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Sock it too Me 2009!

« I wish I could chalk it up to PMS | Main | I'm starting to see the appeal of arranged marriages, oops I mean arranged donor matches »

February 07, 2010


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I'm sorry this is all so hard. I know the feeling about feeling both like an utter failure, but also disbelieving - I'm not that old, why are all my eggs such crap?!?

If it helps at all, once I really bought into (literally - yowza, what a check to have to write!) the DE thing, it stopped feeling like a last-ditch effort and started feeling like my very best chance of having a baby. Which felt good and which took a lot of pressure off me that I hadn't even realized I'd been feeling.

And I hope that the pain goes away. My mom has fibromyalgia and it's a sucky, sucky thing. Thinking of you.


I remember the feeling of writing the check for our final IVF - it was after the BFN of that cycle - and that check drained our savings. It was so horribly demoralizing.

I am sorry that DE cycles are so expensive - yet another male/female unfairness (sperm is so plentiful and relatively cheap to buy).

I hope you continue to find relief from your physical pain.


Hang in there - it is so awful to feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel and that's where IF puts us so much of the time. Sorry you had to ask for money, but I think you are completely justified in getting the best donor possible. If I had done that my first cycle instead of going with the only available one at our clinic, I might not be on DE cycle #4!!! For crying out loud.

Take care, it will get better.


it sucks that none of this can ever lead up to one of those evil and coy facebook bombs. I still cringe when my friends do the pg announcements at like 5 weeks along...blah
The borrowing money- I know it was hard- but I am SO SO SO glad that you did it. You can now find a donor that will be just right.
thinking of you lots.


You know that you did the right thing, and don't need a lecture, but I can't help but say that you DID do the right thing in asking you dad for money. It's so hard to ask (been there, done that), but that really is what families are for. I'm positive that your dad would rather have a happy daughter and a grandchild than some money. I also get the whole loss of autonomy/adulthood feeling. Been there too. Sucks.

I'm glad to hear that there is a donor out there who looks a bit like you. I hope that she checks out with your RE. I think you're so smart to be sure to pick a donor that you're happy with.

I also know what you mean about disbelief. My OLDER sister is pregnant with an oops. She's 42. I cried for about three hours when I found out.

I didn't know you had fibro. That sucks too. I hope you feel better soon.


So much going on, so much to comment on! First of all, your therapist really is smart, losing your donor really is another loss. I'm so happy for you that you have found a therapist who seems get it.

I'm also glad that you're not forcing yourself to like that final donor at your clinic. If it doesn't feel right, definitely don't go for it on something as important as this. Especially when you have another donor who sounds very promising at the smaller agency.

I know borrowing money for your parents might seem final, but I can't imagine there's anything else they rather help fund than helping their daughter attain her dream and possibly gaining a grandchild.

Finally, go for that work project. It'll distract you for a while and even when you get pregnant, you won't begrudge yourself the extra money. You'll probably be tired and possibly nauseous and all that, but you'll never be happier to feel like crap, so you can do it!

You've got so many balls in the air right now, hon, and you're handling it like a champ.


Sorry to hear that it was painful on many levels to borrow money from your father for DE, but glad that he had it to give and did so without demanding some kind of justification. I do hope he understand that it takes more than money to succeed and that you, yourself, will not be sitting by idly waiting for a DE pregnancy to just happen (wouldn't that be nice?). You've invested so much of yourself in this effort already, and have so much riding on DE that the financial aspect sometimes seems like a rude slap in the face.

Good luck with the donor selection, and I hope this is your silver bullet!


I know this is a hard place to be... I wish I had something other than my thoughts to offer, but they are with you... Wherever that takes you.


. . . but it just seems impossible. Impossible that my eggs are this bad. I just can't figure out why I can't accept it. There is a loud screamy part of me that says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are fine, this is crazy!"

I still feel this way. I can't believe it even though 4 fresh cycles with my eggs failed and a fresh (and so far) frozen worked with DE. It must have been just luck.

I hope things get better.


You are on the edge of making/accepting a huge decision that will be a game changer, not even breathing comes easily. It's ok to feel all these emotions, but truly i'm sure your father is so happy to help in achieving this most precious dream. I don't have my dad in my life, but know the love and commitment he has shown you, becuase after losing Daniella we were not quite sure what our options were, but my mother offered to carry a pregnancy for me if that would do the trick. It made me sad to think (at the time) that i would lose the chance of carrying my baby, so I know (to an extent) where you are coming from.

After Daniella died I lost my job and then we almost lost our home in a period of 6 months - so um yeah i've looked down the barrel of a gun and it is a bithc. This was a year and a half ago and slowly we have picked up the pieces and our future is different than what we imagined, but you know what? It's our future and we've fought for it together and i'll take it.

I wish you and your hubby strength on your journey as you two put together the pieces of your present that will result in your future.

Sincerest of hugs to you...

Lisa dg

I wish I could convince you not to be sad that you had to ask your dad for the money. When I was in the throws of my many an IVF cycle, I had to do the same humiliating thing. Remember that he wants a grandchild from you too. And he wants you to be happy.

As for the donor agency- you should be able to have someone on hold for a week to make an informed decision- that is BS! Understand that, even with the expense, if the donor's previous cycle ended in pregnancy and eggs to freeze, it was a good cycle. We get all freaked out on wanting to freeze a baker's dozen. It really does just take one.

I turn 42 this year and it hurts when I think of the time lost...the time spent on the journey. Don't get me wrong, the wait seems worth it now- but it does sadden me that all that time means less time on the back end being a mom to this baby. I guess what I am saying is that you need to feel good about the donor you choose, but please don't get too hung up on it and delay the ultimate end you seek.

I'm here cheering you on from the sidelines...sorry I haven't been in touch much lately.


Hi, just stumbled upon your blog. I have just completed a private egg donation (if you're interested in reading about it I'll attach my blog). It was a lot of hard work, but nothing you can't do on your own with a little help from your clinic coordinator. Save quite a bit of money and its more personal (if that's what you're into). As for borrowing money, well my parents have been with us all the way and have said "IF is a family problem." There are no grandkids for them so I might have a slight advantage there...they will stop at nothing. We're very broke though - line of credit maxed...but you do what you have to. Good luck with your search for the right donor! Hang in there.

the good eggs

I'm proud of you for going for that new project. I am bad about pausing other parts of my life for something that I can only assume is coming. In fact, I'm doing the sort of work I do now because of that continual pausing I did earlier in life. You're much better off working and waiting than just waiting.

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