It's been a while since I posted, I hope no one was worried. Lots has been happening, all of if it positive, aside from a bit of brown spotting on Saturday, but I am not allowed to worry about that.
I have been really surprised at how 'sensation filled' pregnancy is, even at almost 8 weeks. I had an idea, not articulated of course, that I would get pregnant, be happy, wait to feel movement in the second trimester, and then get uncomfortable in the third trimester, and then feel labor pains etc.
Not so much.
There are cramps, little ones and big ones (one that was pretty intense on Friday, and probably the reason for the spotting on Saturday). As a mostly non cramping menstruater, this is vexing to me. I have to work really hard to not assign a worrisome meaning to every twinge.
And then there is the, uh, shall we say, engorgement and enlargement of the girl parts.
Last Monday I was sure I'd pulled a ligament on one side. I even went to the Chiropractor, because my groin felt a lettle odd. Chiro was helpful, but the odd sensation stayed, and then showed up on the other side and the distinct feeling of, shall we say, puffiness of the pu.bic area (front, not undercarriage) seems to have appeared. The sensations have abated, but the increased size has stayed.
Not to mention the weird nipp.le excretions, and the perpetually swollen look of the nips themselves.
Oh,and Friday I had my vanity handed to me on a platter: I have already begun to experience the dry eyes of pregnancy, and my left eye is looking like it has smoked a lot of ree.fer because it is so dry my contact lens is irritating the bejesus out of it. The eye doctor strongly recommends limiting the wearing of contact lenses. Ouch. As a life long (first grader that is) glasses wearer, I have the internal dork feelings whenever I wear them out of the house. Not so helpful.
On Friday I also got the news that I could stop taking the estrodial--level was around 3000, so no more blue goo for me!
Yeesh, Friday was a big day! I also....bought pregnant pants. With a panel and everything. A good friend, and mother of two, strongly recommended I buy a few good pieces I could wear a lot and not dork around with buying larger non-pregnant pants. Overall, the cost is lower to just buy the maternity pants. I got: jeans, 2skirts, and theset-shirts. The other shirts are too long at this point...and some maternity undies. I wore the undies last night,and they were muy comfy.
Of course, the next morning when I woke up to the spotting, I had a moment of magical thinking and thought "I shouldn't have bought those maternity clothes!" and then I reminded myself that maternity clothing (i.e. hope) does not cause miscarriage. Overall, it is the fear of the sadness I would feel if I did miscarry, and then came across these clothes and all it meant to finally buy them. But you know what, I am actually a tough cookie, and I could put them out of sight, and bear the sadness, and use them later. However that is NOT necessary. I just needed to replace the fantasy, ya know?
Today I am wiped. I spent the better part of yesterday making three one layer cakes for a party (I love to have a big project like that!), fully falling apart on the couch in the afternoon (crampy/sleepy, but got to cuddle with my lightest and most skittish kitty), and then had some rockin' pulled pork and slaw sandwiches at the party.
Husband is working away, sometimes swearing at the computer. We're out of milk, eggs and all the stuff that makes the pantry staples turn into meals.
I just want a burrito, but I'm trying to economize. Yeesh we ate out so much during the IVF and aftermath. Maybe I'll have the burrito anyway...
Last week I was worried about 'lack of symptoms.' It turns out I needn't have worried too much.
The peeing has begun. There's nothing quite so confusing as having to go pee less than an hour from the last time you did and having there only be a piddling amount; but what relief. Also, the reflux/heartburn is quite pronounced in the evening.
On Sunday we got home from new lease shopping (very disappointing day, Toy.ota doesn't really want to lease cars it seems, at least judging by the prices...) when I took my bra off I was not a happy camper. The sides of my breasts were so sore, I could hardly walk with any speed. Lest you think I was bra-less, I wasn't, but my bralette, which has seen me through 2 IVF cycles, is sorely lacking the structure needed to support these mighty bosoms. So I spent some times frantically searching the Internet and came up with this one. I ordered it and it's little sister (I can't quite believe this whole G-cup thing, honestly!)
I did a little frantic shopping, came up with a couple of shirts, ordered a denim skirt from Old N.avy and a couple of t-shirts from Gap, and I got two Bella bands. I'm hoping this will get me through until I'm dressing the bump, not the bloat.
***Bella band is not my favortite thing--even though I got the right size, even rolled down, it hits me in the diaphram (I'm short waisted). The Bell.a Mater.na bra was not a hit. The straps were set really wide, and I had to have them so short they were digging in to my shoulders. It is odd to me that a 34 band size would have shoulders that befit a linebacker. I am a 34G cup, not a 40 G! The search continues.
