Well, that was...interesting. Yeesh, for a gal who likes her anesthesia, I've been getting a lot lately. It seems that June was the only month since May that I didn't have any!
I called Dr Calm on Monday, I just couldn't shake the fear that something else was wrong. But she calmly listened to my fears and assured me that since my beta was 3, and unless I was filling a pad every 1/2 hour or so, that my cycle would kick in and the estrogen would stop the bleeding. Well, lo and behold, she was right! Today the bleeding is darker and sparser, and my uterus is less sore, and I can imagine that people might want to use their vag.inas for something other than bleeding out of.
I'm getting excited about the IVF. There is absolutely no fear of the unknown--just of a negative beta. I've been through the whole megilla, and survived, so it's less daunting overall.
The specter of a negative beta has become more daunting. After this, we only have one more chance at a fully genetic child. Egg donation, while a really attractive option, is still a loss of this dream. The dream is plenty meaningful and valid, but at it's worst, it seduces me into thinking all of my wounds will be healed by having 'my own' baby.
Yesterday, I sat across from my wonderful therapist, who gets more credit on this blog than in person and she pointed out to me that my belief that a fully genetic child won't suffer what I suffered with my parents is faulty. Essentially, I was a fully genetic child,and because of the state my mother was in (raw grief over losing my 14 year old brother in car accident), and her abiding ambivalence about motherhood and marriage, she couldn't unambivalently welcome me to the world, and that is the wound I want to heal through having 'my own' child. What I'm working on today is that wounds can heal, but that my mother couldn't claim me when i was inside,and she couldn't claim me when I was outside, and that is why the wound is so raw. No matter how a child comes to me I can welcome them, without reservation, and that will be grand reckoning of my wound, without the magical thinking that wants me to believe that the only way out is a total do-over.
So here I stand, waiting for the next cycle to pass, and the known quantity of the IVF to begin.
In the mean time I'm going to:
- Swim at least 3 times a week (once the bleeding fully stops, that is)
- Try Dr Oz's green drink
- Go on a short vacation to the coast with my husband
- Paint the doors in my hallway (only two are done, after 4 years in this house)
- Finish all my paperwork before I leave on Sunday
- Have a labor day BBQ, and finally have the ribs and coleslaw I missed on for the 4th of July
Not bad for a week from major blood loss...oy