Its been a while since my last post. At this point, I think I can manage a post a week. Gone are the heady days when I had something that needed to be said daily--gone are the days when I could bare to think about infertility daily.
Monday would have been Sparky's due date. As is my style, the two days leading up to it were awful (cranky on Sat, and a weepy mess on Sunday), but Monday, was ok. My husband had a business trip from Sunday through Wednesday, and strangly enough, it couldn't have come at a better time. One of my friends reflected to me that sometimes it is better to go through these things alone, but it is so hard to know the right time to do it. The stars aligned, and it was the right time. I just simply did whatever I needed to do, and I didn't take a moment to think about anyone else. My husband is a wonderful compantion, and wouldn't have made any sort of demands on me, but for some reason, after the crying stopped, I was able to be focused, and it was very restful. He's back now, and I'm ready for some company, but we could sure use a vacation.
I had my progesterone checked on day 21, and it was 8. Enough to signal that I'd ovulated, but not a high number. The last time I'd had it checked (2007), it was 13 without clomid and 21 with clomid, so hmmm. We're going to see the newest doctor in the practice today; Dr Calm is on vacation. Psudonym to follow. We're doing an antral follicle count, and I'm going to ask her about my lining, but this close to the end of my cycle, I'm not sure what that would tell us. I think I'm suffering from data withdrawl.
Here is my (not so) secret wish: I'd like to do a monitored IUI with a trigger shot. Or timed intercourse with a trigger shot. I guess I must secretly want the mindfuck of the trigger shot. Here is why I want this: I want to know if the DHEA is affecting my response in any measurable way. Are my eggs getting large enough? Is my lining growing appropriately? Could I get pregnant with an IUI? I think I must also be suffering from Drama Withdrawl. I'm also going to ask her about the drinking a quart of milk thing that BeeCee is doing.
As I alluded to in my last post, my husband suggested that we may want to wait an extra month, just to give the DHEA more time to work. It seems that the internet agrees that 4 months is the minimum amount of time you need to take it to get the best results. And I do want the best results, but I also want something now. Feeling a bit like Veruca Salt.
I am not actully crazy at the moment, but sometimes I think the effort to keep the crazy under control is very hard. Like Veruca, "I want it now!", and in the craziest part of myself, I would steal a squirrel (novel), or a goose laying the golden eggs (movie). But alas, my inner Veruca is chained up, only to come out at therapy, where I let the nice lady help me with all these bad scary feelings.
It is not easy to be grumpy and cranky. I am not usually a grumpy, cranky person. It feels very disorienting to feel greedy, petty, angry and irritable.
And yet, a small aprt of me would like unleaseh my inner Veruca:
Just substitute baby, and I think you get the picture:
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now
Now if that isn't a prayer for the deep down crazy in me, I don't know what is.