Dreams and False Alarms

Wingeing my way through

Thanks for all the support on Tuesday. My smart therapist pointed out that 'losing' a donor is yet another miscarriage. That helped me so much. I was actually not too much of a wreck Wed through Friday. Husband and I had a good talk, and then I decided to start 'looking around'.  The big outside donor sources didn't really have any donors I was drawn to, so I looked at a smaller, sort of 'corner store' agency, and found that they are less expensive, and I found a donor who looks a bit like me, is 23, has done a previous cycle, and the cycle resulted in a pregnancy. The not so good thing was that she had 15 follicles, but only 4 mature eggs, all of which became embryos (two transferred, two frozen, day three).  The woman from the agency said that the doctor said he would use a different protocol next time.  She also said another donor had a similar cycle with that doctor, and then went to a, and I quote "better" doctor, and had much better cycles. So, the agency has sent the records they have, and the donor is going to request her actual records from the other clinic and our doctor will review them. I hope hope hope that we don't have the same effect on this donor of focusing our attention on her and then Blamo! someone else is willing to move faster, and were ass-out again.

I have tried and tried to want to use the one donor at our clinic who is left. But when I look at her, I just don't feel drawn to her. Of course, using an outside donor is more expensive, so yesterday I went and asked my father for money. He has it to lend, and understands why we need it, and in the grand scheme of things, it is a small amount of money. But to me, it felt like a defeat. I can't even get pregnant without my parents help. Yes rationally this is silly, but I am one of those people who feel things on a very symbolic level. It feels like a failure of generativity.  And yes, I know it is just money, and this is what family's do for each other, but still. To at least be able to pay for making your own child seems like not much to ask for. I have accepted that I will not make love to my husband and get pregnant, I have accepted that I will not get pregnant using IVF, I have accepted (sort of, more in a minute) that I need donor eggs to get pregnant. But to need money from them feels like a failure of this private act of making a child. It is odd, I have been able to handle having all these doctors and nurses and various other medical people in this experience with me, but somehow, involving my parents feels like a loss of autonomy.  I feel humiliated.  Utterly humiliated. To be clear, my father was nothing by kind and generous. But for me, it was a ding this piece of adulthood.

A friend a year younger than me posted an elliptical message on Facebook and asked people to guess, I guessed engaged, and someone else guessed pregnant. Turns out both are true. I didn't guess pregnant for a lot of obvious reasons, but also because she has always been ambivalent abut having children, I guess that's shifted.  I'm feeling a new wave of disbelief that this is what is real, this is what is happening. I am not going to use my eggs ever again.  It makes absolute sense in every direction to go to donor eggs, and frankly we can't afford to take any more time with my eggs, but it just seems impossible. Impossible that my eggs are this bad. I just can't figure out why I can't accept it. There is a loud screamy part of me that says "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are fine, this is crazy!" And then the part of me that can look at the evidence and say "Its time to move on"  Sort of like a relationship that is bad, but not awful, and you think "I could stay, I could go, is it better out there? Worse?"

I think that borrowing money from my parents also makes this seem final. This is it; it has to work. If it doesn't work, it will take time to gather up the resources to do the next thing, and we are getting older and older. My husband will be 40 in June and I'll be 40 in October.  How the fuck did that happen? How did we end up here with no money left , and no baby and looking down the barrel into this gun? It's sort of like when something bad happens, and there is a part of your brain that just wants to rewind and start over, and make it so that everything that just happened, never happened. For the most part I can stay in the present (not the moment, just 2010), but other times I feel like I'm reeling back 4 years and trying to find that juncture that would have taken us on a different path.

And then, I feel selfish and awful. My beautiful, smart, wonderful unique husband doesn't get to play this game the way I do. Sure, maybe someone else could have gotten pregnant with his translocation, maybe my eggs are just too fucked up, and someone else's would have done it, but no matter what, the likelihood that he would have had genetic offspring is low. And here I am wingeing because I don't get any more chances.

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In other news, I'm thinking of taking on a work project that will probably help me make some more money, but will also be a bit of a commute, and if I do get pregnant, I might not be in the best shape to do it, but for 3 years I've done as little as possible because I might be pregnant next month, and that has gotten me a whole lotta nowhere in my career.  In Sept I took on another project and have made wonderful connection that will probably serve my personal life and my career very well for years to come. And I did that because I was tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting to be pregnant. 

