I just feel sad. Is it Embryo Transfer blues? I love the way I feel after the trigger shot, in short it is what I imagine it would feel like to be pregnant. As it wears off, the breasts are tender,but not as tender, the digestion is odd, but not as refluxy, no need to pee twice a night, and the sleepiness wears off too.
There is a huge part of me that just solidly believes this can't work. I know that is ridiculous, and should be disproven by the fact that it works for lots of people, some of whom I know in real life. But there is this horrible sinking fear that it won't work for me. That the most I can do is make a 6 day blastocyst in a laboratory, and then once it's inside of me it is just going to die. I'm not sure where this darkness comes from today, but it is making a really painful lump in my throat.
I can usually read my blogs and feel... reassured? Connected? Happy for them? But today I just feel like the only one at the party wearing jeans and everyone else has on a ball gown. Just left out, and unsure if I'll ever be invited.
During the last of my mindfuck cycles last year I had the image of trying to hold smoke in a jar with a piece of lace. You have the jar, you have the smoke, but not the thing which can really seal it in.
I know I am just having feelings, and that I don't know anything, but the heartbreak peeks over the edge, and it doesn't listen to reason or time.
In good news, my 12lb cat climbed on my chest early this morning and gave my breasts a deep probing--very painful.