I got a text from a close friend today saying she wanted to talk to me, we agreed on a time, and then when I called, she didn't answer. No biggie. I figured she just wanted to do some girl talk, and we'd connect over the weekend. Fast forward about an hour, and she calls me back. She says "I have some news, but are you sitting down." Now, she's had a hysterectomy and her husband has had a vasectomy, so I knew she wasn't going to tell me she was pregnant. I thought maybe one of our mutual friends had died or something. Nope. Her mom who is a social worker on in a small community had a client who wanted to put up her third child for adoption.
That was the feeling I had inside of myself. Not a clunk of happiness or even of dread, but just a clunk.
I talked to her for the remainder of my ride home, and got some facts (boy, 1 month old, no drug or alcohol exposure, length of time mother had been thinking of putting him up for adoption, where he was now [foster care]). In my gut I knew that this wasn't...right for us, and not right now, but geeze. No one had ever offered me such a clear chance at a baby before, and I felt a bit giddy and whirly.
I came in and presented the idea to husband,and he was, as I was, sure that this was not where we were.
It showed me that I'm (and we're) not ready to move on from having a chance at a genetic child, or at the least a gestated/biological child. Wow. Weird.