My back is getting a bit better, but it's still quite a mess. I've been taking a lot of Motrin, and it is helping with the inflammation.  I'm hoping I can go to a Pilates Reformer class next week. It's within our finical constraints (unlike working one on one with a trainer), and it is the only exercise I feel safe doing, and it works for my back and my looks. I haven't had a bad fibromyalgia flare up like this in a few years, and good lord, I had forgotten how exhausting it is to be in constant pain. The Motrin is really helping with the inflammation, as is using my pelvic floor muscles to stabilize my spine when I turn over in bed. Yup, I have to wake up slightly to turn over or I'll hurt myself. No matter what else happens, I can get a steroid injection in my spine if needed. I did one 8 years ago and it changed my life. It's my escape valve thought, and safe to do when you are pregnant.

I wish I could chalk it up to PMS

Oh wait, I can, but it doesn't usually hit this early.

I am a grumpy, angry mess.

My back, which went out, was in, and then went out in nearly the same way on Sunday, and is still out, and pretty painful. Because of my schedule, and some non negotiable items on it, I can't see my osteopath until Thursday.

I was curt with a friend of my mother's who offered me condolences on my miscarriage. I just couldn't be gracious. I just couldn't. I was probably more gracious than I know, but  I felt like losing my shit, and then she offered me some weird remedy. I just cut her off, I don't need any more helpful suggestions about how to get my body to do something it is just not going to do.

And I'm feeling jealous. Really jealous. You know you've been at the IF game for a long time when you are jealous of other people, whose numbers look WAY worse than yours, continuing to do cycles, or saying their not going stop or whatever. I don't know if it's really jealousy, I guess it's just being sort of nuts. Of course everyone get's to do what they want to do, and just because I've stepped off that particular train, doesn't mean jack.  If we had more time or money, I could probably do a lot more IUI's, and one might work. Or it might not. Or might, and it might turn out badly.  So yes, this is our choice, and it makes sense, but I think getting ready to cross this bridge is bringing up all the last bits of yuck around this issue.

I think also, not being able to move directly into a cycle has disoriented me. This whole process of trying to get pregnant, by any means necessary, brings up such powerful issues of powerlessness.  And in the DE process, we're coming up against that again. We have decided to put a hold on the donor we wanted, so pending the results from the cycle she's going to do in Feb or March (recipient may need to do a mock cycle, which will push it back), if she is still our number 1, and is medically cleared to cycle, she'll be our gal.  We are also still thinking about other clinics and outside donors, but that all depends on asking others for help, which may or may not be available.  So just more powerlessness, and having to rely on others for what many do with some or no thought at all.  Yes, yes, I know, I'm feeling bitter,and being bitchy, but that is what I have today. Bitter and bitchy.

Also, one of our cats is quite ill. She's got toxoplasmosis, and maybe something else. She's only 7 months old! WTF! and it seems like one of our other cats is developing the same illness, which may or may not be toxoplasmosis. Husband and I are getting tested as well, oy. I'm pretty sure if she dies from this, I'm going to lose my mind. I know, she's a cat, and cats die and blah blah blah, but REALLY! REALLY! A translocation? Miscarriages? 3 1/2 years of  fucking futility. One cat dying when were on vacation,and another dying the morning we were going to take her to the vet (after they sent us home from the all night vet saying there wasn't too much wrong!!!!!!!!!).  Husband and I are just frazzled trying to stay on top of her condition, and worrying about the next one to succumb. I can't go to sleep because I'm scared she'll die in the night.

I'm not an angry person, and I'm not a person who is comfortable being angry, so this is really uncomfortable for me.

I think when the coordinator told us that someone else had signed the donor we wanted, I just started to crumble.  Whatever it was that was holding me together, crumbled.  I know that bad things happen to good people, and all that, but at the moment, I'm feeling overwhelmed, and persecuted, and just exhausted. Oh, and no chance of a vacation to recharge, nope. Need to save all those ducats for our cycles. GRRR.

Rassafrassen fricken frackin donor selection process!!!

