Dreams and False Alarms

Long time no see

I'm pretty sure if I looked in my archives, I'd find that I've got quite a few posts that say some variation on "long time no see".  Sorry about the silence. Since I didn't post my negative last week, some people were still writing to wish me luck. Sorry for the confusion!  I was actually very busy, then it was my birthday on Thursday, and I was exhausted from all the busyness earlier in the week. Also, I was just in a bad place before then and I didn't even want to hear myself talk, ya know? 

So! Well! Where to start?

I don't have breast cancer, so that's good. 

I went for my paranoid mammogram on Monday, got a call on Tuesday from my OB saying they wanted to do a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound because of a suspicious mass in my left breast, so I promptly mobilized, and used my PPO insurance to get myself an appointment the next day at a one of the best hospitals around, and had my answer ( a simple cyst), just under 24 hours from when my doctor first called.  I did a remarkably good job of holding it together--every once in a while I would stray into "well it's so early, it will be a good prognosis, but that means no pregnancy, and who will let a woman who has had breast cancer adopt etc etc.", but I managed to not go there. Thank god I got seen so quickly!

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We picked a donor.  We were looking at 5 donors, all vaguely resembling me, all proven, but 3 were from my clinic, which saved us about 5K, so the choice was clear in some ways. The donor is the same age as one of my nieces, taller than me, but the same coloring, and well, I guess she seems nice. At some point I had very high ideals about who and what and where and how she should be (also known as trying to replicate myself in another person...), and then I just got to a place where I realized that she needed to be a good person, and she needed to be willing to meet the child when they were 18.  I was quite worried that I would have to compromise on that, if I ever wanted to get this party started, but she is willing to be contacted.

We do one more IUI, sometime in the next 5 days (today is cycle day 8), with endo.metrian for the luteal phase, and then if the beta is negative, then we commence with the DE cycle. Luckily, our cycles are already somewhat synchronized (she'll get hers the same week I do in Nov), so we might even have a transfer before Dec 31!

I am still ambivalent about doing the IUI--still scared that even if I do get pregnant, and even if I don't miscarry, that my age puts me at so much risk for Downs and other genetic issues that it will be harder to feel excited than I would like. At this point I'd like a DE cycle for the price of an IUI. Shall I dream on?

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On Wed my mom called me to let me know that one of her dear friends had died in her sleep. For those of your just joining in the story now, my mom and her contemporaries are in their 80's, and so these losses may be piling up. 

Her name was Joan. She was at the hospital when I was born, and there for every significant milestone in my life until I was in my mid 20's when she and her husband moved about 4 hours away.  She was my buddy. She was a terrible cook, but ambitious--she introduced me to crème fraîche and many other delights. She was a snappy dresser, and always let me rummage around in her closet. I was allowed to try on her clothes, and model them--often combining things in new and different ways, which she always gave me credit for when she wore the outfit. In sixth grade I was going through a very awkward phase and took the worst school picture of my entire life (I am rather photogenic,and enjoy having my picture taken--drivers license pictures included).  She worked for a photographer, and that year had portraits taken of me, which she paid for. My Senior pictures, my wedding pictures, all of them paid for by her. 

She made me beautiful SARAH pillows when I was about 10, velvet, satin, corduroy.  I finally gave them to another little girl named Sarah, but right at this moment, I wish I had them back. She also took some of the most lovely baby pictures of me, did quite a lot of photography, and batik. She had a practical elegance that I can see so clearly in my own fashion choices--any type of herringbone, or nubby wool trouser strikes me as a Joan outfit. She was, I think, an artist stuck in a 50's housewifes life, and although she broke out and did do art in middle age, I wonder what her life would have been like had she known from the beginning that that was who she was.   But what I want to hold onto is that she didn't let it stop her, she did those things. Maybe I can too--maybe I can start holding my own art in a little higher esteem.

She was an early proponent of seat belts--I never wore one unless I was with her. She worked in the library, and I thought for a long time that being a library assistant was a glamorous job. Not because it looked glamorous, not because she always seemed so important--But because she had an air about her and she could find my favorite children's book, or let me know when it would come back. Very important to a girl obsessed with Mushy Eggs (out of print, but on it's way to me).

