Hey y'all! I'm sorry for the long silence, but between needing to just repress for a little while, and actually being busy at work, I didn't have the space to write.
After the IVF tanked, I started checking out Donor Egg sources hard core. I got into email contact with at least 3 agencies, my clinic included, and started looking at the, uh, options? Merchandise? What is the correct address for this activity? It does feel like shopping, and it is creepy.
This is, by far, one of the oddest things I have ever done.
I am not usually a jealous person, I trust my husband, and he is very trustworthy, but there are moments when I feel like he is going to have a baby with another woman, and it freaks me out! He does not even know what I am talking about--it just doesn't make any sense to him. Before we know what was the issue (as if we really know for sure now...) a couple of people in my family offered to be surrogates, and he felt like that was awfully creepy, and that we would be raising their baby--even if it was our genetic child. So he comes at this from a pretty different place.
Also, as a fan of mini-series and made for TV movies I think I have seen way to many movies when the wife is dying,and she is trying to find a replacement wife for her husband. It's like I see the scene play out, and I'm supposed to be dead, but I'm not, and I'm raising the new wife's baby. Oy. Again, husband thinks this is ridiculous. However, he did say he could imagine having some of these feelings (but not as flagrantly), if we were using a sperm donor.
It seems like when I'm just having a relationship with the potential donor, and he isn't a part of it, it's comfortable, but I don't know how to have him there and not feel pushed out--as if he would rather have a fertile wife. Again, my fantasies. He wants me, and to have children with me, and to him whhile the loss of my genetic piece is a loss, it isn't the whole thing for him.
There are times when I get really excited about a donor, and I start to imagine the process, and then it hits me what I'm doing, and I flip out a little inside. It's like shopping for a wheelchair, and getting excited about the wheelchairs, and then all of the sudden realizing your are going to be in a wheelchair. Ya know?
I find myself getting to be ok with it, and then I wake up in the morning and say "but I don't want to do this this way! I just want my genetic child" And that freaks me out. I imagine someone will feel compelled to mention, I am getting ahead of myself, we do have one more cycle. But trust me, this is my process, I could have just as easily named this blog "Getting Ahead of Myself".
So this is kind of disjointed, and it doesn't really capture the texture of this experience, but I think this is as deep as I can go. I really really need to continue coping,and functioning and holding onto the fertile parts of myself that have nothing to do with my ovaries--otherwise I'm gonna be a sloppy mess until the next cycle.
Oh, and I guess I'm avoiding thinking about how Sparky's due date would be a month from now. Yeah, I'm just not gonna go there.
Thanks so much for coming by, even though I've been kinda awol.