The coordinator told me that our first choice donor get matched yesterday! Argh! I'd sent an email on Friday asking her to see if she was available, and somehow the other person in the office signed her with another recipiant! And it looks like our previous first choice has nearly found a second recipiant for the shared cycle. Husband is going to talk to the manager and see if anything can be done, but I'm not hopeful. At this rate, if we stay with our clinic, it wil be April or may before we well cycle, if any of the donors we want can or will. Argh.

I'm going to call two other clinics in a nearby city and see what the process is for peeking at their donors. I really don't want to change doctors, or donor programs, but it's getting rediculos.

Also, I am freak of nature, and no ones features match mine. Picture Ellen De Generes mixed with Cate Blanchette, is that such an odd look!

I'm feeling frustrated and thwarted. If only I had someone to blame or sue. Oh well.

Moving right along

Sorry for the silence this week. I've been unusually busy, and then yesterday, my back went out, so this will be short so I can return to my little pod o'healing.

We talked to Dr Calm yesterday about the three donors we are considering:

Donor Three: made a lot of eggs, but has low FSH and low LH and so she requires a lot of stimming, and the only pregnancy to result from her three cycles ended in miscarriage.  She seems like too much of a risk, and our resemblance is nil. Whew. Nice to have another off the list.

Donor Two: Makes a good amount of eggs, but has only done once cycle. The reason the fresh cycle likely didn't result in a pregnancy is the the recipient had a thin lining. Ok, she gets a pass on that one. However, the doctor said that one of the twins that resulted from the FET has a problem with his tongue, but there weren't any further details, so she was going to dig into that. She said it could be a short frenulum, or something worse, but there were no details.  Furthermore, she doesn't look that much like me. I'll just be honest here, she has the wrong sort of eyes. I know, that is sort of vague and not all that useful, but she just looks wrong. However, she is still in the running.

Donor One: Did a cycle in 2002, back with the lab wasn't as good as it is today and they had a positive on the fresh cycle (twins) and a negative on the first FET, and a positive on the third (twins as well, eek!), and there are still two on ice, or not, but there were.  If she is interested in doing the cycle, she'll be 32, which our doctor said wasn't a significant difference in terms of downs risk from a 25 year old, and she said that donor performance tends to be pretty consistent. At age 31 her FSH was 6.0 and her antral follicle count was 18, and her e2 was 44.  Mostly, she looks right. Not like me, but the eyes are right. They have the right kind of clarity. But the big 'if' is will she perform as well as a 25 year old? Will her egg quality be as good as a 25 year olds?  Our doctor seems to think so. She actually said of the three, this donor was her first choice.  So, we're sitting with it. I've asked the donor coordinator to contact her and find out if she is still interested in doing cycles, and when she would be available,and then of course, they'd have to do the FSH and antral follicle count business again. And on a cosmic connection level, she shares a birthday with my best friend and my college mentor. It's so amazing how much we want to identify with our donors. Any little snippet feels like a gold mine.

Well, that is all the news I can bear to sit here and impart.

More scintillating details, no really! Or at least gossip...

First things first, Cycle Day 1 was yesterday, so that means that cycle number 2 should be showing up around the 2nd week of February, and if MY donor (ahem) was available, I'd be off to the races. But alas, it looks like someone is interested in doing the shared cycle, and the office should know soon.

The gossip is this: Our first pick donor was asked to leave the program because her FSH was 9, and the program requires it to be between 4 and 8, so even if I hadn't gotten pregnant in Oct, our Nov/Dec cycle would have been derailed. Poor thing! Can you imagine? You've done two cycles, you're a hot young thing, and they call to say, sorry, your ovaries are getting a little wrinkly!  I hope she's ok. Oy.

So, as reported last time, the donor we want is already reserved, and we might get her, but it will take a couple of months...so we've been looking at other donors, and it's looking kinda, well, disappointing.

Basically, all of the donors we're looking at have pretty good egg production numbers, reasonable amount of frozens, but none of their recipients get pregnant on the fresh cycle. Of course, there are reasonable reasons (i.e. even with day 5 embryos, you can't predict which are really the best of the best), it still feels less secure. Ya know?  We've got a call into our uber busy Doc, and hopefully she'll call us sometime today and lay it out for us.

