Dreams and False Alarms

The road not traveled, heck the road hardly even considered

Today I am going to tell you what I'm really thinking. These thoughts are pretty shocking to me, and do not constitute a decision, but are very much at the top of my mind.

I'm thinking about not having children at all. That's right, Ms "gonna be a mom no matter what" is considering the childfree option.

The tremendous drive I have had over the last 10 years, and especially in the last 3 to become a parent/mother no matter what the obstacles, is waning.  I find myself wondering if I want to do it: do I want to dive in to the world of donor eggs and/or adoption, or do I want something else?

I have been so wound around this idea of being a mother, in part to heal myself in relation to my own mothering, but also from a visceral level, that this feeling of saying "no" is a relief and kind of frightening. I don't think anyone is taking me seriously, but today as I sat in a crowded dining room, I thought "I could go to Peru again, or Thailand. I could dive into that intensive training that I'm so interested in. I could starting singing again. I could spend time with my wonderful husband." and on and on.

I imagine that some of this is coming up because my last IVF with my eggs is around the corner (about 10 days away to be exact), and at the end of this cycle, if it works and I don't miscarry, the die will be cast.  If it doesn't I'll need to make a decision; one of the biggest of my life. 

From a mental health perspective, it seems like I'm embracing the full range of options--always a good sign, but this is so scary to think about, good thing I have that nice lady to talk to on Tuesday.

Well, waddaya think?

What I did on my vacation from IVF

If you've gotten here from Kami 's blog, and are looking for my big post on processing the egg donor process, I've decided to take it down, but if you are intersted, please email me, and I'll be happy to send it along to you privately.  I'm planning to use it in another venue, and I think it will be confusing to have it on my blog. Thank you to everyone who has read it and posted a comment, and to all of you who have read it and taken some comfort in it, or found yourself inspired to think things through from yet another vantage point.

 

Moratorium

I think it is hard to post from this limbo because for me, posting is so often about working through, or making choices, and at the moment, I find myself in a fertility/mothering moratorium.  I mean that in the strictest identity development sort of way: trying on different identities, without making any commitments.  I've been trying on the DE baby mama identity, the "Finally pregnant on the last IVF" identity, the...gasp...childless Pilates devotee identity, the fierce worker bee identity, and last but not least the "I have no idea with the next 45 years will be like" identity.  All feel equally as interested in all of them at the moment. I know that the childless one isn't going to happen, but it feels to me like whatever the next step is, being able to try that one on frees me in a way that not trying it on won't. Kapish? 

I may not be around much this month. This is my last month until I step back onto the platform to catch that train to Crazyville, and frankly I'm gonna enjoy the heck out of it.