I did something really odd this morning. I took a pregnancy test. I really have no reason to have done so. I just, uh, I'm not really sure. I was thinking about people who start to POAS at 10dpEr and do it every time they go to the bathroom up until their beta. And then a friend who has just jumped on the TTC carousel was talking about ordering cheap pregnancy tests from the Internet. But not me. I only POASed after my third Beta. Isn't that weird? You'd think with my insatiable thirst for data about what is going on under the hood, I'd be a big POASer. But alas, no. Oh, and the the test was negative. No big surprise. I've felt a little nauseas, a little sore of boob, but nothing significant. I guess I just wanted to try it out; the stakes are low inasmuch as I know that even without an HCG shot, I'd feel a little something by now. I guess they are also low because I really want my period to start, and to see a positive would be a huge surprise, and in someways more nerve wracking than just going ahead with the cycle. The big difference between IVF and unassisted is that you don't get an ultrasound every week--after last time I don't want to have to bite my nails until 8 weeks gestation.
Our closest couple friends are starting to TTC. I gave them my fertility monitor, told them about pre seed and even gave them an old bottle of clomid 'if it comes to that'. And on one hand I'm excited, and it is so exciting to see them so excited. And on the other hand I'm scared. What if this is another situation where they get pregnant, and we don't? It's not that it will be an unbearable tension, or that it will ruin our friendship, but it will be painful. And at the same time I want them to succeed! I want them to have a really easy time of it, and for their enthusiasm to result in a much wanted pregnancy. It is so uncomfortable. I feel jealous of their enthusiasm, because we are so beaten down by this process, and we were so out of sync in terms of enthusiasm at the start (husband=excited, me= freaked out.) Also because I'm being 'the little engine that could', and dammit, my coal is running low. To carry the train metaphor forward, I have been at the station for a long time, and the people who started here with me have gotten to their destination. I'll I've done was get on the train, and get back off. The other people who I know who started to TTC at the same time I did now have children over a year old, but they live far away, and I don't see them often. But these are the friends we celebrate thanksgiving with. I've been having a catered affair with her husband for over 8 years. They brought us dinner and a bag of movies after my embryo transfer. They have both been unrelentingly positive and supportive through this whole horrible experience. Needless to say, we are close. So ack. What to do? Obviously, give them all the support they've given us, and check my underwear, call when the day arrives, pick up my lupron, lay out my supplies and work those needles. Magic 8 ball? Please?
**Being the brave gal that I am, as well as wanting to avoid an awkward situation as well as attempting to maintain mental and emotional fitness, I emailed the second portion of this post directly to my friends. We had a meeting of the minds; they were feeling awkward and unsure of how to hold onto their excitement and to be sensitive to our pain. So now we are cool, and everyone gets to have all their feelings. Whew.