We really can't afford to go to an outside donor, so we're going to have to work with who is there. I guess we could go to another clinic, but oy. I like this clinic! Everyone is wonderful and helpful, from the front desk people through the billing office. But maybe I'll traipse over to another clinic and see if I can peek at the donors. Oy.

Scintillating Details

Okeydokey:

I promised you scintillating details, so here they are:

The Donor Manager called back this morning, and basically said that the person who has her on hold, and is waiting for a person to share the cycle has priority. Boo. Of course, I asked all sorts of bossy questions about time limits and other stuff, essentially "What about me? What about my needs!", all in a very understated way, I assure you. She said that she will confirm with the donor that she indeed wants to do a 5 cycle (which ours would be if the shared cycle gets off the ground), and if not, I'm going to NYC and signing up for Ms Donor Fantastica and then Sprogblogger and I can have genetically related children. Ok, not really, but oy, this is the best donor at the clinic, and I want her dammit!

The plan of action is thus:

The donor manager will reach out to both the donor and the recipient and find out about the possibility of the 5th cycle, as well as the recipients time line for releasing the donor, or converting to a single cycle.

The donor manager and the donor nurse will look at the current first time donors who are wrapping up cycles and see if any seem like a good match for us (and are HUGE egg producers, cause that is mandatory, oh and also don't look like mean cheerleaders...).

Husband and I will remain patient and consider our options and attempt to not hound the nice donor manager about this. That is just my secret pledge. Husband only hounds through me, on this matter.

We will also check to see if there are any Jewish or half Jewish embryo's for adoption in our clinics embryo adoption plan.

The Jewish thing is a big deal.

Whew.

So we're a little discouraged, but not disheartened.

Scintillated?

A little antsy

Bright and early this morning I sent an email saying "Sign us up!" and got a wonderfully enthusiastic reply from the coordinator. And then a couple of hours later, I realized that the email said something to the effect of "we'll notify the other recipiants, they'll be so happy too." Such was my confusion over this last statement that it took an hour before I realized it meant this was a shared cycle! Yikes! No! Me want all the eggies for myself! I called, I emailed, I stared at my phone like a love sick teenager, and still no calls, mo emails. She always responds, even on the weekend, so I was getting freaked. Finally I talked to someone who said she was in an all day meeting. Ok. Called back at 5, a message was passed on that she needs to talk to Dr Calm and that she'll call me in the morning. Oy. Why does she have to talk to Dr C? Anyhoodle, my self serving belief is that because we want a full cycle we should go to the head of the line. Ahem. Also, this donor is good, but there isn't enough to share in my opinion.

Tune in tomorrow for more scintillating details of me leaving frantic phone messages for people!

The Verdict is in

Triploidy. Basically, the baby had 3 sets of chromosomes (69 instead of 46), most likely from letting two sperm instead of the one.  I sort of imagine my old dithery egg getting confused, and forgetting she'd already let one in...

As sad as this could be, it is also actully a relief. My worst fear is that we would have miscarried a genetically normal child.  That would have meant that something was up with my uterus, or blood or something, and that would mean DE would be a more perilous endeavor.

Dr Calm recommends moving on to Donor Eggs, and that is likely where we are headed. Although Dr Google says that Triploidy is not dependant on a mothers age (one of the few), given that we don't know what felled Sparky (likely the translocation, but that is just our 'choice' to believe that in the absence of data), and that I didn't get pregnant with the Donor Sperm in the last IVF, that it's time to cut our losses and jump on the DE train.

Husband and I haven't had any time to talk this over, but I'm assuming that after my cycle in February, we'll be in Lupron land.

I am remarkably relieved.  I was also worried that they wouldn't be able to culture the fetus, that's what happened with Sparky, and to not know twice would be awful.

So come on period!  Let's have one of those nice short cycles you are famous for and get this show on the road.

The somewhat big-ish meeting with Dr Calm

The big news is, there is no big news just yet. Dr Calm doesn't have the pathology report yet, so she wasn't able to tell us WTF happened with Fishy (that is what we named this one, after the fact).  We did tell her that we didn't want to know the sex, and she made a note of that. Unless it is clear that it was related to Husband's translocation, we'll be looking at ye olde eggs as the culprit.

