Isn't that silly? It's going to eat my post when it shuts down, and still I persist. It's 6:30, it's dark, and the house is still asleep. My tea is cooling, but I dare not disturb my own peace by having the microwave beep. The boys are three. Truly, madly deeply three. Ace is a songster. He sings nearly constantly. A mix of all the places he learns songs:old MacTonald/Eine am tev ot/elevator elevator way up high/Hanukkah oh Hanukkah/happy birthday/bubble space bubble space is just for me. And loudly. so loudly. Juice is our little engineer. Always building, figuring, planning and executing one thing or another. They couldn't be more different, which is just what I wanted. But let me admit this to you right now: this is really hard. So hard I have doubted myself right down to the ground and then some. I had to go to a stress management class for moms because I was turning into the worst aspect of my own mother, and I was terrified and ashamed of myself. Luckily it helped, and I remind myself often that it's my job to stay calm, and it's not my job to win. That last bit is the meat of the matter! I thought "no, it's my job to win!". Wow. That is a recipe for struggle right there. So I've been working on that, and it really has helped. The boys are in preschool three days a week, and they are growing by leaps and bounds. They are potty trained, can dress themselves, pour their own milk (from a little pitcher), and are on the way to being able to make pb&j's! But, much to my distress juice has a classic toddlers diet, and will eat fruit but no veg, and can spot green things a mile a way. His brother does eat vegetables, and fruit, and a lot of nuts, so at least I know it's not all me! And what else? I went back to work very part time before their first birthday. It's been good, and bad. I'm a therapist. I love the work in the room with clients, but I am a really distracted business woman. So basically, it's a hobby, and it's draining us financially, and it's leaving me stretched thin and depleted. So as of June 1, I'm closing my practice and I'll be a real life sahm! Oh the groceries and laundry I will do! Really, I am looking forward to that. Kind of odd. In another way, I think it will help with my stress management. I am not anywhere enough to get anything done. The rhythm of my days is pretty chaotic. Also, my mom died. February 11. She started to feel sick last summer, and hen her back started hurting, and through a series of really quack like moves her doctor made the whole situation worse by not even following up on the epxray that showed something fishy at L-5. my parents refuse to sue him. But a strongly worded letter, letting him know what a fuck up he is shall be landing on his desk in the next few months. So I'm here, really needing to write, hoping to find my writing legs again, and hoping there is someone out there who wants to say hi.