Wedged between a rock and hard place

It has been sort of rough around here for a few days.  I am fully aware that it is an anniversary reaction, but that doesn't mean I'm any less impacted.

One year ago, our little Sparky was already gone, but we didn't know it. On July 3rd we went for our 8 week ultrasound, and his heart had stopped beating.  The silence was the loudest sound I've ever heard.

This morning I dreamed that a mother called her doctor and said "I think my baby is dead".  I thought, in the dream, "A mother knows when her baby is dead. I didn't know Sparky was dead." In dream logic, I managed to demote myself on the basis of something completely ridiculous. When I woke up my husband said "Are we going to light a candle for Sparky today?' and I lost it, and just cried and cried. I think I've been trying not to cry, or trying to find the right time to cry since Sunday. Silly huh--all this stored up sadness.

I really thought  we would have a baby by now. I know that now we know why, the translocation, but argh. It doesn't change that yet another year has passed with no progress on the real live baby front, and I'm getting just exhausted from pushing the boulder uphill. That isn't to say that we don't need this time to sort through the donor sperm stuff, but still.

This August will mark 3 years since we started TTC.

On Saturday it occurred to me that I've lost all the weight I gained since the miscarriage, but I'm still lugging around the weight I gained between when we started TTC and the miscarriage. It isn't a huge amount (5 to 8 pounds), but somehow it just feels like more than I can deal with to get it off, but alas, it needs to come off. I know that I don't need to be hard on myself, but it just feels like one more thing I can't get myself together to do.

I'm really behind in one aspect of my job, and it makes me feel really stressed to not do it, and really stressed to do it. Ugh.

Also, tomorrow is one month from when my Sweet Zoe died.  Maybe the dream was about her too--maybe I'm still beating myself up for not knowing she was dying, not checking on her more (during the whole 4 hours I slept that night...)

A very close friend is angry with me, but she won't return my calls or emails, so I can't even work it out with her. So I miss her, and I need her, but I can't get to her. 

I went for a day three blood draw (FSH and E2) yesterday--that was nerve-wracking too. I'm hoping that the DHEA is holding down the FSH, but if it isn't , we need to move on to IVF/DS but quick. Ugh. 

What is going well:

My husband is awesome

We are probably going to Hawaii for 10 days or two weeks at the end of July/beginning of August

Spogblogger has a sky high second Beta

Kami's frozen embryo made it transfer

We have 4 vials of frozen sperm

My remaining kitties are healthy and pesky

My friends twin babies are healthy and gaining weight, and I get to be "Auntie Sarah"

I ordered 2 sundresses from Kohl's that I'm excited about

Because of the Pilates work I've been doing, the chubb rubb between my thighs is diminished

I got my haircut yesterday

Dinner is in fridge

I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for my cleaning, and because of my excellent dental hygiene (Floss!) I will get positive feedback on my gums

I'm going to buy myself yet another beautiful variety of Peony

Excellent tomatoes from the produce market

Practically a day of grace entry there at the end!

Comments

[Michele]

Oh sweetie... Sending you big hugs during this time of year. I still cry around the anniversaries of my miscarriages, and I think it is completely normal that you are feeling this way. Even though it hurts. The kids' birthdays are a little easier because I can hold onto those memories through the pain, but it still is such an ache... I wish that I could be there to cry with you. Know that I'm sending you a big hug and thinking of you and Sparky and Zoe today.

[Sprogblogger]

Oh I'm so sorry. Anniversaries are the worst. Thinking of you today, and very glad you're able to remember some of the good things in your life. It does help, I think, over the long run.

[Kami]

I'm sorry all these anniversaries are crashing together. These are hard times.

You didn't nothing wrong. Please be gentle with yourself.

[geohde]

I am so sorry. Anniversaries of loss are especially hard when you're stuck in the trenches, still.

It is unfair.

xx

g

[meinsideout]

((HUGS))

[Bee Cee]

Anniversaries are so tough. We are all thinking of you. Let's hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel for us all soon.