Drive by blogging!

Hi!

Sorry for the silence. I'm hardly ever home, and even though I can, and do blog from my phone, my hands are full of either babies or my bre.asts (pushing the milk out during pumping).

If you would like to be friends on Facebook, where I can upload a picture and a description nearly one handed, send me an email at sarah at dreamsandfalsealarms.com

Ok! For a real update:

The boys are now 34 weeks old. Asa weighs 5.8 lbs and Judah weighs 4.8 lbs. Judah is behind because he had to spend a week on dieuretics to clear his wee lungs of fluid. Now he's off them, and will probably catch up with Asa in no time (he's gaining weight like a champ!)

They are both working on breastfeeding. This week Asa has take 4mls, 14 mls, 16mls, 22 mls, 26mls! directly from the milk bar! We are going to start doing pre and post weighing with Judah today. Asa is fiercely sucking on his paci during feedings which means he's made the association between hunger and his mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go brainstems! Their development is unfolding right on schedule, which is really nice. After everything else we compromised to have these children, I'm so happy to be able to breastfeed them.

Pumping, which is now going to segue into breastfeeding is going well. I found the magic flanges from this company: Pumpin Pal. This company saved my sanity! The flanges are shaped more like a baby's mouth and come off nipple at a more natural angle. Go look for yourselves. There is no danger of me becoming one of those moms who loves pumping, but at least I don't hate it and my breasts aren't in abject misery at all times.

Asa may be home by the end of the month...or maybe sooner? He's mastering feeding, and temp regulation, what is next is not having any bradicardic episodes during sleep for 5 days.  Every time he has one, it resets the clock 5 days.  Judah is making huge strides, but he is still on a nasal canula with oxygen, so until he's off of that, he can't come home. There is a chance they'd send him home on oxygen, but it's a slim chance, and we really don't want him home before he's really ready to be here.

This is going to get hairy really soon for the following reasons:

Judah may be in the hospital for 2 or more weeks longer than Asa which means carting Asa back and forth to the hospital every day, and managing the transition from gavage (tube in nose) feeding to breast and bottle feeding, during which I will have to pump after each breastfeeding session until they can really empty my breasts.

Hauling Asa back and forth.

Leaving our sweet Judah alone at the hospital.

Being home without both our boys.

So some of it is logistical and some of it emotional. Eventually we'll all be home together, but it feels so attenuated.

Add to all of this that beyond the normal period that most people have to isolate their preemies and newborns, because of Judah's severe lung damage, and Asa's less severe but rather involved lung damage, we are going to have stay isolated a lot longer than usual. 

One thing that I've been thinking about is the invisibility factor that becoming a mother has entailed: I felt invisible when I was going through infertility, I had lovely moments of being seen as a pregnant woman, but those were fleeting since I was in the hospital with the kidney drama and then on bedrest, and now, to protect our babies health, we won't be out in public with them much.  Honestly, this is superficial, but it is also a life experince, to be the one pushing the stroller with the babies who lites up the face of even the most crumudgenly old coot. I've seen so many others do it, and I wanted that for myself.  I was in the pharmacy and there was a mother with ther 5 month old baby, soothing him and cooing to him, and I realized, here I am again. Part of the club, but with my badge on the inside. What a different moment it would have been if I'd had one or both of my boys. A moment of connection that I could force, by inserting my status into the situation, but that is another way of being invisible.  Truly, I wouldn't endanger our boys by taking them someplace that wasn't safe for them just because I want to fulfill a fantasy, but it's a loss nonetheless.

Despite that rather introspective paragraph, mostly I'm just happy as a clam. I can't wait for the real mothering to begin. Right now it's like I have a job, but not like a 'real' mom in the ways so many of you describe, but it will be here sooner than I know.

I'll post some pictures soon from my phone. They are in the same crib! It's sooooo cute! 

 

 

Comments

[Summer]

Glad to hear from you! I hope the time between Asa and Judah can both be home is short. My SIL had a similar experience, her daughter was able to come home before her son and when her son came home, he had to be on a heart monitor. They also had to be secluded for quite a long while. I want to say a year, but maybe it was 6 months.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to have to hold back and be invisible once again. Now that your boys are here, you deserve all the rewards that come along with that! I hope you will get to experience it soon (because you will!).

[Sara]

It's great to hear from you. It sounds like both Asa and Judah are doing really well. What fighters you have!

That said, I can imagine how hard this all must be emotionally. Hugs.