It was so hot yesterday that my husband and I escaped the heat by going to a movie theater (which also serves beer/wine and food). In the line for tickets my husband asked for a drinks bracelet and the guy behind him asked if I needed one too (I was standing off to the side), and I said in a super loud voice "none for me, I'm pregnant!" He said congratulations. I'm sure there was someone in the line who is infertile, but I can't bear to be one of those infertiles who apologizes for my pregnancy, its not fair to anyone (the infertile included).
The heartbeat made me so happy yesterday. I haven't poked my boobs in hours! The biggest symptom I have is that when I am hungry, I'm H-U-N-G-RY, and don't stand in my way. I figure that at this point I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
I need some "transition" clothes, because of the bloating and the, uh, eating. So if I can ever get my husband out of the house, I'm off to act like pregnant lady.
Today is the day for the exam where we must see a heartbeat. I've had some bad days this week, feeling convinced it wouldn't be there, and composing sad text alerts. But Thursday I talked to the IVF nurse who reminded me that my numbers were good on my betas (101, 270 1163) and that it was only 5 weeks 6 days on Monday. I also talked to my my big sister ( a champion gestator), and she remembered having the brown discharge with her pregnancies (often not trying, so she was always thinking her period was coming late, but then wouldn't' show up). Somehow, yesterday I just turned a corner. It finally was meaningful to me that being hopeless would not protect me from miscarriage, or magically make a non-viable heart begin beating. Soooooooooooooo..... -I got up at 7, started laundry, and now at about 11:30, I'm on the last few loads. -I cleaned off the kitchen table (mail purgatory) -drank my tea cold -drank my first 32 oz's of mineral water with grapefruit juice (less cramps with hydration!) -cleaned off my desk (filing and the like) -did some non ancient level shredding (I tend to let it build up) Now I'm going to shower so that I don't have to blow dry my hair in the hottest part of the day.
It's gonna be what its gonna be. I'll update tonight.
It's about 24ish hours before our next scan, where we must see the heart beat to be considered a viable pregnancy. I'm somewhere between zen like calm, and having horrible nightmares.
My sister was quite reassuring yesterday, she remembered having the brown discharge, which is a huge relief to hear. We are pretty similar physically (except that she has a very high pain tolerance and I notice every gust of wind), so that was really good to hear.
I was a champion drinker yesterday (of non-alcoholic beverages, of course), and that seemed to make my uterus much less crampy. I think I've been borderline dehydrated for a while now.
Two things that concern me: I do have to get up to pee in the night, but during the day I'm not really needing to pee all that much. Certain smells bother me (garlic, maple syrup, cigarette smoke, perfume), but other than that, I'm not too overwhelmed by scents.
Sorry for the lack of a juicy post, I'm keeping my sanity by not thinking too much.
The news is good so far. Since we are either 6 weeks 0 days or 5 weeks 7days (wow! ambiguity even when conceived in a lab!), they didn't' see the fetal pole or heartbeat, but we did see one well sized and well placed gestational sac and yolk sack. There is a very tiny bit that is likely the fetal pole,but it wasn't pulsing yet, but the doctor said that was fine.
We're going back on Friday for another. I hope that is long enough for the little heart to show up.
Today is the big day, and so far I'm holding steady. I'm sure I'll get really nervous in the parking lot, as usual.
I was thinking back to the day of my IUI in March and the woman who was in the waiting room awaiting her 6 week scan. She kept talking about it as the 'day we find out how many are in there.' That seems so luxurious to me. I'm too plagued with DBT (Dead Baby Thoughts) to ever utter that optimistic of a sentence.
When I took off my bra last night I was struck with fear. My breasts weren't very sore. All day I'd been worrying that they weren't sore enough. My heart started to beat fast in that way that makes it hard to lay down. I had a horrible nights sleep, and when I woke up at 3:30 to pee, I was wound so tight I didn't think I'd get back to sleep. My husband tried to hold me, but I feel un-holdable.
I'm composing the sad text I'll send to friends on Monday when we get the news that there is no heartbeat. I'm trying to compose a triumphant message when we do, but I can't shake this horrible feeling that it isn't going to turn out well.
My poor husband just wants me to be happy, and I do to, but some part of me is frantic to know if there is a real baby in there with a working heart.
I was talking to a friend on Monday and she said that during her pregnancies (maybe just her first?) she would get anxious about the baby, and wish that she was either living in a log cabin with no knowledge of everything that could go wrong, or she wished she was a horse, and just didn't have a fore brain to torment her with the knowledge of being pregnant and all the loss that is possible.