She would often start out a sentence with "Well Sar.." and then go on to tell me about something she was thinking about, something she'd seen or respond seriously to my thoughts or feelings.  She had lovely looping handwriting--somewhat like my own if I concentrate.  I recently unearthed a postcard she sent, which she made out of a picture she took of me, wishing me luck in my 'new adventure' (changing high schools), and teasing me about a teacher I'd clashed with who'd resigned.

The picture below is of the two of us, me probably wearing her kerchief--I recall being fascinated by them as a small child, and always asking for one.  She was probably asking for my opinion, and taking it seriously.

I love you Joan--thank you for ever little piece of you I carry inside of myself.  You live on in my heart, in my wardrobe, and in that special place where I know that I was loved, and adored and enjoyed from the moment you knew I was on the way. Rest in Peace, rest in peace.

 

 

 

IVF: It's all fun and games until someone spends their life savings and doesn't get a baby

I had a few days of hope that maybe this cycle had worked, but on Tuesday, that started to shift.

To recap the reasons I had hope:

A compacting embryo on day three

Pink spotting on day 5 and 6

Tender breasts that couldn't tolerate an underwire

Zinging cramps that I remembered from my pregnancy with Sparky

On Tuesday I had the distinct feeling that things were shifting and not in a positive way. My breasts felt less tender, and seemed to be deflating. I told myself that it was probably my imagination. But on Wednesday, I had the distinct dropping progesterone feeling of feeling weepy about everything, and the breasts were clearly smaller and not sore. Last night I didn't even need to wear my sleep bra.  I'm going commando right now, and not a tender spot in sight.

Of course there is nothing to do but wait until Sunday, take the pills, do the shots, but in my body, it feels like it is over. Please don't encourage me. I just don't want any encouragement.  This is the pattern my 3 early pregnancies had the first year we were trying. If I wasn't on the progesterone, I'd probably be bleeding by now.

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I am ambivalent about this. On the one hand I am extremely sad, and exhausted by this whole process, and on another, I'm sort of well, not exactly relieved, but something like relieved. When I did think I was pregnant I found myself feeling ambivalent about how I would feel about a positive result. In one way it would be wonderful, but in another, it would be excruciating.  I have lost faith in my eggs, and their performance with the donor sperm was the final nail in that coffin.  Using my eggs feels like putting broken embryos into my body to die--not to live. To be pregnant this cycle, with my day three embryo (since only one of 5 was of any quality) would be terrifying. If I were to make it all the way to the second trimester, I would feel that I had to get an amnio because until I got those results I wouldn't be able to feel confident that the baby was healthy. 

For the last 3 years it mattered to me that my eggs could be proven to be strong, healthy, and good. They felt like an extension of my own strength, health and goodness. For most of my life I've been consumed by my own fears and feelings of defectiveness, but at this point I feel that I am strong, healthy and good, but my eggs aren't. I am ready to let go of my eggs, and ready to let go of this phase of my life.

And this is where the title comes in: If money were no object, I'd be doing DE/DS cycle by November at the latest. But financially, it makes more sense to do 3 IUI's with my eggs and donor sperm and to see if one of them works. Why? We've never tried that--all our data comes from translocated sperm and IVF, and maybe I'm one of those people who's eggs don't develop well with extra gondrapins.  Also, a monitored IUI costs 1K, a donor egg cycle costs 25K. If we get lucky, and one of my eggs decides to be a superstar, we'll have saved 25K. 

The worst part of this is that I don't want to do it. I just don't want to do it at all, but I will.  I will be vigilant, and responsible. I'll go to acupuncture, and pee on sticks every morning, and I'll refrain from taking all my favorite meds for 2 weeks (flex.eril, amb.ian, suda.fed).  In the long run I know it would be easier for our child if they had at least one genetic link, but really, I just don't want to do it. I don't want to use my old tired eggs. I don't want to go through this any more. AT ALL.  I will do this, but don't ask me to be hopeful, or to like it, or to believe in it.

I feel grumpy and cornered. I am cornered by logic and reason, and good sense, but in terms of what I want, I don't want this. It has gotten to the point that I don't want a child who shares a genetic link with me--I want this to be over.  Yet, money doesn't grow on trees, and there isn't more money coming from where the last chunk came from, so we can't just do what feels right, we have to do what is right all around. ARGH.

Just laying around hoping for the best

Thank you so so much to everyone that has commented over the last 24 hours. I usually respond individually, but I don't have a laptop, so I'm posting from my phone, which is tedious.