I'm sorry that you're missing out on the experience of taking your newborn out in public. On the up side, they'll be tiny for a while, so even if you have to wait, you WILL have that experience. Those instant connections happen even with toddlers, so you will get there one day. It does stink that so much of your experience has been medicalized. I'm glad the BF is going well, anyway.

[a]

When the weather is warm, and the babies are bigger, you can take them out and show them off. They're twins, and they're bound to attract attention their whole lives, so you might want to revel in the peace that a trip to the grocery store has now. Once you're out in public with them, you might wish for some invisibility!

Good luck with the babies in 2 places situation. On the one hand, it will be a nice training period. On the other hand, it will be a huge trial to get everything done in a day. But, oh how wonderful to have Asa at home! And Judah will soon follow.

[Cindyhoo2]

Bah! Those early NICU and having one baby home were hard!! But the upside was that even just having one babe at home meant our arms weren't empty. Also, you will have those moments of people clucking over the babies (after the initial isolation). To be honest those moments do make me a proud mommy but they also bring out the fiece mama bear. I keep thinking about germs, overstimulation, etc. You'll never stop being surprised at what mothering brings forward in your personality..... At least these 3 months have been surprising for me.

[Sue]

So good to hear your little ones are doing well!! I had a 1 week period where one was in the hospital and one was at home and it was hard. We got through it by alternating days. One day I would leave my son and his pumped milk home with dad and grandma, the next day I'd send dad to the hospital with pumped milk for my daughter. It was a logistical nightmare but we were an hour from the hospital and I couldn't handle it any other way. Yours still could come home on the same schedule though - nothing is for sure when it comes to the NICU!

And the isolation... it's hard but you will get through it. Like one of the other commenters said, warmer weather is right around the corner. I walked with my babies sometimes 2x a day when they were tiny. It kept me sane, helped work off the baby weight, and gave me a chance to show them off to neighbors (from a distance). Get a jogger that has a car seat adapter (my Bob Dualie does) and you can get them out as soon as it's warm enough.

I know you don't feel like a "real" mom yet but you will soon! The day they unhook those wires from baby #2 and you drive away from the NICU for the last time is absolutely surreal. You will be giddy and on top of the world and it will be here before you know it!!!

[Brenda]

Chiming in late here, but I agree with the above. So glad your little ones are doing so well. Having one in the hospital and one at home is hard. I nearly drove myself nuts trying to visit Josh every day. I had to take public transportation as my husband would take the car to work. That means that I would take my HUGE double stroller on both a bus and a subway ride. Not the most fun I've ever had. It would take me an hour to get there, and by the time I did, I was utterly exhausted.

Soon one of your boys will be home, with the other to follow soon after. You well get through it. It will be hard, but that's what Mom's do, right :)? I have many a picture of me with a tear-stained shirt holding Josh in the NICU with Aaron sitting snuggly in his carrier. We all got through it, then Josh came home, and we could eventually go out and join the rest of the world. And yes, because the are twins, the will garner A LOT of attention. Even though you may not get to enjoy that attention for a while longer, believe me, it is coming. The smiles from strangers, people stopping in the middle of the grocery store to ask you about your twins. Yes, it all comes, just a little later for those of us with little ones that have to be kept separate for a while.

You and your boys are in my thoughts! Brenda

[BWUB plus one]

I think you are an incredibly dedicated, awesome mom. And as I read the others' comments, I think: wow, so many of you with twins and NICU experiences. You are a tough breed of mom! The silver lining (if I may be so bold as to offer one) is that you'll get a fantastic education from those NICU nurses about protecting your babies and preventing viruses. Your boys sound like determined little guys and I hope you're all home together as a family soon.

[Jessica]

I have moments like those. It's just a really odd transition into parenthood - it wasn't at all how i expected it to be. It was difficult for me to adjust to finally having Ziggy - i always felt like a mom, but now it was different because the world acknowledgeed me as such.

Enjoy the ride, these are huge milestones that you are sharing with us and i am nothing short of happy for you and your little family.

I know i have not responded to your email yet, but the link to my new blog is below.

[mekate]

Thinking of you and your little ones, and hoping that all transitions are going well. And above all else, I hope you are all home together very soon.
XO
Kate

[Kami]

You have an amazing attitude. I can tell you are focusing on what you have and not what is missing. You deserve to have ALL things go the way you want them.

Now, where are those pictures?