Oh wait, I can, but it doesn't usually hit this early.
I am a grumpy, angry mess.
My back, which went out, was in, and then went out in nearly the same way on Sunday, and is still out, and pretty painful. Because of my schedule, and some non negotiable items on it, I can't see my osteopath until Thursday.
I was curt with a friend of my mother's who offered me condolences on my miscarriage. I just couldn't be gracious. I just couldn't. I was probably more gracious than I know, but I felt like losing my shit, and then she offered me some weird remedy. I just cut her off, I don't need any more helpful suggestions about how to get my body to do something it is just not going to do.
And I'm feeling jealous. Really jealous. You know you've been at the IF game for a long time when you are jealous of other people, whose numbers look WAY worse than yours, continuing to do cycles, or saying their not going stop or whatever. I don't know if it's really jealousy, I guess it's just being sort of nuts. Of course everyone get's to do what they want to do, and just because I've stepped off that particular train, doesn't mean jack. If we had more time or money, I could probably do a lot more IUI's, and one might work. Or it might not. Or might, and it might turn out badly. So yes, this is our choice, and it makes sense, but I think getting ready to cross this bridge is bringing up all the last bits of yuck around this issue.
I think also, not being able to move directly into a cycle has disoriented me. This whole process of trying to get pregnant, by any means necessary, brings up such powerful issues of powerlessness. And in the DE process, we're coming up against that again. We have decided to put a hold on the donor we wanted, so pending the results from the cycle she's going to do in Feb or March (recipient may need to do a mock cycle, which will push it back), if she is still our number 1, and is medically cleared to cycle, she'll be our gal. We are also still thinking about other clinics and outside donors, but that all depends on asking others for help, which may or may not be available. So just more powerlessness, and having to rely on others for what many do with some or no thought at all. Yes, yes, I know, I'm feeling bitter,and being bitchy, but that is what I have today. Bitter and bitchy.
Also, one of our cats is quite ill. She's got toxoplasmosis, and maybe something else. She's only 7 months old! WTF! and it seems like one of our other cats is developing the same illness, which may or may not be toxoplasmosis. Husband and I are getting tested as well, oy. I'm pretty sure if she dies from this, I'm going to lose my mind. I know, she's a cat, and cats die and blah blah blah, but REALLY! REALLY! A translocation? Miscarriages? 3 1/2 years of fucking futility. One cat dying when were on vacation,and another dying the morning we were going to take her to the vet (after they sent us home from the all night vet saying there wasn't too much wrong!!!!!!!!!). Husband and I are just frazzled trying to stay on top of her condition, and worrying about the next one to succumb. I can't go to sleep because I'm scared she'll die in the night.
I'm not an angry person, and I'm not a person who is comfortable being angry, so this is really uncomfortable for me.
I think when the coordinator told us that someone else had signed the donor we wanted, I just started to crumble. Whatever it was that was holding me together, crumbled. I know that bad things happen to good people, and all that, but at the moment, I'm feeling overwhelmed, and persecuted, and just exhausted. Oh, and no chance of a vacation to recharge, nope. Need to save all those ducats for our cycles. GRRR.