Hello my dears.
I'm sorry I've been MIA. I have been struggling with switching to a new donor, and honestly didn't want to put much down for posterity. I always think about what my children will think when they read my blog years later, and I've been so confused and sad that I couldn't really say anything worth writing.
Remember when I wrote this post and this post? These were my wrestling with the idea of the illusion of the donor, and my connections to her, no matter how slim, that were comforting to me. And then I got down right attached, and excited. And then she was disqualified. Next came the lightning round of donor choosing, and here we are, one week from starting lupron. Zowie.
I think one of the hardest things for me to remember is that no matter how I feel about the donor (ecstatic, horrified or indifferent [none of which I feel]) that hopefully there will be a real live human [baby] in 10 or so months who will displace all who came before her (or him) in my mind and in my affections. In the midst of all this identity crisis, and limbo, it's so hard to feel like the future will hold anything other than what is right here, right now. And yet, it does. Just to look back one year and see where we were, that also seemed impossible to live beyond.
So I'm here in the train station again. My companions have departed. The tote board says that my train arrives soon, but for now, it's just me. Officials wandering through, wind blowing debris around the tracks, but still here waiting.
The way my clinic organizes things is the IVF nurses handle the IP's and the donor coordinators handle the donors. So my same old favorite nurse, who never ever tires of my endless questions, and always laughs at my jokes, will be my contact person. She said she'll call me after each of the donor's appointments, and let me know how things are going.
I feel absurdly confident that her part will go well. I'm preparing myself that all of this suppressing and then reanimating my cycle might not go well, and if my lining isn't stellar, we won't go ahead with a fresh transfer. If I haven't learned anything else from this IVF business, putting your head in the sand and hoping for the best is NOT the best strategy. So, hopefully we'll have a transfer during the 2nd week of June, but if not, I'm counting on frozen embryos. If two 25 year olds can't make a few frozen embryo's, what is this world coming to?
You'll be hearing a lot more from me soon!