The day I wrote that last post, we found out that our other older cat (Zoe's brother), has, in addition to his heart condition, cancer of the iris. Yeesh. Husband and I were both just flattened. We had finally started to feel like things were, if not looking up, at least not looking down. And then we got this news, and there went Hawaii. Pfffffffffffftttttttt.
He was angry, and I just sat and read blogs and wept. It was a real live pity party. We ordered pizza, drank expensive tequila, and fell asleep on the couch.
And since then, it's been...kind of the same, but without the pity party and the tequila.
We have figured out a local cheapish vacation we can do, but it will not the be same as Hawaii.
In reproductive news I got my FSH and E2 results back: FSH 6.5 and E2 38. And then I proceeded to ovulate on day 11. Geeze. That got me all wound around the axel again. I finagled an ultrasound (diagnostic, so the insurance will pay for it!) and I had a 19 m follicle on the left and a 6.0 lining. Not bad for me, lining wise, but it makes me wonder if a home insemination has a chance to work...ugh. the endless swirling leaves me wrapped around the axel.
I was only tracking so that I could have a sense of how well the fertility monitor was working with the DHEA, and so we could plan our home insemination (not an IUI! Just putting the goods in the vag and laying around for a while), which in turn screwed up our vacation timing. We have to come home earlier so we can get the sperm from the sperm bank before they close for the weekend. Oy.
Yesterday at therapy I was just wallowing in how fucked up I am about all of this; exhausted by being a good soldier and trying hard and all that crap. I think my therapist is even tired of me.
One thing I find really difficult is confiding in my friends. Its as if I want to be 'all better' and then talk to them, but that is along damn way off, and they are often quite helpful! Today I talked with a friend who has 18 month old and a 4 year old, and it was so good to let all sorts of things tumble out, and to find out that in many ways what I'm worried about is normal, but amplified, but normal nonetheless.
I do want to figure out how to be more positive--sometimes I wonder if the negativity is a crutch or a...habit? Not sure, but in someway I feel helpless to manage it, and that leaves me feeling hopeless.
BUT! Today I accepted and invitation to do something really good for my career in October, and I paid all the bills in my inbox and worked on the 'lowest hanging fruit' in terms of a part of my job I've been letting slide. Progress! One of my best friends since college is coming to town tomorrow, and we have plans for a seriously deep, girl talk extravaganza. And girl do I need it. And in one month we'll do our at-home-insemination, and that is pretty cool too.