Today I am going to tell you what I'm really thinking. These thoughts are pretty shocking to me, and do not constitute a decision, but are very much at the top of my mind.
I'm thinking about not having children at all. That's right, Ms "gonna be a mom no matter what" is considering the childfree option.
The tremendous drive I have had over the last 10 years, and especially in the last 3 to become a parent/mother no matter what the obstacles, is waning. I find myself wondering if I want to do it: do I want to dive in to the world of donor eggs and/or adoption, or do I want something else?
I have been so wound around this idea of being a mother, in part to heal myself in relation to my own mothering, but also from a visceral level, that this feeling of saying "no" is a relief and kind of frightening. I don't think anyone is taking me seriously, but today as I sat in a crowded dining room, I thought "I could go to Peru again, or Thailand. I could dive into that intensive training that I'm so interested in. I could starting singing again. I could spend time with my wonderful husband." and on and on.
I imagine that some of this is coming up because my last IVF with my eggs is around the corner (about 10 days away to be exact), and at the end of this cycle, if it works and I don't miscarry, the die will be cast. If it doesn't I'll need to make a decision; one of the biggest of my life.
From a mental health perspective, it seems like I'm embracing the full range of options--always a good sign, but this is so scary to think about, good thing I have that nice lady to talk to on Tuesday.
Well, waddaya think?
