I am about a week away from starting BCP's so the donor and I can sync our cycles, for a transfer sometime in May. I am exctied, and nevous and as you can see, laying low.
I'm not sure why. I think it is a well needed break from thinking about all of this stuff. I'm feeling better than I have in a while. I started taking nortriptaline (v low dose) to help with my sleep disorder. It worked wonders for me when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyaligia, and after the series of rapid cycling flare ups I was having starting in January, I was ready for a break.
I went to a very interesting conference yesterday, and it has me thinking, again, about illusions.
In my last post I said that I found myself calling the egg donor "the birth mother" in my head.
At the conference yesterday, the panelists and the audience were all wrestling with the psychological differences between birth mothers and donors. One presenter coined the term 'birth other' which I think really does encompass the whole field from sperm donors to surrogates.
From a lot of different things said yesterday, I started to think about what it would be like to consider the egg donor the birth mother. No one suggested this directly, but through a lot of what was said, I started to think about all the ways, and boy howdy could this be controversial to say, that using donor gametes allows us to preserve the illusion, for ourselves, at least in part, that the baby we are carrying is made from our gametes and those of our partner. But why not at least play with the idea?
Birth mother implies the person who gives birth, so it's sort of the wrong term, but this child, at least in part, could have been one she carried and raised, if not for the choice she made to donate her eggs. And she is a real person. A human, just like me. Just like our child will be. She is not a body part, or a cell, she's a whole person. Just like a birth mother would be. And yes this is different, the child will be in my body, it will be my blood sustaining and feeding it, and finally it will enter the world through the portal of my body, not hers. So perhaps we are both birth mothers? And both birth others?
I think what I'm getting at, in my usual round about sort of way is this: If I reduce her to cells, or just turn her into parts, I can much much more easily put aside my own mourning. If she is real, if she is a mother of a sort, an 'other' mother, then my illusion that there is no one between me and my child is deflated. Now maybe, this isn't your illusion. I don't know. But I know for myself, part of what made the selection process so hard was that I couldn't find my whole self out there ready to donate her eggs. So I did the next best thing: I picked someone I liked, and who shared enough in common with me physically to give the child a chance at the illusion that we all belong together physically. And sure, if I'd adopted, or if I adopt, that isn't a luxury I'll have the illusion of entertaining.
So I suppose I'm mourning the baby who could 'pass'; another illusion to retire, another baby to say goodbye to.
What I am really looking forward to is the very good chance that there will a baby to say hello to instead of goodbye to.