Also, my darling doctor friend looked up my harebrained Vitamin K theory and said this:

"Vitamin K is a cofactor which allows your liver to make certain blood clotting factors (actually factors that allow you to make blood clots AND ALSO factors that dissolve clot - keeping you in balance). There is no scientific data that I could find that suggests that having too much Vitamin K makes you hypercoaguable (while having too little Vitamin K definitely puts you at risk for bleeding as your body can not make its normal clotting proteins). The amount of clotting factors is highly regulated and no matter how many times over the recommended dose of Vitamin K you take, your liver won't make more clotting factors than you need.

Love again,

Your friendly neighborhood M.D."

And yet another omnipotent "I'm the cause of all bad things" theory bites the dust. It's ok. I wanted less reasons to blame myself.

So back to the visit: I was wanded, and my uterus is clear of clots (unlike last time, when there was one that was allegedly going to come out with my next period, but instead got me a hysteroscopy after an evening of hemorrhaging).  Also, all's quiet on the ovarian front, so I'm thinking we may not see a period until about 6 weeks from the D&C which was on 12/16, somewhere near the end of January.

I have to wait two cycles before I can do anything uterine related, so that is clearly March-ish.

Also, we decided to not go back on the DHEA. She isn't impressed, and I don't need another pill to take.

We talked about Donors in their program, and things of that ilk.

Basically, no matter what the pathology report says, the decision we make will be based on what we think we can bear. 

-If it was Husband's translocation, and my FSH is below 10, can we bear to do 3 more IUI's?

-If it was my egg, can be we bear to say "Well, at 39, the miscarriage rate is 20%, so let's roll the dice?"

-Or do we go to the bank, write the big check and say "Donor Eggs better work or were SOL on the pregnancy front."

We won't be able to put it all together for a few weeks, and in some ways, we'll just need to let it stew. Nothing like time to make things clearer, eh?

As anyone whose been reading this blog for any time knows, I like to stay one step ahead of the current situation.  My preparation for the meeting was to spend a an hour and half absorbing an adoption agency site that a friend directed me to (email me for the name, if you want it). I read over the letters to birth mothers, looked at the pictures, and found myself edging towards a funk.  We are not athletic. We don't come from cookie cutter happy families, we are not Christians, we don't live in a suburb, and we are not obsessed with cleaning products. Ok, the last one was from a profile that sort of freaked me out, the woman asks for cleaning supplies as gifts! I'm at least a little more approachable than that!

Anyhow, I started composing a letter to a birth mother in my head. At first, had more in common with David Sederis's Christmas Letter from the Pierce's, but as I went along, I realized, we are pretty awesome, and if I were a birth mother with a sense of humor, and a wish for an honest couple who loves, respects and LIKES one another, we'd be a shoe in. Try it. Try writing a letter to a birthmother, and you might just find out how awesome you are. 

So, it seems one must say something about 2009.

So here goes:

2009 was truly one of the absolute worst years of my life. It was the year I faced and worked through what it meant to lose this life long dream of easy motherhood, of being genetically related to our children, and the loss of my husband's genetic relationship to our children.  It was one of the Dark Nights of my Soul. And yet...and yet, it has strengthened me in ways I would never have allowed myself to imagine as I was in that cold hellish place. Also, I have made some amazing friends, and I have allowed others to see me at my most vulnerable, not so easy for me.

So, yes, 2009, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. So long and thanks for all the growth. I hope 2010 is less personally...challenging, yes that is the word. 

A new kind of limbo

I don't know if I'm delusional, or dissociated, but I am not as slayed by this miscarriage as I was the last. Either that is good, or that is bad, I can't figure it out.

I know I was more willing to enjoy the moments where I felt happy, and careful to not project myself too far into the future. Maybe that helped, or again, maybe I'm to out of it to feel like I should. Or maybe, this is ok. I wish I knew.

Tomorrow we meet with Dr Calm. Either she will have results from the analysis, or not (or not ever, as it was with Sparky). I really hope she does, we need some sort of way to make a choice about what to do next.

One thing I intermittently obsess about is whether or not my calcium supplement might have killed the baby. I know, sounds crazy,but it had 500% of the vitamin K the of the RDA, and I have a minor clotting issue (one copy of MTFR gene) and vitamin K 'helps' with clotting. Ultimatly, unless Dr C comes back with "baby was fine, but we found huge blood clots" it's probably just another way for me to try to have some sense of control in this situation. I also feel like an ass for not reading the bottle. I never would have taken it if I looked at it, but alas I didn't. Shit. Ya know?

