clicks.  Crap. What to do, what to do? I couldn't start over, then I'd waste the 300+ IUs I'd already put in, and be out a vial of Menopur...  And so I decided to just inject and feel freaked out. So I did it,and I managed to hit a blood vessel, and had a nice bubbling up of the red stuff, and got worried that I done an intramuscular shot. After I mopped up the blood (might have been a whole 1/8 of a teaspoon, eek!) I remembered that the blood thing was bad when doing the PIO, but I'm not there yet. Anxiety sure muddles the brain.

Oh, and the price of Gonal F went up since I bought my supply in late February.  WHAT!  Bastards.  I wonder if the price of Viagra has been dropping?

Basically I have to inject myself with the 300IUs today, and hope that whatever I did last night was good enough, and that when I go in on Thursday am there will be continued growth and some additional follicles.  To reassure myself I looked at some of Tertia's archives (I can't find the link this morning), and I think with Kate and Adam she had no follicles on day 8 and then they jacked her way up, and she ended up with 20 at her next scan. I am afraid of having 20, but a nice even 10 would be very reassuring.

I did some much needed tidying this morning, and now I'm going to do some other things I've been putting off...

First ultrasound--Dr Google, inconclusive (now with conclusions)

Ok, I had my first ultrasound today. I had 6 follicles, 3 on each side, and my cyst has decreased by 1/2.  But 6 follicles doesn't sound that good to me. I realize I have no actual information, but 6 just seems low...
On the right: 7, 6.8 and 9.5
On the left: 9.7, 8.7 and 5.6. 

I will probably get a call from my RE sometime between 2 and 4 today, and I really hope they just tell me to jack myself up further on the hormones, and that there is no danger of cancellation.   

Bummer? Not yet, right?

Conclusions:

All is not lost, they are upping my Gonal F from 225am/150pm to 300 am and pm, and then another ultrasound on Thursday.  The biggest issue I have at the moment is getting more Gonal F!  Oh, my estrogen is fine: 235.  I refuse to Google that.

First shot over the bow

I did it! I pierced my own skin with a needle.  It was remarkably unremarkable.  The two main points of drama were that I was shaking a bit, I had some trouble getting the needle on straight , and I didn't have my thumb positioned over the plunger, but other than that, a little hole in my tummy is the only evidence that anything happened.  Tonight will be the real test of my fortitude: real syringe, real needle.  Wish me luck.

Is there such a thing as an IVF bridesmaid?

I stopped the birth control pills on Sunday; Monday I was treated to some light spotting, and then Tuesday and today have been rather uncomfortable. I took a Tylenol with codeine last night so I could go to sleep.  Frankly, I'm not used to such displays of menstrual competence. Usually I use an obligatory tampon or two, and call it a cycle. 

I'm feeling sort of blah, not down exactly, but a bit altered. I was feeling badly about this, judging myself for not having more umf, oh and for not eating in the most healthful manner, and then after marinating about in this state of mind I remembered that this was how I felt in the days leading up to my wedding. I wasn't sad, or doubtful, but I felt rather subdued, and at times, unglued.  My best friends from college arrived two days before the wedding and took me in hand. A great deal was accomplished by them while I sort of dithered about  on the sidelines.  I could really use a bridesmaid right now.  I suppose that often happens around a birth, but this whole 'known conception' gets the ball rolling early.  I propose IVF doulas?  Why the heck not?  A doula would probably be about the same as prescription of Menopur.

I worked this morning, went to acupuncture and my osteopath, had a nice solid chicken and rice lunch, complete with People magazine (where have Drew Barrymore's boobs gone?), and then got a pedicure.  I also picked up two books: the new Maise Dobbs mystery  and the new Laurie R King mystery to read during my bed rest days after the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer. I also got little trays to separate out the injecting needles and the mixing needles, Clorox wipes to wipe down the counter with, and the all important dental floss. Ok, so that's not IVF related, but why let my choppers rot?   It sounds rather grand and relaxing, but there was this sense of  having to push myself to do it, there was no sense of purpose, or excitement.   

I feel as if I am getting ready to climb a mountain, and it is a mountain I'll be climbing while I'm walking through my days as if I'm merely walking along the road.  I want a little sign to wear around my neck that says "Be gentle with me"  I suppose I'm the one who needs to read that sign, to be gentle with myself and realize that this is a  BIG DEAL, just as getting married was. I'm going to feel kind of overwhelmed at times, scared and maybe even excited...

I'm off to watch Wife Swap and Super Nanny, and admire my sparkley new toes.  I'll let you know how the first needle stick goes...oy.

Last night I had the strangest Dream

More accurately, early this morning, I had the strangest dream.  I dreamt I was at a beautiful house and I was lounging on a bed talking to Brooke Shields (one of the few celebrities who talks openly about her IVF treatment). I took a digital pregnancy test and it was positive, and somehow it could also tell you gestational age.  So I was 2 days pregnant. I was very excited, I was wracking my brain trying to figure out when it happened, and how to tell my husband, because he was clearly not hanging out with me and Brooke.  I was really excited. Then I woke up and I was still excited, but then I realized, no I wasn't pregnant, I had a nice thin lining yesterday and duh, if I was pregnant that wouldn't be the case. I wasn't crushed, or even sad, but it got me to thinking.

I really want this IVF cycle to work. In January I had started out with the mindset that this was a trial run, and that I wasn't going to get too attached to it working. For those who get pregnant on IVF it takes an average of 2.5 cycles (is the .5 a canceled cycle? or how you get your .5 of 2.5 children?), so caution dictates that I should prepare myself for that scenario. But how can I be that clinical?  This is a big dream we're talking about here! So I considered keeping myself at distance, or using dread to keep me safe from the crash of unfulfilled expectations. The next thought was that I can't bear to hold this with hopeless expectation--I started the TTC process that way, and it wore me down to a nub.  I'm choosing hopeful expectation, and then I have to deal with what really happens. I don't deserve to get pregnant, no one deserves children more or less than anyone else, and hopeless expectation never protected anyone from a bad outcome.

So the cyst is still there, but the estrogen level is low (33?), so that means it's not producing estrogen, and I start injecting myself with the goodies next Friday.  We went to a shots training session on  Wednesday.  I walked in afraid of giving myself shots, and walked out afraid drawing the fluid into the needle; it requires quite a lot of coordination! Also, math will be involved to track how much is left in each Gonal F pen--under stress I can get pretty confused, so I'm going to have to do a lot of deep breathing and obsessive spreadsheet making.