Coming down

I have a lot to say, at least in my head, about this experience, but it's not time to say it.
There are moments, amid the hustle and bustle of pumping and driving back and forth from the hospital that the reality of our situation hits me, or more accuratly, the reality of our situation a few weeks ago. As they become less fragile, and more like infants, and less like fetus', my
mind let's yet another layer of protective repression receed, and I am hit by waves of fear and terror at how closely they have clung to life during these last 4 weeks.
Jen, at 'maybe if you just relax' lost one of her twin girls--the big one, the one they hadn't been concerned about. I have struggled with how to even speak of this. The inevitable reaction to a horror that you yourself have escaped is to use words like 'lucky' and 'fortunate', or the worst 'blessed', to try to express your relief at having had a different outcome. But as I sit here, my heart heavy her loss, I am reminded that none of us has control over these outcomes. To claim luck or blessings is to imagine some force that has chosen us for respite from the horror of loss, and ultimatly, that the person who has experienced the loss is lacking in some way that we aren't. That is unbearable to contemplate.
Today, I'm going to
Hold my boys as close as their little nervous systems can tolerate and appriciate the very fact of them. Jen, my heart breaks for you and your family.

Comments

[It is what it is]

I cannot fathom her inexplicable loss and the tenuousness of the situation with her surviving daughter.

There is no luck, good or bad, in these tragic circumstances with gut wrenching outcomes.

Prayers going up for her, her daughters, and you and your boys. One hour, one day at a time. Stay in the moment as best you can.

[Sprogblogger]

Yeah. What you said. I can barely wrap my brain around the horror that Jen's life must be right now, and I can't respond at all without just needing to put down the computer and go hug my boy. Thinking of you & hoping for nothing but good things for you all.

[Tireegal]

Exactly. Knowing how I love my daughter so fiercely and the place that the horrible thought of losing her sends me to - no words. Yes, we are all blessed and yes it's a crapshoot that has nothing to do with luck or blessings. Sending you and Jen and all ALI moms and parents profound love.

[Michele]

You are oh so right. As I read her news last night, my heart jumped into my throat. It is unthinkable... unspeakable...

Prayers and many hugs...

[Rebecca]

Prayers for both you and Jen and both of your babies.

[Erin]

I, too, am haunted by what happened with Jen and the baby -- what a horrible, horrible situation.

[Cindyhoo2]

Like you, I have no words to express my own feelings of being lucky or blessed or whatever in the face of a loss so profound. Every day truly is precious.

[Kami]

Oh, my heart breaks for Jen. God, how awful. We only have this moment and unexpected tragedy can strike at any moment. You are right - it is not luck, just chaos.

If only wishes could change reality, but I still wish. Today I am wishing you, your DH and your boys a century of joy together.

[Next in Line]

Thank you for this thoughtful post. The bigger Bee gets, and she is a year now, it makes me look back to when she was born and was sick and realize exactly how small and fragile she was. I am so sad for Jen and her family. You are right. We can't control outcomes, but we can love each other today.

[Me]

::nods head::

[Jessica]

Written like a true baby-loss momma. No one deserves this type of heartache and in just the same way no one can do enough to deserve the joy that these babies can bring. We just have to be thankful and truly live in the moment. There are times I hug Savannah and think of her sisters and it is just too much emotion - good and bad to handle in one moment. I just have to be thankful and enjoy her warmth.