Husband and I don't want to know the sex of the baby--I guess it would make it too real for both of us. Maybe not letting him/her be real is our defense against being totally slayed by this.

We are looking at two donors. One has had 3 great cycles with varying numbers of embryos to freeze, and all cycles have resulted in babies (twins and singletons) and the other has 3 cycles, a 4th is under way, but even though she's had live births with all of the cycles, only one of the cycles has resulted in frozen embryos. Somehow to me this just doesn't seem good. Sure it could be a sperm issue--but all three? Ok, maybe couples with sperm issues are drawn to her...

Warning:Petty Details Mentioned that Make us look Shallow.

The choice seems clear based on previous cycle data, but there is an appearance issue--the donor's mother has olive skin, and Husband and I are fair (although he's got dark hair), and oddly enough we are worried about the child feeling as if they fit with us, if the they do have the olive skin. He told me about a former work co-worker of his whose parents both had fair skin, she had olive skin, and throughout her life people commented on it. Since we are able to choose, should we choose an option that doesn't create more attention? And then I think, no matter what, we can't choose what is going to happen, how the genes will combine.

Ultimatly, I just like the donor with FE's better--since it's all fantasy anyway, I have a sense of her as sweet, well our doctor said she was a sweet person, so maybe that is in there, but I 'like' her.

Also, as I said in my last post, we may find out that my husband actually got me pregnant through the usual means, and scientifically speaking, trying with my eggs isn't a crazy idea.

For us, the question is what can we stand. Can we stand to try with my eggs and withstand the terror through the amnio? Or do we need to stop this madness, spend all our moula on DE and just get on with it.

At this point, I don't want a baby from my eggs more than I want the DE baby. I just want a baby. I want to get on with the loving and growing and being a mother part of this mishigas.  I am very good at being infertile. One more miscarriage and I earn my "Habitual Aborter" badge (sorry, gallows humor).

So the new kind of limbo is about not being a mess, not being sure, but just being here all over again. I also feel absurdly hopeful. Why? I have no idea. I guess the dividend of all this loss and growth is that I can more quickly dispense with the sense of humiliation and shame that accompanies these reproductive failures.

I talked to an old friend that just adopted, and she pointed me towards her adoption agency which looks great. It works with singles, same sex couples and us types (I won't work with one that doesn't), and has a very approachable website. Also, I think I could write a statement now--We rock, give us your baby. Sounds about right, eh?

I also had a bit of a spiritual epiphany on while listening to Fresh Air on Dec 23. Greg Epstein, a Jewish Humanist Rabbi, has a new book called "Good without God" and here is what he said about death and loss, which really resonated with me, and what I have come to feel more clearly over these last 3 years:

"Mr. EPSTEIN: And if you think God is mystery, well mystery is not a great source of comfort in the face of death. You know, at least I didn't find the mystery to be all that comforting when my father died or when I lost other loved ones and what I was really wanting was not, you know, the presence of a mystery but the presence of people to love me and care for me. And that's what I try to offer in the face of death to the members of my own community, is the sense that, look, there is no justification for the tragedies that happen. There is no good reason that we could ever come up with for why the Holocaust happened, for why innocent children are ripped away from us every single day, every minute.

There's nothing that one could say that would say, oh, this makes it better. Or there - you'll be rewarded in haven. No, it's not sufficient. And what, to me, the only thing that we can say is that we care, we love, we acknowledge. Death is real. It's final. It takes tremendous, tremendous courage to cope with. And we have to love one another because that's what we get. We get this world, this one shot."

I know for many of you God and Jesus are a great comfort, for me, it has never felt real. The closest I could get was the Jesus was one really smart guy who was very right about a lot of things, but I don't find comfort in God or Jesus. For me, I find comfort in the love of my community that acknowledges and helps me to bear my pain and loss, and in helping others to bear their pain and loss. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, each and every one of you who has shared my pain, buoyed me with your humor, your anger on my behalf, and your gentleness with my heart and losses. I could not have gotten to this new kind of limbo with out you, and I am profoundly grateful.