I'm at a loss for tv at the moment--I'm all caught up on on show I rented, and the other (in treatment) is too nerve wracking. Husband will go out later and stock me up on the good stuff.

Even though this cycle is merely in the middle, I am thinking ahead to the "what if's". Our plan has been to move on to donor egg and donor sperm, which is doable. But there are moments when I say to myself "is this really me? Is this really my life? Am I really faced with these choices? These losses?" The feeling I have when I ask these questions is disbelief. I'm not angry, or feeling persecuted (which I've felt quite a lot of), but shocked and suprised at the burden my family will carry. Even if we were to adopt, there would be this disjuncture. There will be times when things are seamless, and other times when the stitches we used to piece our family together will be undeniable.

One thing I'm suprised at is that the question on "why" now holds so little interest for me. I don't particularly care to worry about what is wrong with my eggs (if there is anything wrong with them aside from age). I used to fell plauged by this question, but now it is not as important to me.

While I dearly hope that I'm pregnant, if I'm not, I'm getting ready for what, and who(m?) comes next.

9

We got 9. Here's hoping at least 6 fertilize. More later when I'm notso groggy. Whew.

Trigger tonight!

Dr Calm called around one to say that she recommended that we trigger tonight. Usually it's a defin
tive decision, but since we have some stragglers, she wanted to make sure we were on board with the decision. We will trigger tonight at 8:45.

Dr Calm thinks we'll get 8, so hopefully 4 will fertilize. She recommened not deciding to do ICSI until we see what we have sperm and egg wise. Apparently an immature egg can mature in the lab, and so using the micro drop method is better in that circumstance. If you know an egg is mature, then ICSI is fine--you can't use ICSI on an immature egg.

Overall, I'm not feeling desperate or stressed. Whatever happens we will be ok.

6th time's the charm

Lining is thin, no cysts, and the starting gun has been fired on IVF #6. I gave myself the microsose Lupron shot at about 10:30. I'll update later with E2 and FSH numbers. Please pardon my brevity, I'm posting from my phone.

Cycle Day 1!

I was just ready to call this day a wash, when the old girl showed up! Yay! I'm all set for my ultrasound tomorrow morning, meds are getting delivered tomorrow, and as long as there are no cysts, were a go!

What to name the cycle? I've gotten some great suggestions:

-IVF 6: The one with the live baby!

-"6th time's the charm"

-The IVF that worked!

-Six is the new IVF (and my variation on this is: 6 is the new 'first time we tried')

-IVF 6: Let's get this party started

-IVF 6: The one that sticks

-let's get the in utero party started"

-I hope you pull one out of the hat (which led me to think of 'pulling it out of the crapper')

While I love the positive vibe, I don't think I can jump right to "The one that worked"

I tend to lean more towards, well, the sarcastically hopeful side.

At the moment I'm considering 6 is the new 'first time we tried'. It captures the ridiculousness of doing 6 IVF's, and it is the first time we'll try to donor sp.erm. So it is sarcastic and accurate...

Watch this space!

Next Stop: IVFlandia

Okay, negative on the Beta front.  Husband and I are disappointed, but not surprised.  I talked to Dr. Calm, and she said I need to get a saline sonogram in the early part of the cycle. Hopefully it will be unremarkable, and we can proceed.

Now we just need AF to show up, and we can get the party started.

How shall I title this cycle?

IVF 6: Last chance in Egg-ville

IVF 6: Holy Crap, 6 IVF's?

IVF 6: Win one for the Gipper?

IVF 6: Operation Get the damn baby already

IVF 6: Your suggestion here

Help me out ladies!

Am I Jonah or the Whale?

I had one shitty weekend. Good lord. I haven't felt that bad in months, maybe even a year.

I actually thought I was doing better (because, ya know,I'd made a list of everything I needed to do...as if that was full mental health!), but yesterday at therapy, I turned into a self lacerating disaster area.

I have this image of my therapist standing on the deck of a boat with a deep sea fishing pole, her feet planted against the rail, trying to reel me back in.

