Why pregnancy training wheels? Well, we did our first home insemination on the 2nd of August, and it feels to me like I am practicing 'being pregnant'. Or maybe, practicing being 'normal' about the idea of being pregnant. I was only a little bit of a wreck leading up to the LH surge, which happened nicely on Day 11, meaning a day 12 ovulation, which for a day 10 ovulator like me, is practically just like a 'normal' lady. I tried out testing in the afternoon, but it was a big fat fail. I was trying it out under the assumption that if I was doing a home insemination, I'd want to try to have a better idea of which 24 to 36 hours to aim for, but me and the afternoon testing were not a match. So, bright and early on August 1, I finagled myself an ultrasound and found that I had an egg on each ovary, both mature, and a lining over 7, which for me is like a lining of 8 for a regular lady. I decided to do the the trigger shot, and I absolutely know I ovulated between 10 and 12 Sunday. The pain was unmistakable. Next day I started the endo.metrian. Much better than the greasy ones I did last year, but they do make for a runnier than usual undercarriage. Ahem.
I am so glad that we did a home insemination. It was like a pregnancy would be a bonus, but the real process has been being able to practice how it would feel to be pregnant, using donor sperm. And I must say, I'm pleasantly surprised at how it feels. I'm also surprised at how little I think about it being DS. I have found myself day dreaming about our future baby, and remembering about 3/4 of the way through that we used the DS. Ahh. What a relief. I was worried I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it.
Overall, I'm thinking that I'm not pregnant. I am definitely having the progesterone side effects of slowed digestion (raging heartburn and nausea after lunch and until bedtime), but no breast changes. However, I'm not feeling too freaked out by this. Actually I'm not feeling freaked out at all. I think that is why I said "pregnancy training wheels". It feels to me as if I am practicing what it would feel like to be pregnant, emotionally. And I must say, I wish I'd felt this way 3 years ago. Yeesh. So many years lost to anxiety, without even an appetizer of excitement and joy. As bad as I feel about this for myself, I feel even worse about this for Husband. He was normal and excited 3 years ago, and I was a wreck. Better late than never?
What does the future hold? Well, in the immediate term, it holds a pregnancy test on the 16th, though I may just POAS for the heck of it, and an IVF as soon as my period shows up during the week of the 17th. We decided to push ahead and do the IVF in August, and then if it doesn't work, we'll be ready to move on. Moving on may mean a few IUI's, or it may be donor eggs, or it may mean IUI's while we search for the right donor.
About donor eggs, well, oddly enough, I'm back to cruising around DE sites and looking at Donors. Why? Well, I'd like to be ready if the IVF doesn't work (or it works and I miscarry, way to be positive, eh?), and I'm the type of person who likes to be emotionally prepared. One of the disadvantages of my emotional style is that I'm not all that good at repressing, even when it might make me feel a bit better, but the good part is, I'm usually ready to do what it is I'm doing because I've been processing it for so long before I get there!
On Friday I logged in to my clinic's database and started looking at donors. I looked at one that I'd bypassed before and realized that she has eyes very similar to my husband's, but blue. She looked like my cousin's husband (but blond), and most oddly, what I thought our daughter would look most like. Isn't that funny? I'm looking for my husband's characteristics in the egg donor, when I already looked for them in the sperm donor...But I've never seen a picture of him. I have the clinic's word that there is a resemblance, but still, I loves me some Husband, and his eyes are especially beautiful.
What surprised me the most was how excited I felt. And how sad I felt when I remembered that our IVF might work, and that we may not have a DS/DE baby at all. For me, that was such a reassuring and exciting moment. I'm ready. I'm ready for our baby, however she or he comes to us.