It has been sort of rough around here for a few days. I am fully aware that it is an anniversary reaction, but that doesn't mean I'm any less impacted.
One year ago, our little Sparky was already gone, but we didn't know it. On July 3rd we went for our 8 week ultrasound, and his heart had stopped beating. The silence was the loudest sound I've ever heard.
This morning I dreamed that a mother called her doctor and said "I think my baby is dead". I thought, in the dream, "A mother knows when her baby is dead. I didn't know Sparky was dead." In dream logic, I managed to demote myself on the basis of something completely ridiculous. When I woke up my husband said "Are we going to light a candle for Sparky today?' and I lost it, and just cried and cried. I think I've been trying not to cry, or trying to find the right time to cry since Sunday. Silly huh--all this stored up sadness.
I really thought we would have a baby by now. I know that now we know why, the translocation, but argh. It doesn't change that yet another year has passed with no progress on the real live baby front, and I'm getting just exhausted from pushing the boulder uphill. That isn't to say that we don't need this time to sort through the donor sperm stuff, but still.
This August will mark 3 years since we started TTC.
On Saturday it occurred to me that I've lost all the weight I gained since the miscarriage, but I'm still lugging around the weight I gained between when we started TTC and the miscarriage. It isn't a huge amount (5 to 8 pounds), but somehow it just feels like more than I can deal with to get it off, but alas, it needs to come off. I know that I don't need to be hard on myself, but it just feels like one more thing I can't get myself together to do.
I'm really behind in one aspect of my job, and it makes me feel really stressed to not do it, and really stressed to do it. Ugh.
Also, tomorrow is one month from when my Sweet Zoe died. Maybe the dream was about her too--maybe I'm still beating myself up for not knowing she was dying, not checking on her more (during the whole 4 hours I slept that night...)
A very close friend is angry with me, but she won't return my calls or emails, so I can't even work it out with her. So I miss her, and I need her, but I can't get to her.
I went for a day three blood draw (FSH and E2) yesterday--that was nerve-wracking too. I'm hoping that the DHEA is holding down the FSH, but if it isn't , we need to move on to IVF/DS but quick. Ugh.
What is going well:
My husband is awesome
We are probably going to Hawaii for 10 days or two weeks at the end of July/beginning of August
Spogblogger has a sky high second Beta
Kami's frozen embryo made it transfer
We have 4 vials of frozen sperm
My remaining kitties are healthy and pesky
My friends twin babies are healthy and gaining weight, and I get to be "Auntie Sarah"
I ordered 2 sundresses from Kohl's that I'm excited about
Because of the Pilates work I've been doing, the chubb rubb between my thighs is diminished
I got my haircut yesterday
Dinner is in fridge
I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for my cleaning, and because of my excellent dental hygiene (Floss!) I will get positive feedback on my gums
I'm going to buy myself yet another beautiful variety of Peony
Excellent tomatoes from the produce market
Practically a day of grace entry there at the end!