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Sock it too Me 2009!

« Thank You | Main | A couple of really nice things that happened yesterday »

December 20, 2009

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Sprogblogger

(thank you for the 'proceed with caution' warning, but you're not saying anything I don't tell myself DAILY. I know where you're at. Boy Howdy, do I know where you're at.)

I'm so sorry. And yeah, this is the worst time of the year to have to deal with this. Not that there's a good time, but in December, it's all about the family, all about the baby. And it sucks especially-much for those of us who want to be there, in family-land, so badly.

I'm hoping that genetic testing will give you some answers you can use to make your next set of decision, but I really hope that your brain gives you a break in the next few weeks. You're a strong woman and I really believe you'll make it through to motherhood with your sense of self, your sense of wholeness regained. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much every time you have to pick up the pieces and start gluing them back together again. Thinking of you.

meinsideout

I hope the testing provides some answers. This just sucks and it is shitty anytime but especially over the holidays and I am just so sorry.

I hope you got your tree. It has been tough for us over the years but having a decorated tree always makes me feel better.

Fuck. I wish that there were better words but I hope you know that you are not alone.

Jill

The unknown is really hard, isn't it? It would be worth going through it all if you knew the ending. And you are being very brave, putting together some sort of holiday for the two of you. I hope you find some peace this season.

NoodleGirl

The progesterone crash after my most recent D&E was my worst day in 3 years of TTC, by far. Things didn't feel great for about 6 weeks after that, but the day of the crash was abominable and oh-so-bleak. I hope that was the lowpoint for you too, and that things get a little bit better each day.

I also hope you get some answers from the chromosomal analysis, but I know what you mean about not being sure what to do next regardless of the answer. At some point it doesn't really matter what the reason is, you just don't want to go through it again and if DE promises a reprieve from this horrible cycle of crappiness, then it's almost a welcome change at this point. The tempering of hope is tough, though, as DE seems like a holy grail when you get to that point. I always feel like I'm going to be on the short end of the statistics too. But some way, somehow, this will work one day - I still believe that.

I hope you were able to decorate today and that the twinkle of the lights but a little sparkle back in your eyes.

BTW, I've done the cats on the photo Christmas card thing for the past two years. While people love them, now when I hear from friends whom I don't talk to often, I always get "how are the cats?" from them, which is so depressing because I obviously want the question to be "How are the kids?". So, we skipped the cats on the card this year and are going with bland New Year's cards. Yet another way TTC has killed our festive spirit a bit. The cats are glad they don't have to dressed in elf costumes again, though. No, I'm not kidding.

Michele

Oh Sarah... My heart is broken with you. I just want to make this better. Give you something to get back your faith... Give you a reason... I so wish that I could.

Thinking of you.

Eva

Sarah, I feel like I can relate to your post on so many levels, but the part that made me laugh at loud was the bit about the holiday cards. Obviously, I'm very happy for my friends who were able to conceive and have children, but it's hard to open envelope after envelope with the beautiful shining faces of their kids because it seems like a positive to my negative. I haven't been able to achieve the Holy Grail and it's hard to see someone else's achievement in the face of my failure. So I say, Amen.

Not On Fire

I am sorry for your loss.

a

Fuck would be my word of choice. I hope getting a tree has helped soothe you a little, as far as the holidays go. I hope the testing will give you some answers and peace.

I only use photo cards because I'm lazy. Otherwise, I would feel compelled to write a personal note in each card, and I just don't care enough!

Heather

I'm just so sorry you are hurting this much. My heart is aching for you and your DH. I hope you do find your faith, but I understand how hard that is in all of this. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

poppycat

I linked over from the Egg Drop and just wanted to offer you my support. I've been there and I'm sorry you are there now. There are few places that are worse to be. Very few. Wishing you strength and peace.

Summer

Your therapist needs to talk to more infertiles. I was in that lucky 80% and I STILL do not trust my body.

You have every right to feel a little angry and bitter. A lot angry and bitter even. And you have every reason to.

Every thought and emotion you have written in this post, I have also felt. I wish I could look into the future and tell you how this all turns out for you. What I can tell you is that if you get to your child, this broken-ness and emptiness you feel will not be the same all-consuming feelings you have now. You may be reminded of these feelings but you will not be a broken, sad shell of a mother. You will just be a mother.

T

I am so sorry for all you are going through.. It is just not fair.. be kind to yourself as hard as it is.. I know no words are the right ones right now.. but thinking of you..

Kami

But oddly not for the baby itself, the way I did for Sparky, who seemed so real, so inevitable, but for all the faith I've lost; for all the time that has passed; for all of the fear I have about all of the next steps; and most of all, my fear that I'll never recover.

Yes. Exactly. Not to make Ernest's short life seem trivial, but it often seems that it was the 4 years after his death and before LB's conception that took a greater toll. Maybe not as big of a loss - but so many more smaller ones.

Kate

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to chime in I'm thinking of you. it's just not fair.

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