She said to me, a number of times "What did you swallow whole?" We tried out various ideas, but none of them reeled me back in.  As I left, I remembered that I'd read this post on Friday at Peter's cross station . Go ahead, read it, and then look through the comments, and find the one by Sara (not me).  The comments on this were awesome, and really spoke for me, and yet I was deeply impacted by this post.  I think this is what I swallowed whole.  Even though I had enough self awareness to read the comments, and respond off line to the author and to Sara, who I felt really captured a lot of what I wanted to say, there was still a huge piece of me that took in Shannon's criticism of ART and applied her judgment about entitlement and classism to myself.  It was as if she referred to some ART bloggers who are not cognizant of the choices they are making for others (their children), and because she didn't single me out and say "Everyone but Sarah at Dreams and False alarms is a jerk", I swallowed her judgment whole.  In some ways, I think this is because I am conflicted about our next steps (donor sperm, donor sperm/donor egg), and in another it is probably because I feel so overwhelmed by my needs, and my husband's needs, and to have a chance at gestating a child ourselves, and I worry that this  will somehow hurt our future children.

I have this unrealistic unconscious/and not so unconscious directive for myself as a parent that I have to anticipate anything that could potentially hurt my children and make sure it doesn't happen.  What I think hit me this weekend is that we are out of 'perfect' options.

Bad scenario number 1: My husband's sperm is unlikely to ever combine with my or anyone else's eggs and make a human.  

Bad situation number 2 : My eggs are not too likely to make much better use of donor sperm than they did of translocated sperm.  

Bad situation number 3: Donor sperm and Donor eggs--a child created solely for our convenience (uh, not sure that is the right word), and to meet my need of being pregnant. And to be fair, to provide some sort of biological and gestational continuity for the child themselves.

Bad situation number 4: We adopt a child through conventional private adoption, or through our county system, or internationally.  The myriad losses for a child in this option range from the complications of open adoption to the complete loss of any hope of knowing their genetic/first family.

It just seemed too much. And then Shannon's opinion that using ART is an act of entitlement...it just hit too many nerves, and caught too many of my triggers. 

So, is she wrong? Yes, and no. There are people who just don't think. But I am not one of them. I think so much, that I often  wonder if I should even try to have children because no matter how I go about it someone is hurt, and to hurt anyone in my quest to have a family is pretty unbearable. I think this was where I was really stuck over the last few days.  I couldn't see my way forward.

I remember about 15 years ago I heard a report on NPR about the Amazon Rainforest tribes being a hot new market for A.von.  I was appalled, at both the tentacles of capitalism, and the potential for millions of little bottles of A.von products to pile up and pollute the Amazon.  I mentioned this to a friend, and she too was appalled. We talked about in front of her boss, who was a really lovely woman, but had a totally different mindset about the world. She said "Oh! how nice for them! Now they can have all that good stuff too."  She didn't think about things in the same way that we did, but was she necissarily wrong? Or entitled, on behalf of amazon tribal women to 'ski.n so so.ft"  Somehow this story about A.von in the rain forest reminds me that I am not the kind of person who doesn't think about the effects of my actions. If anything, I over think my effects on my children.  

So, I'm going to try to stay in the game, and not take things so personally.  She is entitled to her opinions, and she made her choices because of who she is, and what makes sense to her.  I need to reserve the right to do the same, I need to reserve it for myself, and not feel implicitly judged because she has a strong opinion.  Oy.

The road not traveled, heck the road hardly even considered

Today I am going to tell you what I'm really thinking. These thoughts are pretty shocking to me, and do not constitute a decision, but are very much at the top of my mind.

I'm thinking about not having children at all. That's right, Ms "gonna be a mom no matter what" is considering the childfree option.

The tremendous drive I have had over the last 10 years, and especially in the last 3 to become a parent/mother no matter what the obstacles, is waning.  I find myself wondering if I want to do it: do I want to dive in to the world of donor eggs and/or adoption, or do I want something else?

I have been so wound around this idea of being a mother, in part to heal myself in relation to my own mothering, but also from a visceral level, that this feeling of saying "no" is a relief and kind of frightening. I don't think anyone is taking me seriously, but today as I sat in a crowded dining room, I thought "I could go to Peru again, or Thailand. I could dive into that intensive training that I'm so interested in. I could starting singing again. I could spend time with my wonderful husband." and on and on.

I imagine that some of this is coming up because my last IVF with my eggs is around the corner (about 10 days away to be exact), and at the end of this cycle, if it works and I don't miscarry, the die will be cast.  If it doesn't I'll need to make a decision; one of the biggest of my life. 

From a mental health perspective, it seems like I'm embracing the full range of options--always a good sign, but this is so scary to think about, good thing I have that nice lady to talk to on Tuesday.

Well, waddaya think?